Don't Adopt

This message entitled Don't Adopt reminded me of an old post of mine over on our family blog.

Rather than link to it...I will copy and paste what I said here.

4/12/10

With all the news this week about adoption disruptions...my thoughts are swirling in this area.

Christians, do not adopt unless it is out of obedience to the Lord.

Hosea 6: 1-3

For hurting families. 

Hurting parents.  

Hurting siblings.

Hurting kids.

Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day, that we may live before Him.

So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.

- Hosea 6:1-3

Weepy Saturday

All adopted children have experienced trauma.  Not all adopted children struggle with attachment issues.  When we set out on our adoption journey we hadn't a clue about RAD.

14 years later it still shocks me every single time I come across a couple who is in the process of adopting (many older children) with no knowledge of RAD.

Blows me away.

Too many families are dealing with it...for it not to be a topic of discussion in the ADOPTION WORLD.

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Once...when the girls were younger...we chose to remove them from sitting under the authority of a "spiritual leader" due to the fact that this leader did not demonstrate in their own home  how to deal with adoption related issues in a Biblical manner.

We explained the issue to the girls...and although it was a choice that stung...they agreed with our decision and submitted under it.

Adoption is so a part of our family story.  It never occurs to us not to talk about it openly.

Our kids know about this blog.  They are free to read it if they desire to.

There is nothing said here that they do not or would not hear verbally.

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A family we know of were recently in over their heads and needed help.  They have a strong support system but did not ask for assistance for some reason.  Things crumbled.  Entirely fell apart.   Behind closed doors.  Privately.

We are meant to share in good times and bad times.  Side by side.  Together. Weddings...births...homecomings...illness...loss...brokenness. 

The Lord is good and He has intervened but relationships are broken in a wake of wounds which remain.

These sorts of stories play out far too frequently.

And entire communities are affected.



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This scenario could happen to any family.  We are all vulnerable.  We all need help.

We especially need help raising our children and are reminded of that every time we dedicate those children in front of our congregations.  Entire churches affirm their role in helping couples raise up their children in the fear and admonition of the Lord.  We promise to fill that very sobering role however the Lord leads us individually and corporately over varying seasons of those children's development and growth.

We all know of stories where families are burdened by piles and piles of medical bills.  Brothers and sisters rally around and help meet the needs of struggling families all the time.  And thru it...the Lord is glorified.

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I'm pretty confident that every attachinghearts reader who is a believer knows of at least a handful of stories where adopting couples ask for help in raising funds to meet the costs of bringing their children home.   Communities made up of like-minded individuals come together and thru them...the Lord moves in wonderful ways.

It's not always easy for couples to ask for financial help though.

And it seems even more difficult for some to ask for help after the adoptions are complete and continued  help is needed.

What if hurting families humbly asked their communities (the same folks who helped bring the kids home) to support them in the ongoing care of those children...if and when the need arises?

Would you be willing to "tithe" to a couple who needed financial support for their hurting child?  To help fund things like therapy or stays in treatment facilities.... etc?

Could there be a special elder fund for circumstances such as these?  

It would be very inappropriate for the church to ask the church to rise up and be a solution to the ORPHAN CRISIS and then not come alongside those who do rise ....if a crisis manifests in a home as a result.

If our friend's child were born deaf...how many of us would not learn sign language?

If one needed a kidney...would we not run at full speed to see if we were a match?

Or a transfusion.  Would we not donate pint after pint of blood...as many pints as the doctors would allow if we were found to be a match?

Do we raise funds for Specialized Wheel Chair Drives?

Do we have Yard Sales and Car Washes and Bake Sales to fund the cancer treatments of children in our churches?

How many meals have we prepared and delivered to families with exhausted new Moms of healthy children?


If a family with a special needs child or an adoptive family w/ a struggling child/children were desperate for respite care...might we be willing to be trained so that we could be of help?

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.        Galatians 6:2 

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I go through seasons of being led to write here...and then not being led at all.  And all these months of silence go by.  Today I am weepy.  So so so burdened to write down what's going on in my heart.  

It will forever stand out in my mind as Weepy Saturday.

The Theology of Adoption 2

I am sitting in the Parent's Waiting Room at Jump Street...one of those indoor trampoline jumping places...waiting for the kids and I must look like a sight.  Ugly crying at the beauty of this message from Piper.

"When Christ died for us, the price was paid, and when we trust him, we are legally and permanently in the family."

I know many people who are tossed to and fro by the unbiblical idea that salvation is something which can be  lost.  That idea is born in the pit of hell.  

The Theology of Adoption POST 1

I do believe that we are seeing a movement of the Holy Spirit in regards to the church answering the call to adopt.

It follows that many families who answer the call will be met with challenges as they walk out this calling because we live in a fallen world.

There is a need within the church to come alongside those who answer the call and those who answer the call and face challenges after having done so.

Super simplistic...I know.  But....where God guides...God provides...because He finishes what He started.

(Some people...because we are people..and often follow after our flesh...make the decision to adopt in the flesh.  There are consequences to the choices we make in the flesh...and yes....even Christians have to live with consequences to choices made in the flesh.)

^{However......after repentance and a turning from the flesh and a turning towards the Lord...}

...We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a]have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

In an attempt to communicate Biblical truths to our children...I've been pondering the Theology of Adoption.

As I find things that are helpful to my heart...I will post them here.

The first thing that brings some clarity is a re-post from John Piper.





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Heavy Hearted

When I started sharing transparently about our struggles on the Attachment Road...other struggling & hurting people began to arrive in my life.  Sometimes they were brought by friends.  Often times phone calls came in.  From all corners of the country.  I received  e-mails & letters.

I am a RAD expert if you define EXPERT as.... a mom battling this beast to the ground...in the trenches for the last 14 years.

Otherwise... I cannot offer insight. 

I have always tried to offer hope where I have found it.  In Christ.  

I am so heavy heavy heavy hearted for all the hurting families out there. 

I do not know this family.  I am sure they have a horrific story to tell.  A painful story.  It is very good that they did not abandon this child to the streets.

But...oh my Lord....the state.  The system.  A nine year old boy.

cringe / cry

As I process this and similar stories...I ponder this question...

Biblically speaking...what are the options for families like this one?

As believers...we do know that the world's ways are not the Lord's ways.  
 
Thoughts?  Please use Scripture as your guide.

Re-homing

This breaks my heart in so many ways.  For the adoptive families.  For the kids.

And I think it is more common than we know.

There's so much shame surrounding a move like this.  For all involved.

And the enemy of our souls loves to SHAME us.

I guess the bottom line is this....whatever is done in darkness will come to light.  So...if a drastic move must be made...travel the path in the light.

HSLDA Article

Oh my!!!!!!!!!!  this article.

I feel as if our whole entire life just flashed in front of me.  NO-ONE was talking about this in our circles...13 years ago.

We felt so alone for so long.


One thing I know.  The Lord is up to something.  He is at work.  He is doing something.  It's a move of the Holy Spirit.

Did Steve Jobs Have RAD?

This is an interesting article.

hmmmmmmm..........

Reminder

Like an Elephant

What to expect when you show your child video footage of themselves prior to your adopting them?

Footage that exposes it all.

Well, not all.  

But enough.

Orphanage footage.

If you are anything like our family you should expect a full blown out of control spiral.

Lots of pain and anger to process through.

She hasn't even identified the viewing yet as the core issue.

But it couldn't be more obvious.

Classic PTSD (alongside RAD).  Forgetting every single little thing...zero concentration.  Irritability & angry outbursts.  Hyper vigilant.

Here is the trigger that she is as of yet unaware of.

While in the orphanage Girlie was made to perform.

For 4.5 years...every time  she wanted something from the caregivers...she performed.

Every time the adoption liaison arrived to video the children she was working hard to find families for...she would perform.

It's all on film.

It's absolutely ridiculous the way she was required to perform.  It's disgusting.

It makes me heartbroken for her.

We will not allow our daughter to walk in that mentality any longer.  Even so, she struggles with needing to perform at all times.  Still.  13 years home.

Since Day One we have encouraged her away from this bondage.

She is corrected and even disciplined when necessary...as she chooses to walk in this temptation.

Well, long story short...seeing herself as a baby and a toddler...performing like a friggin monkey in a poor man's circus has done a number on her.  And ever since...she has been trying her hardest to perform...for everyone and anyone who will give her a glance.

She tried it with us.  But we were having none of it.  Moms, Dads, and siblings don't need to perform for one another.  In fact, it's insulting to think it necessary.  Offensive even.

And when you are dead set on performing and winning others over by your performances...let's say...wooing family friends...relatives...peers...neighbors...because if you don't you feel as if you could literally DIE...

...and that attempt at control is removed from you by the simple instruction...

"Do not speak unless you are spoken to."

...well...the entire world becomes a frightful place all over again and the need to control it threatens to overpower you.

The trigger in a nutshell.

It's like an elephant smack in the middle of the melt-down.

good blog post

good blog post...goes for RAD too.

There is a flip side however.  Sometimes, as parents dealing with attachment issues...we can go overboard with the not wanting our kids to engage inappropriately with others ...or visa versa...though.

It's because we know that many times they are being superficial.

And that they engage with every Tom, Dick, and Harry while out and about  BUT not with intimates at home.

That they are trying to win random strangers or Joe Shmo acquaintance's approval.

This attempt of theirs is not only a grab for attention...but a grab for control.  Controlling their environment...even to the point of attempting to control others perception of them...is a huge temptation.

As parents...we want to train and guide our kids...in the ways we see fit.  The ways we believe will most benefit them in the short term and in the long run.  We want to protect them.

One of the hardest things to do is to let go and to sit back and watch.  And to allow natural consequences to play out in the lives of our struggling kids.

When others do not think it's so cute anymore as a child/tween/teen refuses to stop nonsense chattering about NOthing.... when a child/tween/teen is constantly disregarding other people's personal spaces and hangs a littletoocloseforcomfort...or isolates in uncomfortable and strange attention seeking ways...when self control & self awareness are lacking in a child/tween/teen...etc...etc.... etc.

We can tell them until we are blue in the face why A B or C is inappropriate or when enough is enough...but in my experience...a handful of incidents where others catch on and have had enough...and get to the point of mentioning something...well....those sorts of moments speak volumes.

90 & 9

Love...it's a verb.

To be honest...the last thing I wanted was for Girlie to touch me.  After the week we had...even the feeling of having her anywhere near me was something I needed to drum up.

Once the thought entered my head though...it wouldn't leave.

Even if she's pushed and pushed and pushed you away....bring her close... pull her close.

I needed to make a choice.

Instead of walking in my flesh...I submitted to the Holy Spirit and asked her to do my feet.

By "do my feet" I meant...take off my old chipping nail polish with nail polish remover and attempt to get off the beach tar while she was at it...pick a color ...any color...and doctor them all up again nice & pretty.

She chose this pretty shade of lavender.

So that my feet could match her feet.

Love... it's a verb.


Added benefit...a pedicure was the perfect wrap up to my crappy week ;)

Over My Dead Body

The enemy of my soul...the enemy of my family members souls...wants nothing more than to wreak havoc and cause division.

He is completely opposed to unity.  He wants to separate.  He is like a lion prowling around waiting to pounce.  Waiting to devour.

He wants to devour Girlie.

Over my dead body is He going to win.

I've got a victorious Lord and I've got Ephesians 6.

His ass is grass.