A bit of quesadilla love.

Surprise Them!

I have had 4 birthday parties for my kids this year. 2 of the 4 were surprises. Now in regular world that is awesome, fun and exciting. In a struggling to attach world, it is too. It is also completely intentionally preventing sabotage. Someone else's birthday is overwhelming for a Radtastic. It is hard to not be the center of attention, selfless and see someone else be loved. It is tenfold that to have the attention on HER! The anticipation of what a party or event will be like or how they will feel or how people love them enough to plan for her, is just too much to handle. It will cause drama before and after the event. I saw this with the first party-not a surprise. So if you know you'll have to help them process the emotion of the event afterwards..... prevent the lead up drama by not telling them. Both times we had great days despite them not being prepared.

That being said I am all about predictability and structure. They know about the things that happen every day or every week. (Bible Studies, lessons, service). We also daily have regular meals, naps, etc. This is just something that has helped us with those special, super-disregulating, emotionally-charged days.

Doesn't really work for Christmas. Not only is every store decorated by November 1, but if you want to celebrate Advent, the anticipation is building for 24 days! That is a lot on their little hearts. Take everything slow. Say 'no' to more than you'd like to. If you have many things planned, spend lots of time resting, cuddling and relaxing when you aren't out and about. Pray for those little hearts. I don't think we'll ever know how much they are going through. Much love and a Merry CHRISTmas from our homes to yours!

Attachment Class/Bible Study

We're Super Excited about this!!!!

Interested in a 2-hour weekly session (4 weeks in January) by a believing Therapist with available childcare?

Please email us for details!!!

PHOENIX AREA

Oh, Daddy Knows that Game!

Last week, I hosted a party in my home. It was ladies only so children and hubby got sequestered to the back of the house. Everything he'd need for the night was there. He even had dinner back there for them. Our little Radtastic loves to control and manipulate, especially when we are separated. But my sweet husband has her number! He dished out 3 bowls of rice and Radtastic starts in about needing a particular bowl. He knows she thinks there is more food in that bowl=more love=higher standing in the family=more power or whatever her little mind perceives. So he gave her the bowl she wanted and THEN he gave another scoop of rice to sister. Welcome crazy cycle! Oh, but dear one, this is the bowl you asked for. You may not manipulate. Daddy loves you and provides for your needs. When you are finished with this, you may have more. Oh, the lovely attitude. It was hours of crazy because she didn't get control. But somewhere in her heart, we hope she is learning it is God through my parents that care for me. I don't have to care for myself.

I never want to see my kids disregulated. I don't want them to choose discipline. But it was...what's the word....affirming? encouraging??...that he got to witness the behavior I usually get all day. And then for him to be so attuned to her heart to keep control in a loving and firm way? Oh, God is tender, instructive, guiding and loving. He is working in our homes, if we stay focused on Him, to begin to heal the wounds that are festering and infected right now.

And how are YOU?

Okay, seriously back to basics, but so necessary.  Teach your child to answer:

"How are you feeling?"

I know you think I am crazy right now.  It seems so commonplace in our world.  We greet everyone from the grocer to our spouse with how are you?  But I am not talking about fine, good, okay.  But rather those scary unused words for RAD kids.  

Scared, disappointed, sad, tired, thirsty, angry, happy

Ask often.  Helping ID and talk through things with Mom can help divert some behaviors that would be expressed otherwise inappropriately.  

"do" LOVE

My hubby and I have been through enough marriage counseling...private/small groups/classses/seminars to recognize that this marriage stuff is hard work and often pushes us into uncomfortable places. We are committed to our relationship....the health of it....the strength of it....the growth of it....so we travel to uncomfortable places together. We have been taught and believe that LOVE is an action. And that even when we are not "feeling" love we are to "do" love. Most of the time...more often than not.... feelings follow obedience. It's as if the Lord uses our obedience to soften hearts....our own and our spouse's.

Well, isn't it the same with a family? Members are committed to the health of it...the strength of it....and the growth of it....so we travel to uncomfortable places together. Love is an ACTION. When our kids struggling w/attachment don't "feel" like being loving...let's say......giving a hug before bed....or.....waking up with a kiss....they should be taught to "do" LOVE. I promise....it works. Hearts soften. Feelings follow obedience. Try it.

Put your little one on your shoulders and and hold their legs securely.  Tell them to lift their arms high in the air.  You'll be surprised at how scary and challenging this is for your child.  We got the arms raised after awhile, but she was still bracing herself with her stomach.  

Do it again in a day or so.  

As she begins to feel more comfortable, try a little jump.

or a twirl.

or a run. 

there just might be a day when she trusts that you won't let her plummet to her death.  :)

Sent in by a reader. A little surprise love found in a Mother's.... Animal Cookie bag.

What usually builds trust?

Unconditional love.
Time.
Testing.
Truth.
Consistent firm & loving discipline.

What most likely destroys trust?
Conditional love.
Lack of patience.
Fear.
Untruth.
Inconsistency & exasperation.

If you have any more ideas....please feel free to add to the list.

Visiting While in Process

The following was sent by a reader via email:

How often do you recommend visiting?

Do you have any special ideas on how to make trips memorable and special for the kids? Any certain activities or attachment exercises that worked for you?

What is the best way to leave your children? How do you say goodbye to the younger ones who don't really understand what's going on?

What about discipline? What do you do if your two-year-old bites you or slaps another child in the face in the middle of an orphanage full of nannies & children? I have tried firm "No's" and making it clear that I disapproved of their actions ( and rewarding & praise of good behavior) but I just got laughed at. The rod is clearly needed- but is obviously not an option with a live audience of no means of being consistent in it's application even if no one was around...

Do you have any other thoughts on this topic overall?

_________________________________

~My heart was really heavy when we first received this email.  The timing of it, unknown by the sender, was so sensitive.  I have spent the last couple of weeks helping my children through some grief specifically related to my multiple visits and departures during our wait.  I've felt more than unqualified to answer these questions.  

At the end of it all, though, my feelings of inadequacy came down to me not wanting to embrace a "new" aspect of pain associated with adoption.  But the truth is, it did hurt for all of us.  As an adult, I longed to spend every moment I could with them, even if I had to leave.  Was this not the right choice? Selfish?  Although hearing their pain in our goodbyes, I KNOW it was the right choice.  Before I answer, I want you to know that there are other orphanages-good orphanages that do not allow you to visit until your adoption is complete.  They believe it is what is best for the child.  Others allow it.  My was one like this.  So for the first question:

Yes, I recommend going and as often as you are able.  Although they do hurt and will at some point grieve, the good outweighs it.  At least it did for us.  I can now say to them every chance I could come to see you, I did.  I wanted to see you and I missed you.  They also learn that Mommy always comes back.  

~To make the time special, choose a song you'll sing to them on your trip and when they come home.  My children would hum the melody months after I'd left.  I also think you should take a nice piece of white paper for each child on each trip.  Have them color and then take them home.  My children love that our closet is decorated with their "baby" artwork!  

~I think it is imperative to learn how to say goodbye in their native tongue.  I would say "I am your Mommy.  You are my baby girl.  I need to go now.  I don't want to go.  I will come back." If you cannot, try to find a kind translator that will say exactly what you want them to.  Unfortunately, the truth is no one will probably comfort them even after your words and departure.  It will be sad for all of you, even the littlest ones.  If they'll let you, secure a picture to your child's crib.  We had a crib toy that sat like a triangle (on one side was a mirror and the other a slot for a picture.) in her crib.  We put our faces in there.  Our baby had that in their for at least 6months.  

~AAAH.  Discipline.  I'll let Dawn share on this.  My kids saved a lot of their "special" behavior for when we were alone.  Just remember it is not disneyland.  Be as firm as you would be at home.  Staying in their time-in spot was a huge feat!  

Cate

_________________________________

About the Discipline Question:

Girlie #1 was in desperate need of Biblical discipline as soon as she was transferred into our care.  The embassy visit was an absolute nightmare....out of control.  All eyes were on us.  Our translator...an orphan who had never been placed with a family....obviously felt our pain.  He was tortured for us and the obvious hell we were in for with this child who was testing every boundary known to mankind. Girlie #2 revealed her true colors as a big time sassy pants soon after she realized that she was the set apart child in the group who had these special people called "parents" who were there just for her....to take her and her alone away to a place called "home."  Our sweet, precious baby became the witch of the group in a matter of days.  I clearly remember the caregivers watching us and whispering amongst themselves when she would act up.  They were obviously curious to see how we would deal with our new little sinner.  Well, even though she was not yet legally ours....we moved ahead as if she were....and corrected her firmly when the need arose.  When she was bratty towards another child....we lifted that child into our arms and told her, "That is rude.  Daddy and Mommy say...you may not!"  When she whined for toys....we ignored her....unimpressed.  When she grabbed for toys...we removed them from her grasp and handed them to others...who were not grabbing.  From day one...she was treated as if she were at home. Soon (we were in country for a month) the caregivers learned to trust us with her.  They even gave us the freedom of possessing a key to the orphanage wing....and unsupervised visits around the grounds.  I believe they liked us and I'd like to think it had something to do with the way we were parenting this little girl who had been in their care for the previous 3.5 years.

If I was smacked by my child or witnessed him/her biting another child....my kid would be standing nose to the corner with the whole world watching so fast.... his/her head would spin. Not acceptable. The seeds you are planting now....will sprout one day....sooner or later.  

And they would not leave that corner until they were ready to say, "I'm sorry for smacking/biting."  Even if they weren't really sorry....because who could possible guess at that point in time whether an apology was real or not????  At least they would be learning the appropriate words to say.       

 

Dawn

Hold on tight.....and......celebrate a small/giant victory w/me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! before it all disappears into thin air as if it never happened.  

Our girlie has always had a very difficult time w/laughing or smirking during very serious and sad moments.  The first time I noticed how inappropriate her reactions were...was during the funeral of a young boy in our church who died suddenly.  As you can imagine....every single adult in attendance was crying.  I watched my girlie in the rear view mirror during  the drive to the cemetery as she tried to suppress her grin and  my heart sank.  I was raising a monster (my fear/panic.)  She had no empathy whatsoever.  At least no apparent or obvious empathy.   We have a relative in our family who has many, many issues.  This relative is known to laugh at funerals.  At her own grandmother's funeral she sang, "Another One Bites The Dust" under her breath.   I was petrified...to say the least...to raise a daughter who might grow up to be someone similar to my insensitive, dysfunctional, very much disliked (yet loved) relative.  

Girlie really does struggle with this.  Her tendency is to laugh at the most inappropriate moments.   Like when the newborn baby is screaming with gas pains....or when brother is vomiting...or when Mom has a migraine.  It is not easy to deal with.  In the flesh...I want to return evil for evil.  I want to punish.  I want justice.    

My Mom, Girlie's Nana is going through some medical stuff.  Painful stuff.  Stuff which makes her cry.  Today, Nana cried....in front of Girlie.  Girlie did not laugh out loud....but she did smirk.  She tried to hide the smirk....but it was there.  Brother noticed and was highly offended. How could Girlie smirk?!?!?!?!?!?!?  What the heck was there to smirk about?!?!?!?!?!?!?

After Nana left, I pulled Girlie close to me and asked what she was feeling.  

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"  

Blank stare.

"I don't believe you. What are you feeling?"

Long Pause

"Mom, What do you think?"

"It doesn't matter what I think.  I know why you are smirking..... 

Do you know why you were smirking, that's the  question?"

Long Pause

"Why were you smirking?"

A quivering lip and the beginnings of tears.

"Because I love Nana and I'm worried about her.  I'm afraid."

Hug.

"Did Nana see you smirk?"

"I don't know."

"Well, if she did....do you think that maybe you might've hurt her feelings?"

"Yeah."

Do you want to call her?"

"Yeah."

Immediate relief.  She dialed Nana's number...which she knows by heart.

"Nana, it's me.  (shaking voice) I'm just calling to tell you that I love you and that I am worried about you."

""Thank you, Girlie.  I appreciate that," was Nana's response.

Here's the celebration:   No whiplash yet.  We've had a calm, peaceful home all afternoon.  Even though things could spiral downwards soon....they haven't yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MUCH MUCH MUCH to be thankful for!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Growth

In our experience, moments of growth and depth are always followed by days of turmoil.  The breakthroughs..... when they come.....are obviously frightening.  Things get off kilter.  Control shifts.  The frightened person grabs at and attempts to regain footing.  Parents experience whiplash.  Siblings experience whiplash.   Things often get ugly even though we don't want them to. We repent. Hopefully our frightened person softens and repents too.   And the family gets back on track.

There was no evidence of softening over here until a few hours ago....when I acted in opposition to what every bone in my body was screaming to do.....

YELL... YELL... YELL... CARRY ON... RANT & RAVE...NURSE MY WOUNDS AND HOLD A GRUDGE!!!!!!!!

....and obediently drew my girlie into an embrace and kissed and hugged..... and lifted her chin...... searching for and refusing to settle for anything less than deep eye contact.  Then more kisses and a tighter hug.  Eye contact.  Tender voice.  

"What's wrong?"..... I asked.

No answer.  

Tears.

"Tell me what's really wrong?  "Why are you crying?""

A hug back and more tears.  

"I'm sad that I am sinning against you.  And trying to go my own way.  And doing this.  Making life difficult. "

"I love you."

Another hug.  Tighter.

"I love you too."

Oh Lord, please turn our hearts towards our children and turn their hearts towards us.  

Tomorrow is a new day.  

        

  

Center of Attention Verbage-Pt 4

We also talk about how that smile, laugh, kiss or action was pretend. (You cannot force a true reaction but you can discourage the fake one.) I will talk about how I love their real smiles, etc. and that they don't need to pretend. If they are using that pretend gesture to seek attention from a friend or relative, I will say, XX loves you because you are you. You don't need to make a pretend laugh with her. Depending on the intimacy of the relationship, it is great to be able to try again in the moment. Auntie, XX was pretending to laugh to get your attention. She wants to try again.  

Please Note

There is a play scheduled for Phoenix.  Please email us if you'd like details. (See notes on right)