Co-Sleep & Baby Wearing

Keep your little babies as close as possible. Train them to sleep in a wrap, sling or carrier on you. Some babies that struggle may resist this, but it is so good for them. Let them sleep on you, hear your heartbeat, feel your calm breathing, smell your skin.

And guess what? It is good for you!! It changes YOUR brain chemistry. It actually helps you bond with your baby and want to meet her needs.

Now, this next part is not for those of you that are super hippies like Dawn. But if you are more like me and don't walk around nekkie, listen up. At least once a day (besides co-bathing), where you take off your shirt. Put on your Moby, baby into just a diaper and in your wrap and rest. Read a good book or something quiet. Be calm. Skin to skin sleeping is even better!!

Then as your children, especially your girls, grow, point out all the mommas that are doing "attachment" activities with their newborns---breast feeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, eye contact, cooing, etc. Talk about how WONDERFUL those things are and what good mommas they are. Because before you can blink, your RADish daughters will be adults. Adult female women in relationships and pregnant. A wounded child's heart that is not completely healed needs every strategy and all wisdom to know how to connect with their babies and be good, attentive mommas.

Wear those babies and sleep with them, too!

Co-Sleeping in the Family Bed

Dawn and I were both shocked and dismayed by this article. It is so ridiculous. Do accidents happen. Sure. All the time. But these ideas are very western and modern. Co-sleeping is a beautiful thing. I don't know if I have posted here about my love of co-sleeping, but it's worth repeating. Children with trauma backgrounds and/or struggling with attachment will have a very hard time with the normalcy of the parents bed. Unlike "typically" developing peers that run to it in the middle of the night or when sick for comfort, RADishes run from it. Or they are painfully---literally---awkward. (They alone are the ones that injure others in the bed).

They need this snuggle time, even if it's only once in awhile. I heard a lecture years ago (wish I could remember where to link to. Sorry!!) but it was the scientific research on the breathing and heart rate patterns of children and mothers while co-sleeping. While asleep (IE unconscious), a child's body learns to regulate and mimic their mother's sleeping body. They learn how to calm themselves while sleeping. The study said that the sleeping hours are the most unused time of connection and regulation for traumatized kids. With three children, it was hard to get in lots of "therapeutic" time with each of them. I rotated a child in my bed and two on my floor for the first 10 months that they were home. 10 months was my limit. I started to become a bit claustrophobic after that, and we began to transition them into their beds.

Now, for some, the awkwardness or even the fear from the child may make co-sleeping a nightmare. Try just snuggling or reading a book. Clothes, even shoes, on. Work up to longer periods. A rest time. Maybe even a nap. Make your bed a safe place. It is best for them and most certainly should never be compared to them sleeping with a hatchet!

Whoa! Co-Sleeping in the News

Co-Sleeping in the news.


For the record. . . .we are both co-sleepers and encourage parents to co-sleep for attachment. Obviously....be safe about it.

I Was Wrong

I thought that when my husband lost his job and we told her it was time to move...that I would be thrown into RAD HELL.

I was wrong.

I thought that when we moved out of state...away from family, friends, our backyard view, our Sunday School class, our home-educating co-op, our favorite librarian...most of what was safe and secure and familiar...then for sure I would be thrown into RAD HELL.

I was wrong.

I thought that arriving in a new place...with boxes to unpack, a lot of anxiety, & practically zero connections and no real plan to speak of....well then that there would be the very thing that would cause the straw to break on the camel's back and I would be thrown into RAD HELL.

I was wrong.

I thought that the stress of her leaving old friends and meeting new friends would most definitely spiral me into RAD HELL.

I was wrong.

I thought that leaving behind a beloved Math Tutor at the very moment Geometry was entering our lives...would be the death of me for SURE. A slow painful TORTURED DAILY in RAD HELL sort of death.

I was wrong.

Girlie has handled the turning upside down of the only world she has ever known since arriving in the states all those many years ago in a lovely manner.

She's got big feelings. As do we all. She's identifying her feelings and talking about her feelings.

She's brave.

I was so wrong. So wrong about her.

And another thing....did you notice how I thought I would be in RAD HELL? ME. Me. Me. And Dad. And the siblings. To be sure.

This stuff affects the entire family. Everyone struggles.

For a long time...that was why I was so angry.

At her.

But really, I was angry w/the Lord for allowing this difficulty. In her life. In our lives.

Gotta make peace with the Lord. He is a loving Father. He is sovereign. And he reigns.


Things haven't been super smooth...don't get me wrong. But it's no where as bad as my previous experiences told me it would be.

Lesson: Do not live in the past. Live life now and hope for a better tomorrow.

Vacation

Hi again. I'm back to blogging about RAD related stuff.

Needed a break.

Which reminds me. Do yourselves a favor and take a vacation from RAD related issues every now and then. An intentional break.

Refuse to talk about it.

Don't read about it.

Don't visit RAD blogs.

Never you mind the research. It isn't going anywhere.

Don't panic.

Do not fear.

Focus on all things lovely.

Whether it be for an afternoon...a week-end...a week...or longer...choose to be silent re; all things RAD related.

Laugh with your spouse. Hold hands.

Be with your children...the ones who want to be with you.

Be there for the one/s who don't...but choose to dethrone them. In love.

Listen to the Lord's whispers during this intentional time of silence. Allow Him to refresh you.

Vacations don't last forever...as we all know.

We are in this for the long haul. Let's pace ourselves accordingly, Parents.

Vine Heart

Cheesey Heart

You are the One

This is hard. It feels impossible at times. But you are the one God chose to be his/her mommy. At every turn it can feel like she does better for every other person in your life but you. She does. An overly helpful, charming, dollbaby for others and hard, grumpy, dishonoring, disobedient and manipulative with you. Incident after incident of others perceiving her to be angelic and that nothing could possibly be wrong with her, leaves you broken. It is disheartening and the temptation creeps in. . .

maybe she would do better with someone else.

maybe it's me

maybe she just doesn't like me

maybe if XX was her mom, she would be happy

BUT those are lies. It is your love and intimacy that feel threatening to her. Your love literally overwhelms her. It is too close and you have seen all her tells. You can call her out on her stuff. It is scary and vulnerable for her.

If she went somewhere else, she would be okay for awhile. Then the honeymoon would be over and her behaviors would show. The next "mom" would feel helpless too.

It isn't you.

You did not make her a sinner.

You did not put these wounds on her heart.

BUT you were called. God decided that you would be the best mom to her. With all of your short comings and failures. He would use you to minister to this child. He would use you to show this child a glimpse of His love. He would use this child to grow and shape you into Jesus. He would use this child to draw you closer to His heart and help you attach to Him.

So put away those lies. You are in a covenant with her. It is forever. He will equip you for the task He's called you to. He loves you both more than you can imagine. He is in the business of restoration, reconciliation and healing. It does get better.

Together for Adoption

Were any of you lovies at the Together for Adoption conference this weekend? Any thoughts?

Meet the Robinsons

What was your take on this movie? I know there was great debate in the adoption world when this came out. I guess in the end, it comes down to what your child's history is and how you interpret that for them through a biblical worldview. We love this movie. It is a favorite choice from our DVD library.

My girlie came home as an preschooler. She was acutely aware of other children (usually babies) being adopted before her. She was the odd one out in the orphanage clicks. She felt awkward, unwanted and like a Mommy might never come for her. She totally relates to Lewis in this. We have had wonderful conversations all from this movie including:

having to wait on God (both Lewis and his parents),

feeling like valleys will never end,

feeling sad and not turning to God for comfort,

God having a plan for each child's future,

God creating families on purpose,

being uniquely gifted,

forgiveness,

regret,

bitterness,

providence,

choosing to or not to meet his birthmother

waiting children.


Beautiful film. Love it.

And yes, I cry every single time the boys go home with their parents. Every time.

Lilo & Stitch

Another great conversation starter:



Why are the sisters yelling?

What are Lilo's big feelings?

What do you think she wants?

Do you think she wants her sister to be her authority? Who was she missing?

Lilo chose sin with her big feelings. That is not the right choice when we have big feelings. It is okay to be sad and miss people we love. It is never ok to choose sin. What could she have done instead?

Stitch also needed a family. How did Lilo help Stitch?

Bad Case of Stripes

A huge part of attachment disorder is not knowing their own hearts. I don't know about your kiddo, by mine will choose food she doesn't like, clothes she doesn't want to wear, activities she doesn't like, and on and on. What is that? Fear of being wrong and therefore rejected, control of parents' time/energy/focus, too busy focused on surviving to think about anything else. I don't know what the core is or if it changes for my RADish. But it is incessant. Questions like, what do you want? or did you like it? are often met with robotic answers or copying the child that answered near her.

This week, we got our children pets. Our threshold right now with a baby in the house, is limited to beta fish. We got home, got them in their containers and then needed to name them. It took girlie FOR. EVER. to choose because we made her choose hers first. No opportunity to copy. Taking waaayyyy too long, her siblings couldn't wait any longer and chose names. RADish chooses a name in the same manner. (e.g. one chooses a name from a movie, she chooses a name from a movie. one chooses a friend's name. she chooses a friend's name. etc) After much encouragement and not letting her copy them, she finally chose a name. We all agreed it was a great choice.

That night, I pulled out this book:



Love this. She totally got it. Without me saying anything, she said, I do that all the time. A great discussion starter!

Back to School

Here come the triggers of school. I thought things were going well. Then I remembered that summer is filled with many days of freedom. School brings back those long days chocked full of resisting the "you need to do this, please" with controlling behaviors.

After catching her making a the NASTIEST face ever at me, I started asking lots of questions trying to get to the bottom of things. Finally, she replied,
"Oh, sometimes, I just like to think about how disgusting you are, mom."

Oh crazies, welcome back. I'd love to say I've missed you, but the twitching keeps me from that.

It then took another hour to get to the bottom of sin and deal with it. But hey, at least it was an hour and not a week. Healing! :)

Happy back to school, folks. Just remember, you are not alone. We love you. Jesus loves you and He will equip you for this school year.

Church Bathroom Toilet Paper Heart

Social Media

Great article.

Birth parents should not be contacting underage children.

I'm pretty sure that birth parent initiated social media contact is a poor choice all the way around ...no matter the age.