Baby Sling Recall

We are all about keeping those babies close. We love slings and wraps and backpacks. There are changes in both the Momma and the baby to have that little one bumpin up against you all day long. Today there was a recall though. Be sure to check and make sure your sling is not one of the ones that has been recalled. One million in the US alone. If you have a newborn, preemie or failure to thrive, etc you should probably stick to a wrap.

Check out the BBC report.

Be safe with those snuggles. :)

Do you remember when I talked about secular psychology breaking down because they superimpose adult thoughts of process onto child minds?

SUCH a perfect example erupted this week. One of my kids had to be hospitalized for a ruptured appendicitis. But what are both my RADish and her sister GRIEVING??! The loss of her umbilical hernia that was fixed during the operation. It was an after thought to us. It was doing a little tuck to prevent her having to go under a second time. It was small. No big deal to us. See? This isn't even heart wounds and trauma of the past. Kids. They don't think the way we do. We can't crawl into their minds to see their perspective. That is why we need to be consistent and clear and biblical in their instruction and discipline. Because until they can use their words, we won't guess what has really hurt their hearts.

Answer The Question Asked, Please

DD had a relatively calm day. We were in public for most of it, which always helps. Saving those pretty behaviors for me. ;)

BUT one of her default behaviors is to avoid the question answered. She likes to give some long extended explanation about things similar to the topic but not answering the question or crazy lying about something that the senses negate.

E.g. did daddy say you can wear that? daddy says the dress is too small. . . and on and on.

E.g. do you have brown shoes? ~no. do you have brown shoes? ~only big ones. do you have brown shoes? ~a little brown. do you have brown shoes? (maybe 12 times later while I am holding the brown shoes) yes, I have brown shoes with white polka dots.

Sometimes it is so subtle that you may not notice it. You have to attune your ears to bunny trails and the avoidance of intimacy or fault. I will continue to ask the original question or say something like "oops! that's not what Mommy asked you. Try again." There are little ways they are pushing away a normal interaction with you. Press in. Little here, little there.

Explaining Attachment

Felt the need to repost this. There are lots of moms coming forward who are just realizing their child has RAD or have a new baby home. I know for me a lot of my weariness came from try to explain what we were struggling with to people that had previously had no exposure to wounded children. I hope in a small way to say, we've been there. You are not alone. Here are some words that helped us. I originally wrote it on my personal blog in 2008. . .

I am tired and frustrated beyond tears. Loving a child that doesn't want to be loved is the hardest thing in the entire world. I know at the heart of it, she wants desperately to be loved and the rejection has more to do with my position-not me personally. But her actions all day long say, 'you are horrible, I don't like you, I will not do what you say, I don't like my siblings and I hate this house.' It is sometimes disobedience done with a smile or quiet manipulation. But even the parts that look happy are fake! And by God's grace, He prompts me to ask questions and reveal her sin. And yes, it is sin. But there is no breaking. And when there are tears, I have learned it is usually something selfish like she has to pee and not because her heart has really softened to repentance. And then comes the stillness. It is the cold, hard, apathetic, self-protective stare that scares me the most. It says to me, I need to save her from this moment or it will only get worse. Next time, will she resort to something harder or harsher? Every day, I am balancing consistent discipline-usually not in my flesh-of the one while not ruining the day of the others. It is exhausting and depressing. It is isolating. Explaining it to others and having to explain why you aren't crazy really prevents you from talking about it. Please. Please. If you know someone that is struggling with their child-traumatize bio or adopted, please do not tell them it is just like your kid. It isn't. It is not a strong willed child It is not what all kids go through.

You can research and read if you really want to learn more. But I have found telling people to research something they are not affected by won't happen. I get it. So I have been trying to think through how to explain it to others without the science and psychology. Most people think we are dealing with a strong-willed child. But it is so not like that. When a strong willed child is hurt-say a gash on the knee-they still cry. They still want Mommy to comfort them. They may be the most independent, sassy kid on the block, but they know their parents will meet their needs. They know they really can't do life without their parents. They communicate their needs-down to I am thirsty, I am hungry, I am bored. They don't flail around, pick at their fingers, take deep breaths, twitch and shake before they can look you in the eye. They show their desire for control because they want their way. It is not to communicate clearly to their caretaker you are not in control, you are not doing a good job, so I feel the need to take over. And most of all....YOU are attached to your child. That is the hardest part of the equation. As a mom, I want to connect, gush, and be moved by my child. When a naughty, independent, strong-willed child is giving you a go, you are still passionately in love with your child. I love her in the she- is- my- child- given- by- God and I will do my best for her, but quite honestly, there are not warm fuzzies right now. And that is really really hard. I know I am a good Mommy. But I don't feel like it right now. Love is an action and I submit my heart to what He is calling me to do. We struggle to attach to the Lord who loves us sacrificially. I want that joy in the sacrificial love. But He also loves us as children and friends..... and I long for that, too. Please pray for us as parents to have wisdom and for our girls as they learn to trust, to obey and to feel safe.

You are not alone. It is a long, hard marathon. But God wants to redeem this child for His glory. And He wants you to help Him do it. You are not up to the task, but turn towards Him. He will equip you.

Bubble Gum Queen

One way to mimic nursing for an older child is chewing gum. The jaw motion and sweetness are calming. So I've become the bubble gum queen.


Here are my couple of rules:

1) anytime between breakfast and dinner (or when the sun is up, etc) you ask for bubble gum in an honoring way (May I please have bubble gum?), I will say yes.

2) You may not touch your gum, take it out of your mouth, etc.

This not only calms them and gives them great sensory input but it also helps build trust. The always affirmative answer helps my RADish trust me with a fun want. Everyday for the first week, I had to remind her it was there and what the rules were. It was over a week before she mustered the strength to ask.

Sensory Input

Purvis said the vast majority of kids with wounded pasts will deal with some degree of sensory processing issues. She suggests doing the checklists in a book like Kranowitz's Out-of-Sync Child. You can also have an OT do an evaluation. You can also use one like Dawn has suggested here, too.

A lot of sensory issues will mimic attachment and vice versa. Babies learn to interpret their worlds and learn to later make decisions through their senses. If they don't learn how to interpret senses coming at them, they interpret all of it as danger. I love that Purvis wants parents to use a breastfeeding newborn as the standard of a sensory bath. Think of all of the ways a baby is washed with + sensory input when nursing. Our kids need sensory baths. all. the. time. However, everything she does is age appropriate.

~massage

~Out-of-Sync-Child Has Fun

~Simon Says

~Breathing

~Chair sit-ups

Conference

I've gotten stuck a few times as I sat down to type out some these thoughts from the conference. I think mostly because so much of what she shares she touches on in her book. BUT I am just going to hit the points that resonated deeply with me and gave me some hope! Again, I am just sharing from my notes, for what they are worth. Obviously, you'll have to do your own research and find what's best for your child.

There are many reasons I was crying several times throughout the day. As I shared before, she is about treating the whole child. What she said made sense to me, if that makes sense. You can't look at these kids and separate out the physical or spiritual or emotional parts in hopes that just addressing attachment will resolve all the other parts. Because therapies and teachers are usually treating the child individually, these people silo their efforts and don't treat the child holistically. We as parents need to be the primary therapist (like you didn't feel this or know this!) and set the vision for care and advocacy.

First and foremost, she would say these kids need comprehensive evaluations for things like parasites, allergy tests, urine assays, blood work, etc. We usually bring our kiddos home and test for parasites and general communicable diseases. But I think a lot of these kids have so much more going on. You need to know everything you are dealing with to be able to make the right plan of action.

A child with a wounded past, as Purvis described it, has a different brain chemistry. The trauma they have been through (even an unwanted pregnancy) alters the brain chemistry (dopamine, seratonin, lead, etc) of a child. She suggests a urine assay that will help determine if you are dealing with toxins/inbalances that chilated mineral or other supplements could help with.

Video the Opposite

Can I tell you how brilliant Dawn is?? (and this time I am not just biased ;) You may remember we talked a bit about the importance of video taping or photographing your RADish. It is soooo important. But today, as my RADish was spiraling, grandma came over to help with home schooling (yes I heart her!!). I was chatting with Dawn for a minute while they were busy and she said you need to go video them. Your attaching kids need to see one day all of the + moments of their lives. Their memories cannot just be filled with yelling and pain of their sister.

We can get so distracted by the center of attention child, that we forget to capture (for us with video not pictures) all the special quiet lovely moments for them.

I want them to remember their great-grandmother's voice and hear the way they encouraged one another and learned new things. The little moments that are in the middle of the pain.

BRILLIANT!!!

Charging the camera now.

The Comforter

I love Spurgeon. His words never fail to freshly explain God's Word or communicate my heart through the trials. You can read his devotions daily here. This one, however, can only be found in this:

"God, who comforts the downcast"

And who comforts like Him? Go to some poor, melancholy, distressed child of God; tell him sweet promises and whisper in his ear choice words of comfort; he is like the deaf adder that doesn't listen to the voice of the charmer, even though he charms wisely. He is drinking gall and wormwood, and no matter how you comfort him, you will only get a note or two of mournful resignation from him; you will bring forth no psalms of praise, no hallelujahs, no joyful sonnets. But let God come to His child, let Him lift up his countenance, and the mourner's eyes glisten with hope. Do you not hear him sing-'tis paradise, if you are here, if you depart, 'tis hell.'

You could not have cheered him: but the Lord has done it; He is the "God of all comfort." There is no balmin Gilead but there is a balm in God. There is no physician among the creatures, but the Creator is Jehovah-rophi. It is marvelous how one sweet word of God will make whole songs for Christians. One word of God is like a piece of gold, and the Christian is like the gold beater and can hammer that promise our for weeks. So, then, poor Christian, you need not sit down in despair. Go to the Comforter and ask Him to give you consolation. You are a poor, dry well. You have heard it said that when a pump is dry, you must pour water down it first of all and then you will get water; and so, Christian, when you are dry, go to God, ask Him to shed abroad His joy in your hear, and then your joy shall be full. Do not go to earthly acquaintances, you will find them to be Job's comforters; but go first and foremost to "God, who comforts the downcast," and you will soon say, "when the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul."

I was so humbled by the realization of how often I seek comfort from creation and not the Creator. On my longest days of frustration and pain with my daughter, it is easier to seek out a friend than it is to wrestle it out with the God. In my flesh, I know it is my anger towards Him for not 'fixing' this trial or my own attachment issues of trusting that He will deliver the comfort my heart is seeking. I don't know where you are on the attachment journey or if there is pain in your heart tonight, but are you truly seeking Christ to be the comforter in your downcast moments? I know I have stumbled here. It is not that we are not to comfort one another. This blog would not exist if we thought that. We are to help carry one another's burdens. But first, our hearts should seek HIS consolation because it is deeper and sweeter with Him. To His feet I run. . .

. . .My words appeared slowly as I typed. I glanced up and through the sprinkle of rain, the sun shone fiercely. I could not see a rainbow from my yard. But knowing the Lord's faithfulness, it surely is nearby.


P.S. I am working on several posts about the conference. Coming soon this week!! :)

Discipline Cleverly

One of the most challenging aspects of parenting a child who is struggling alongside siblings who are not...is the discipline factor. What works for the rest (or most kids) does not seem to work for this one child.

Now, we know we must discipline our children.... out of obedience.

Coming up w/clever "disciplines" goes w/the territory.

Try this one...

If you have a child who.... "fill in the blank w/an action/behavior/choice" which requires discipline...

....inform that child that you will be choosing their clothing for the day/week/month/year (j.k.)

Last week, I chose an adorable pink skirt and floral pink top for Girlie to wear to co-op. It was a lovely outfit. She looked very nice in it.

It's not that the outfit was ugly...it's the fact that I was choosing it...that drove her wild.

She tried a few times in her most honoring unsubmissive way possible....to reason w/me....explaining why the adorable outfit was not appropriate for her on that particular day etc.etc.etc.

Eventually, when she hit the Mom Brick Wall ...she submitted.

It was an awesome moment when she arrived at co-op to hear one of the other mom's comment on how cute she looked.

Girlie and I had eye contact. We shared a smile. I moved over and whispered in her ear, "Thank you for submitting....and because I am a good Mom...I chose an adorable outfit for you today."

I got a hug and then she ran off to class.

We've tried the ...here wear this TOTAL DORKEY LOOKING RIDICULOUS CENTER OF ATTENTION... WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE BEING BTW SO WHY THE HECK NOT APPEAR LIKE IT IN ALL IT'S GLORY??????.... OUTFIT out in public also....and because I am a good Mom...you get to wear striped socks and mismatched Crocs just to finish off the look.

There are many options available to us....in our arsenal of parenting tools.

If one things for certain we must remain consistent while constantly switching it up :)

Bullies

Over the years we have developed and maintained a close knit circle of friendships. Obviously, the "acquaintance circle" has been larger...but the actual 'friendship one" has been tight.

Some struggling kids attract mean spirited kids like flies to poop. Two kids in our history come to mind. Bullies (emotional not physical) from the word "GO."

A while back, it was almost as if Girlie was asking for the bullying. She'd step directly into the line of fire... and then not even realize she was getting hit smack in the forehead.

She'd even defend the bullies.

It broke my heart. It made me angry! At the bullies..... and at Girlie.

This momma don't raise no dummies!!!!!!!!!
______________________________

Now, I am very well aware of the fact that my kids are sinners. From the word "Go." Girlie is a big time honkin' super duper-sized sinner.

She is not a bully, however.

And now...because we've had practice dealing w/them.... she recognizes one when she sees one.

______________________________

If your child is not a bully....BEWARE because they may attract them.

Progress Report

So, unsolicited I got another Progress Report from a co-op teacher. She has noticed great improvements in Girlie's academic work over the past year & simply wanted me to know. It took all my might not to leap for joy while twirling and kissing this sweet lady all over her beautiful face!

It was just the encouragement I need to keep on keepin' on because you can tend to think you might be deluding yourself when things appear to be going well.

Peer relationships seem to be going well too. Lots of play dates and sleep-overs here at the house...w/no trouble to speak of. If something minor pops up (as it does w/all kids) Girlie is now very quick to catch herself.

Yesterday, Girlie came to me and told me she had a need (private mother/daughter kinda need.) When this need has popped up in the past....sometimes it's taken Dear Old Mom a few days to find out about it....but now, Girlie sees and understands why moms should be & can be trusted in this area.

At one point in the afternoon....I got a big tight hug. From behind...kinda sorta awkward...as I was unable to hug back. I thanked Girlie for the affection...mentioning that it was a bit weird though...the way she offered it. Twirling her around...I modelled what true hugs look like. She's seen them/had them (full on frontal swoop you up in overwhelming love giant hugs) a bazillion times before. She relaxed in to it w/ an..... "Oh, Mom"....then, sauntered off as teen-aged girls tend to do. Only thing missing was a flick of the hair.

Last night, I was tucking lil' sister in when Girlie came to me for goodnight kisses. Oh and btw....she also mentioned that she had done the dishes for me.

Without asking?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????? I just about died..... but instead, remained outwardly calm and said, "Why thank you very much."
____________________________________

This is your encouragement:

At one point in time...a few years back...Girlie had me VERY worried. There were days when I was depressed...when I could not see the forest for the tress.

There were days when I was frightened. When I was sad. When I was angry. When I was numb.

One Mom's Attachment Testimony....

Evidences of deep and lasting change did not become apparent until the Lord drew Girlie into a saving relationship with Himself.

Without the Holy Spirit leading the way...all our work/energies/efforts ....good as they were/might be....

....were/are in vain. Built on sand.

We must continually check ourselves. Are we operating in the flesh?

And, we must remember the fact ....that our unsaved kids.......... are most definitely operating in the flesh.

Stay close to the Lord, parents...so that you hear His whispers...so that you recognize His promptings. Obey what He is showing you.

Plant the seeds. Water the seeds. Pull the weeds. Prune.

Pray parents. Pray siblings. Pray grandparents. Pray friends....for the Lord to heal hearts.

Our kiddos and ours.

Sensory Rooms

Girlie had a sensory room in her orphanage similar to something sorta kinda like this one...except not quite as elaborate, polished, or fancy.

It was hardcore...though. Just a bit more rustic and folk arty.

Anybody have experiences w/spaces like this here in the states?

What I am Reading

Like with most other books...I find myself weeding through all the info...digging for nuggets of gold.

There is a thorough checklist.

Lots of assessment tests ...many of which resemble games.

And now (1/2 way through) I am getting to the good stuff....

...looks like there is plenty of practical hands on helpful suggestions for.... at home.... brain building activities.

Fun stuff.

Stuff we can do w/all our kids...struggling or not.

Let us know if you've read it. Thumbs up? Thumbs down?