It's been quiet around here. For various reasons. I won't speak for Dawn, but we had one of the worst years RAD wise and I just couldn't stomach giving one more ounce of attention to RAD. RAD was sucking the life out of our family relationships. Her needs consumed all of our finances and then some. We found ourselves stuck talking about her on our date nights. Our children that are attaching were mimicking her behaviors. She had lost or sabotaged every relationship outside our home. There was tension from the moment she woke up until the moment she went to bed. RAD had become an idol. It took and we let it take. It would continue to take until things changed. Taking a break from blogging was a good step for me. We still have to stop conversations, interactions, etc, and remind ourselves just because she is the loudest, does not mean she gets the most attention. We have other kids and Jesus is the center of our home. So it was a good break.
I am not sure I am back, either.
Friday, January 18, 2013
A Break
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Mr. Moe GIVEAWAY WINNERS
GB's Mom and Carol.....please send your addresss to:
attachinghearts@yahoo.com
Sorry for the delay in sending them out. We had some unexpected health issues over here.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
A Change in Our Days
It has been two months now since my RADish started going to work with my husband. Every day. Her lessons and discipleship are completely his. Things had begun to really spiral. (Worse than usual) She's really struggled lately relationally and behaviorally. We had gotten to the point where she couldn't really play with anyone or go anywhere without us being 3 feet away from her. I was exhausted and started to really hurt physically. My husband is primarily responsible for her discipleship and education and knew right now I couldn't come alongside him in it.
The first couple of weeks were hard on her. She would be ok during the day with daddy, but then wreak havoc on me and the house when she was home. It was hard to respond and not react. But we got into a good groove of not reacting to her attempts at control. When she saw that she had lost all (ok most) of the control over me that she has had, she turned to old behaviors. . . and worse. Primarily with food and lying.
It's been hard, but a recent visit from a friend cheered her heart. She has bravely asked that I would have a few people pray for her to overcome these challenges. This is huge for a RADish. They like to charm and woo the outside world in a superficial way. Then they save all of the angry behaviors for mom and dad. To step out and actually invite a few trusted people into her scary world, is so very brave.
I totally understand that not all husbands are capable within their job structure to make such a move. We needed to make a change. She needed to be under Daddy's authority more intimately. As Dawn also did something similarly to this awhile back. Their tutor was this for them. Her RADish couldn't shadow Daddy, but she could bring in a tutor for a subject that was causing much strife between them relationally. We knew for both our families, home schooling was the right choice. Even with RADishes. We also knew things couldn't stay exactly the same. These were good changes for us.
Is there one area over others that is bringing a great deal of strife? Try bringing in some help in that area to bring some amount of peace.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Reader's Letter
We received a letter (and a heart photo) from a reader and thought it would be an encouragement so we are passing it on with her permission.
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I faithfully read and love letting you know my "Miss Romania" is almost 18 this year, in one month. It has been one little crazy journey but it is our life and we chose never to give up. Having no other children at first we knew no other life. After all the tears, scars, deafening screams, fights, attacks and emotional stabs... She is attaching. She told me she never wanted to move from her happy place in our home. She begs me to hold her hand when we watch tv now, sitting on the ground below me, and holds onto my finger like a little baby when I drive the car. When we get out of the car she wants to hold my hand, proud that we have a relationship, and not afraid at the age of 18 to hold mama's hand in public. She almost demands my hand at times so she can prove to the world that we are one and she is loved. She spontaneously hugs and tells me she loves me and acknowledges that she put our family through a lot.
She lies less about needless things, and confronts her behavior with an appropriate reaction of sorrow.
Although she's grounded from her phone and computer at present, it has nothing to do with her behavior or lack of appropriate behavior with her family. She did normal crazy teenage things.
I've put her and her sister together in situations where they have to work together. Last Saturday she went to R's fashion show and went in the back with all the other models to help her sister dress and keep everything in order. They were both pleased at their teamwork, even R was shocked. I didn't go to watch my daughter because I wanted to see how they could be together without killing one another with words and painful hits. It is happening.
Yes we still have those days, they are so far between now it isn't so painful. Yes she still has her moments. But we are becoming whole. But in saying that, it is with a small wall that is lowered ever so slowly.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Deep Aches
I look into my daughter's eyes. She is angry. At her birthmother. At her birth country. At her orphanage. She takes it out on me as if I committed those sins against her. I try and love her and she pushes me away.
How can a child that rejects even the love of tangible, physical earthly parents, accept the love of an unseen God.
It will take a miracle. This will be the work of Christ.
GIVE AWAY
Do you have or work with a child who laughs at sad things? Or maybe they look grumpy when they really aren't feeling grumpy in the slightest. Or, one who freezes at times...showing no emotion at all?
Well, I know this brilliant lady who came up with a brilliant idea...Mr. Moe!
I have two Mr. Moe key chains to give away. One pink...the other blue.
If you would like to enter the DRAWING...leave a comment here (by Monday 4/2 noon EST) w/your color preference.
Then...we'll have a drawing and pull two names.
We hope you win!!!!!!!!
And, don't forget to spread the word about Mr. Moe.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Why Dig Deeper
Not only does it get to the root of the issue, but time and time and time again, we see how secular psychology fails. The thing adults often think is the trigger for a kid with RAD rarely is. Case in point.
Christmas is full of those special behaviors.
At the end of a 4 day spiral. . .
It wasn't from one thing I would ever think of.
She was jealous. They had all gotten outdoor gifts for Christmas. Apparently hubby and I were praising a sibling MORE than her. She was jealous.
What would a typical child do if they felt that way? Draw your attention away to them, right? One-up the sibling? Better and brighter. "Look at me! I'm doing so good on my scooter! Mom, watch me do this! Isn't that great! My scooter is the best!" etc.
Kids with trauma seeing the positive attention to another do not seek out positive attention. They seek out negative attention because they want the positive attention. It doesn't make sense. When they start to heal and can articulate their issues, you can state it back to them.
"So, you saw that he was getting positive attention (previously explained and ID), you were jealous. Instead of trying to get positive attention, too, you chose all of these (listed) behaviors that led to this negative attention and disciplines."
Now, she will say, oh, that doesn't make any sense.
It doesn't. She is now agreeing that that was the wrong pathway. Then we identify the sin that was chosen. Pride, control, fear, etc. Hopefully quickly it will lead to repentance and restoration.
Once again I am reminded that we as adults can not superimpose our frameworks from healthy histories and experience on to their perspective. It is almost always wrong. Do not plant those ideas in their heads. They will just become robotic answers handed right back to you. Ask that the Lord would reveal the truth and prompt you to go deeper when the root has not yet been found.
Monday, December 26, 2011
All Oppression Shall Cease
In this holiday season, that song is stuck in my head. There is mild bullying in our home. It is nothing outrageous, but it is something I keep an eye on. I talked briefly in this post about oppression.
Bullying and manipulation of people smaller or weaker than you is oppression. I think it is best to always identify the biblical terms for the wrong doing. Certain wrong choices aren't just unkindness. They are oppression. They are red flags for me. Because the form they take coming from a little girl turn into pretty yucky and destructive actions in teenage/adult form. Mean people don't have friends. Controlling or oppressive people cause much larger collaterall damage.
For instance, when a little toddler is smacking Mommy or other kids, we are swift to come in and talk about gentle touches and how hitting is wrong. Why? because soon they will be stronger and that hit will hurt a lot more.
That's how I see oppression.
What does that look like, you ask?
RADish, out of my sight/hearing, makes a younger person do something she is capable of doing.
"you get out of your bed and get my socks that fell on the floor."
"take off your scarf and give it to me"
doing anything (taking a toy from or blaming something on, e.g.) a toddler that cannot defend or protect themselves
You get the idea. Here is why it is dangerous.
1) it gives the child control over something they do not have the authority over
2) it gives them a sense of power and temptation to try larger areas
3) it takes away power from the other child who probably does not know how to defend themselves
4) it takes advantage of the kindness of another child
It is super yucky. And not emotionally safe for anyone involved. Get to the bottom of that quickly, teach them God's perspective through Scripture, discipline/disciple always.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Getting to the Root with Smaller Kids
I love love love Dawn's post from last week. I think it is super helpful to have real life examples. The healing it shows in her daughter is awesome. She has come so far and is doing so well at ID her triggers and sin! It is a testimony to Dawn's consistency. Thought I would share a moment from this last week. My daughter is much younger and isn't processing as clearly as her girlie is. It is similar defenses but my girlie doesn't know herself or her Mommy as well as Dawn's does.
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Hubby and I are watching a show and wrapping presents. Not far from the kids room, but all seems quiet. Two hours past RADish's bedtime, she comes out, clearly having not slept yet and addresses Daddy (of course).
"Daddy, I am soooooooo itchy. I am itchy all over."
being a great dad, he hops up and looks at her skin. No rash. No fever. Hmmm, probably faking.
"I don't see anything here, honey, I think you are okay. If you need us, you can come back to us. Try and get some sleep."
She heads back to bed. We exchange the "we know that she is just trying to see all the presents and is a faker" look.
The next morning, I know we need to get to the bottom of the lie the night before.
What was up with you being itchy last night? Where were you itchy?
(changes story 2x in 5 min)
Oh, thank you for letting me know you are lying. Were you really itchy?
I was. I mean maybe. Ok no.
What was the real reason you came out of your room last night?
Well, I knew you and Daddy were doing stuff and eating a snack and watching a show. I wanted to know what movie you were watching.
Huh, you've never been curious about our shows before. What was the real reason you came out of your room last night?
Um, well, Daddy said I can have my snowglobe on. So I was going to ask him to turn it on.
Yeah, but you didn't ask. So that doesn't make sense. What was the real reason you came out of your room last night?
(this goes on and on and on and on and on and on. Depending on the level of commitment she has to her lie, I may give her a variety of disciplines or consequences because lying is never tolerated).
FINALLY, she says:
I knew we were wrapping presents and I wanted to see if any would be for me. Since I have made lots of wrong choices, I thought they were all for (her siblings).
She is then disciplined for lying about itching and we talk through why that is an inappropriate choice. (ie it is totally appropriate for kids to be excited and curious about Christmas gifts. It is however, inappropriate to lie to and manipulate your parents). It is not over until she can not only say what was sin but also repent from it (which could add hours to this). Lots of hugs, affirmation of using words and doing the hard work to move closer to us and the Lord.
There has never been one single time that I walked away thinking, "what a waste of time." It has always been worth it. The times are getting shorter and over and over she sees the fruit of making right choices and choosing to submit to the authority the Lord has placed over her.
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So, I guess the take away is at a younger age is that I usually do not acknowledge any nonsense answer or I will tell her I know why it is a lie. Then I just ask the same question over and over. I want to be careful not to give her any answers. I don't want her to say something just because she thinks it is what I want her to say and will get her out of going deeper. I want to keep her attention on dealing with the core issue and help her to identify it herself.
I don't know how much is really getting to her heart. She still seems pretty robotic in her repentance. I can't tenderize her heart. I can only pile the kindling around it and pray the Lord ignites that fire.
Never settle for the walls they put up around their hearts. It might be peace-ful but will not help them heal.
