The Long Haul

One of the things that STINKS about living w/RAD is that oftentimes....our kids might be doing something that all the other kids in the house are able to do w/freedom...but because it's that child doing it ("normal behaviors").....it's a problem and it triggers something in us.

Is it the way they are doing it? Just a little bit more excited than the others? Just a little bit louder? Are we embarrassed? Are we afraid? Are we annoyed?

Is it the timing of when they are doing it? Holding court? Being the center of attention? Are we embarrassed? Are we afraid? Are we annoyed?

Is it that they are doing it after a wacko morning? Are we holding a grudge? Are we anticipating a wacko afternoon? Fearful?

Is it that we are afraid that they won't stop doing it after everyone else has? Experience tells us that most of the time they won't. Are we afraid? Hedging our bets?

After all these years...I'd like to say that there are most definitely things that other kids are able to do that kids struggling to attach are not able to do or should not be able to do. In my opinion, parents need to be highly intentional and hands on...especially when dealing w/RAD. Not all kids should be telling jokes to or doing ballet twirls for visiting extended family....(especially if they are refusing to make eye contact with you or resisting your authority in any way.) Not all kids should have pets (especially if there's weirdness w/animals.) Not all kids should hug well meaning adults they encounter (especially if they prefer every adult they encounter over you.) Not all kids should be left w/babysitters. Not all kids should have sleep-overs. Not all kids can be dropped off at the movies at a certain age. Not all kids can do church camps. The list goes on and on.

This can be hard for parents. When we are faced with a paradigm shift...

* the way we've parented before
* the way we are parenting the others
* the way we planned to parent

....all of our ideas/plans need to shift. This realization can bring fear and resentment into our lives.

In the very same breath, I'd like to caution parents as well. Sometimes...what appears to be RAD behavior or what we consider RAD behavior...... isn't . Sometimes, that child is just being perfectly "normal" and doing what all the other kids are doing. As parents dealing w/stuff, gunk, and baloney all day long every day in and every day out.....we tend to read into everything.

Also, kids struggling to attach.... grow and learn like the rest of us. Oftentimes they get to a place where they are able to do what everyone else is doing when everyone else is doing it. We did not allow Girlie to have sleep-overs as early as everyone else was doing it.....but she's had a BLAST w/friends when it was appropriate for her (select friends/families we know well and trust.) Girlie is able to be dropped off and picked up at lessons now....no problem. She has a healthy fear of strangers and will no longer be tempted to run off with them without ever looking back....therefore....she is able to explore the park w/in eyesight.

The bottom line...

Relax a little............ while staying on high alert :)

We are in this for the long haul.

We must pace ourselves.

A Change of Seasons

The weather has changed here. Drastically and dramatically...also quite suddenly. Four days ago we needed sweatshirts. Today, we are fast approaching triple digits and things will stay that way for a while. This change entered our lives after recent episodes of wind gusts and chilliness. It will be followed by monsoons...more wind and rain...torrents of it...w/ lightening, thunder, and hail.

The rumor is that we don't have seasons here in this part of the country. But we do.

Today's heat and hot, hot desert sun got me to thinking about the seasons that come w/this RAD journey we travel. Good seasons....not so good seasons. Nightmare hellish seasons. Somewhat normal seasons. Rather strange seasons. Peaceful seasons and off the chart bizarre seasons. Close contact seasons and long distance seasons. Blaming seasons. Begging and pleading seasons. Cold shoulder seasons. Chip on our shoulder seasons. Forgiving seasons and unforgiving seasons. Panicked seasons. Remorseful seasons. Intimate seasons and get as far away from me as you can get seasons. Sad seasons. Mad seasons. Frustrated seasons. Teachable seasons. Stubborn dig our heels into the ground seasons. Regret filled seasons and humorous seasons. Thankful seasons. Fearful seasons. Lonely seasons. Apathetic seasons and full blown knock out drag down fighting to the death seasons. Submissive seasons. Healthy seasons. Loving seasons.

It seems we've experienced them all....at one point or another during our travels. I must remember that Girlie has experienced them too...every single one of them.

For us...seasons pass. Some get re-visited...some not. It's not something that I am proud of....to say that I do not always see clearly the lessons each season is bringing with it. But it is true. When we are in our seasons....whatever they might look like...we often cannot see the forest for the trees...never mind the wisdom and lessons we are supposed to be learning and passing on.

Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe it's time to look back and reflect on where you once were and where you are now? What has each season taught you? A journal is a fabulous idea. Moms, talking openly and transparently w/a trusted friend is another. She can remind you of growth you might be too distracted to notice or too weary to even get excited about (Obviously, this goes for Dads too.)

We are NOWHERE near where we once were. And during our current crazy seasons it helps me to realize that things change often around here and also...that we've come a long way, Baby.

I am re-starting Girlie on her journal tomorrow. I'm going to pick up mine as well.

Supplemental Nursers

So we talk a lot about attachment disorder.  The repercussions to a child having a trauma or break in the attachment cycle.  But I know some of you may be here and you are still on your journey to adopt.  Maybe you are wondering what you can do to "hit the ground running" with your new little one.  Today, I want to talk a bit about adoption breast feeding.  I am by no means an expert, but just want to throw it out there if it isn't something you have considered.  Breast feeding is God's design to help develop a baby both emotionally and physically. If your child comes home through adoption, you may choose breast feeding as a way to build attachment.  There are ways to induce lactation and consulting your local Le Leche League may be a great starting point.  Sometimes, however, this is not possible.  Either enough milk does not come in or at all.  Then a supplemental nurser may be helpful.  There are two main brands.  

Lactaid, and Medela SNS

I have heard that people seem to prefer the Lactaid, but I know people that have used both.  

Check out these websites:

http://breast-feeding.adoption.com/

http://www.fourfriends.com/abrw/

http://www.llli.org/

Also, something to keep in mind is that here in America, mothers tend to stop breast feeding at 6-12 months.  For our kiddos, it is the emotional connection/foundation we are most concerned with.  12 months may be extremely premature in stopping breast feeding for your child.  In many countries around the world breastfeeding up to 7 years of age is common.  Don't let society/social norms dictate what is best for you.  Let the Holy Spirit guide you in knowing what is best for your child and family.  Even if breast feeding your adoptive child is not right for your family, use the aspects of it to help build attachment (sucking/chewing, eye contact, skin to skin, rocking, etc).   

Refiner's Fire

Years ago at a couple's retreat, a wife shared that her husband brought out the worst in her.  Initially, my internal response was startled.  It seemed like a harsh thing to say even in a safe place.  But then this dear woman went on to tell of how God had used her most intimate human relationship to most frequently be the fire in her life.  That intense, consistent fire that allows the gunk to come to the top of the gold.  To be skimmed, removed, rooted out.  Her husband was a gentle, strong man and their marriage was God-honoring--after years of therapy and diligence.  He was her great blessing.  

Several times, today alone, I have thought this child brings out the worst in me!  In the moment, I certainly was in my flesh and not thinking of the Lord's refining fire.  I was thinking, "until this child, I was a patient person," "until now, I felt calm and easy going," "until this child, I was doing okay."  It was pure frustration.  

But now in the quiet of the day, after regulation, repentance, prayer, calm and a sleeping child, I see that she does in fact bring out the worst.  The absolute very worst in me.  They are the hidden, dark things that the Lord still sees.  The fleshy worst that I was identifying earlier was the same, but now with different purpose.  His purpose.  His desire for the shining, radiant gold.  Through this child.  Oh, Lord, helps us to keep Your perspective and see these horrible parenting moments as opportunities to reflect Your glory.

the week was, well, survival mode. from hearts to house, all was a mess. in my overwhelmed moment, I looked down at the filthy floors, thinking they, too, would scream for my attention. Instead, a little love from the Lord. This little heart reminded me how He reaches into our chaos. Thank you, Lord. I needed this!!

the last couple of weeks have been a horrid. Our little Radish has begun---or at least the Lord is revealing it now---to eat non-food items. According to Poison Control, in relatively small doses it's no big deal. (sigh). So, although my baby is not in immediate harm's way, she is in danger. And I can't keep her safe and she thinks she can get away with things like this. And best of all, in her eyes, I am now a liar. What I tell my kids is eating things that aren't food is dangerous. You will get very sick. Etc. I would never want my kids to be in the hospital or hurting! EVER! But, seriously, I am in shock. Who knew something this serious would have no natural consequence? ugh. Honestly, I am fearful of not being able to protect her from herself, that her behavior would hurt/influence her siblings and that she isn't getting better. And I am angry. Not righteously. Sinfully angry at the disruption to the family, at her for her choices, and at, well, maybe even the Lord for not making it all go away. It is not right, but I'll tell you because we want to be authentic with you.

So tonight, I feel ill equipped and as though I want to run as far away from her and the issues and the pain that I can't take away.

far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, away.

but when my heart quiets in the eye of the storm, I take my sin to His throne. I am thankful for repentance, forgiveness and His mercies that are new every morning. I am reminded, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." He does not give up on us, ever. No matter what. Even when we reject Him, or push Him away or sin against Him. No matter the consequences or the discipline He needs to give us. He always hopes and always pursues. Thank you, Lord, for so tangibly loving me in my own attachment disorder with You. I have so far to go, too. Teach me how to love this child, point her to You, and help heal her heart.

Deep sighs and sleep, for us both to wake to those mercies.

Humanism

The world would have us believe that our problems have roots in our circumstances.  The Bible teaches that we will always have less than ideal circumstances to deal with...but that our problem is a spiritual one...which stems from our sinful and fallen natures.  No matter our circumstances.....no matter how awful they are....there is hope......... and victory is possible.  There is one Gospel.  Only one.  

Do I see my problems through the filter of a Biblical worldview?....or has humanism seeped into my thinking?   

Maybe even a more challenging question:  

Do I see my child's problems through the filter of a Biblical worldview?.....or has humanism seeped into my thinking?

Press In

I once had a pastor who said to his staff, "You may quit 3 times this week. Then, it's a bad attitude!"

It was a light hearted reassurance that he knew their jobs were stressful and emotionally draining but also to hang in there, to stay the course and finish well.  

God has called you and will equip you for today.  Even if you quit today there is no judgment here. Tomorrow is a new day! 

Intentional Friendships

Parents, we must choose our kid's circle of friends wisely.  It is our responsibility to surround them with as many healthy relationships as possible...and see what blossoms. 

Teach your child to be a good friend.   

Work thru trouble to the best of your ability....but if trouble continues to follow....bow out gracefully.  

Sadly, some of our kids are attracted to that one in particular who will most likely not return their affection.

Focus their attention elsewhere.  

Support Groups, too

YAY! Thank you, Dawn!  I know things had been quiet here for awhile.  I was sitting down to share some of the crazy in our world and was so happy to see Dawn had.  There is so much swirling in my head that I want to share and will soon.  But the support group was huge last weekend.  We know what it's like to feel alone. . . for many this once a month group is all they have.  If you are feeling alone, join a local yahoo adoption board.  Not everyone there will have attachment issues, but maybe the Lord will use you to start a local group.  Just put it out there... anyone struggling with attachment want to meet at the park?  

and remember, we are always here.... for those local and afar.  

Support Group Circle

Okay....here are a few of the lessons I learned this week:

Support groups have MUCH value.

Faces are important.  So much is said in the eyes.

I don't have it as bad as some.

Those who have it really bad...need support and understanding.

Those who don't have it as bad.... need support and understanding.

There but for the grace of God go I.

Unholy judgement has no place in a RAD support circle.

There but for the grace of God go I.

The problem is large...bigger and broader...very large.

In general....school systems suck.

In general....advice from books suck....at least in the long run.

(this and that/tidbits here and there might work...switch it up when advice is obviously getting you and your kid/family nowhere...in other words....do not get your mind stuck in one theory/method.)

In general.....expect backlash.

In general....expect judgement.

Acknowledgement is necessary.

Shame is destructive.

There but for the grace of God go I.

Find one or two trustworthy intimates and ask for/accept help.

Attend as many support groups as possible.

You are not alone.

Your advancements encourage others...so share them.

We all have failures.

Never give up.

For those who do....in general....they have VERY good reasons and DO NOT judge them.

 

Talapia Flake/Crumb?

Adopting Again

A reader has asked us if we would consider adopting again with the challenges we've had.   And if we had, how had it worked and what advise we can give?

We have actually been talking about this a great deal lately.  It is such a hard decision.  I know the tension in my home and what I feel my other children are missing out on because of the high maintenance challenges of this child.  It is hard already.  The road ahead seems long and mountainous.  

However, that being said, I cannot say that I would not adopt again.  It would have to be the prompting of the Holy Spirit--as with all adoptions.  And if it was His prompting, then it is as it should be for all of the members of our family.

Adoption is a beautiful, redemptive, awesome thing.  Where would my attaching kids or my struggling to attach kid be without it?  I cannot imagine avoiding adopting out of fear of further challenges or what it would rob the yet to be home child.... essentially of the unknown.  My Savior knows the unknown.  He is not a God of confusion.  If you are to step out again, He will let you know.