C.S. Lewis

Parenting the Special Needs Child

My friend, Jill and her story. 

Humility.
Honesty.
Transparency.
Hope. 

And part 1.  So wonderful.  

Happy Mother's Day, Moms.

Adult RAD Symptoms

You know how when the Lord is trying to teach you something...trying to get your attention...

...your devotionals and the week's sermon line up?  And a certain song plays on the radio that speaks to whatever it is you are being shown.  And on topic conversations occur out of the clear blue sky....

...and they all line up with the ISSUE? 

You know how the Lord gives us each certain "hotspot" topics that He wants us to deal with?  The ones that fall into our laps.  The ones we cannot get away from.

Mine have to do with spiritual warfare and ADULT RAD.

I CANNOT GET AWAY FROM EITHER.

Literally...issues dealing with false teaching in regards to how Bible believing Christians should be handling spiritual warfare matters and adults with RAD symptoms fall into my lap.

Bible Studies...play dates...church services...family gatherings... I encounter these same issues over and over again. 

It's not an accident.

It's intentional.
 
Learning to navigate the road on which He has me. 

Recently...our family had another experience with a struggling adult.  This person refused to go deeper.  She bowed out of our lives when we would not bend the knee to her. 

I am reminded of this post.

Biblical View of Reactive Attachment Disorder

EXCERPTS:  

* They should find it in God's Word, ministered by the church.  But desperate parents often turn to the secular community, which has embraced the problem, offering support groups,  literature, and residential treatment facilities.  Those Christian resources specific to RAD which are available are generally not biblical.  They simply echo the secular theories and add on some Scripture like a lemon slice in a glass of tea. 


*  Secular and Christian psychologists propose that RAD occurs as a reaction to neglect and/or abuse in early infancy.  Lack of attachment develops from a broken bonding cycle, unmet needs, and disorganized brain development, which prevents the child from bonding with a caregiver, from trusting anyone, and from developing a conscience.

Scripture teaches a different view.  A child who displays the behaviors fitting the reactive attachment disorder label is reacting to mistreatment with fear and anger.  He wants to control his environment in order to gain safety and justice and these desires and behaviors have become habits.

*  Attachment theories are man's philosophies.  Scripture is the truth.  Following are truths from Scripture that have a bearing on our view from attachment.

-People are not evolved animals.
-Viewing man as an evolved mammal reduces human behavior to a biological level, removing morality from human behavior and discarding responsibility.  It erases motive, desire, will, and God from the equation.  Children are reduced to trainable blank slates.

Reminds me of this book...and why we home-educate.  

-The mind is not the brain.  
-The idea that the mind is an entirely biologically-based process is endemic to attachment literature.
-Saying that dysregulated neural networks explain misbehavior is only semantics away from saying that the brain directs thoughts and behavior. 

(I have never used the term "dysregulated"  It does not sit well with me.  Now, I understand better why.)

* Genetics and brain damage cannot overrule the mind.
-Because the brain does not determine moral choice, attachment theory is wrong in its doctrine that a brain problem incapacitates the child so that he cannot behave sociably.  Genetics and chemistry influence, but they do not rule.
-Physiology does not control man; the heart does.
-It is the immaterial--desire and volition--that initiates moral actions.

*Responsibility is not outside the child.
-In attachment theory, the child is presumed to be innately good, just sick, brain damaged, or victimized.  He would comply if he could, but he cannot because of his disorganized brain development.  It basically says, "My parents made me do it" so that "My brain made me do it."  The child is exonerated and incapacitated.

Attachment therapy undercuts hope because forgiveness is not available.  A sick person needs healing, not forgiveness.  But if guilt is admitted in a situation, then forgiveness also becomes a possibility.  So does freedom from guilt.

*The goal of all attachment therapies is a well-behaved, or at least a better-behaved child.  The goal is sadly temporal.  The child who is a therapy success becomes a well behaved sinner rather than a  "dysregulated" sinner, but he is still an unforgiven sinner.  His eternal destiny remains the same.  Thought and behavior change while old desires to live man's way remain.  Still not under God's authority, he is only a new and improved autonomous man, repackaged to be socially acceptable.

At the end of the day, when considering the RAD child who steals, what we still have to reckon with is, "You shall not steal." (Exodus 20:15)


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UPDATE:

I highly recommend this book for those who are living with RAD or for those who know someone who is.

I'm going through it again today...this time with a highlighter.  I will post whatever jumps out as me as important.  

________________________________________

This manuscript showed up at our home today.  Out of the clear blue sky.  Unsolicited.

I read it all the way through in one sitting.

Many of the sections I read out loud.... to my husband and to Girlie and whichever siblings were within earshot.

Confirmations all the way around.   For every one of us.  This is the most Biblical discussion of RAD we have ever come across.

Lines up 100% with our thinking.

I am crying.

Because The Lord is so faithful.

He has led me to a like-minded therapist who speaks the language I have attempted to communicate here on this blog for so many years now.

I'm pretty sure the copy I have is the working draft of Parenting the Difficult Child: A Biblical Perspective on RAD.  

The fact that this arrived today...sent by a friend...speaks to my heart.  You see...another friend...living in a different state than the first friend sent me a message just last week asking if I had read it.  I told her I planned to but just hadn't gotten around to it yet.  

It is literally as if the Lord dropped it into my lap and said, "Dawn...read this."  (not audibly) 

“The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are.”     C.S. Lewis

 

 

Responsive Teaching

This article. 

I know we have all failed in this area.

Repent and then walk in light of what the Lord has shown you.

And, smile.

I HATE YOU!

Do your children ever direct screams of, "I HATE YOU!!!!!!" at their struggling sibling?

Do they whisper, "i hate you" under their breath so that only their sibling can hear?

Do they tell you during quiet times that they hate their sibling?

The response must always be this...

I understand how you are feeling.  The Lord understands.

Hate is a heavy thing to carry.

Hating actions/behavior/sin is okay.  Hating people is not.

The Lord has made us a family.  Forever we will be a family.  He did not make a mistake when He made us a family.  He is in this.  

Our hatred exposes ugliness in our own hearts.  Wretchedness. 

We must hate only what the Lord hates.

We must turn our hate over to the Lord.

We will always be tempted to justify the hate we sometimes feel.  We will be tempted to give it living room.  Allow it space.  Tolerate it.  Even nurture it in ourselves and in others.

Fear not.  

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.          

1 Corinthians 10:13

Here's the really hard part.  Sometimes we can scream "I hate you"...without ever saying a word.  
The Lord knows.  And the person who is hated knows too. 

Cinderella Law

This  article reminded me of a past post entitled...Unattached Parents.

fatherless no more

When we are confused and our thoughts are murky...wait.  Pray...seek wisdom ask for discernment and wait.  Wait for the revelation of what the Lord has been moving us to all along.

Amongst all our noise...we could not hear HIM.  With a diverted focus we could not see Him.  In our emotion...He seemed far away.  In our hysteria...He appeared silent.

When He seemed close... we went forth with a sense of peace.  But what we actually heard was what we wanted to hear.  It wasn't HIM speaking at all. 

Here it is.  What He brought forth to my heart.

It came to me in this exact order.

Last night...while driving the streets near our cities skid row...they are not fatherless.  Our adopted children are not fatherless any longer.  Thank YOU, Lord that they have been given fathers. 

Later... just because we sometimes feel as if the children given to us are not gifts...they are.  Lord, YOU tell us they are.  They are gifts.  And feeling anything otherwise is us buying into a lie.  The enemy of our souls is the father of lies.  And, he is the enemy of our childrens' souls.  YOU tell us this.

Before bed...my prayer... Lord...please bring more to the surface of my mind.  Please help me to see clearly what You want me to see.  

While drifting off...we are to renew our minds.  YOU have instructed us to do so.   That means our minds are a battlefield.  Wars are waged on battlefields. 

Pre-dawn... our emotions do not need to proceed obedience.   We are to obey.  Like YOU  have told us to do.

And now...in the early morning...we are to take courage!  Believers, I AM is ours forever and we are HIS. 

On earth...our children are HIS to do with as HE sees fit.   They are gifts given to us.  And we are stewards of their lives FOREVER.  This we know because he tells us so.   

No returns.  No exchanges.  No re-gifting.  

Let us renew our minds...and in doing so...we will be transformed.  HE tells us so. 


And it's not just about Fathers.  Every member of our family has been challenged in this area.  Extended family too.  And some in our spiritual family.  

Confronted by the Lord...with what HE has to say  about it. 

Number 5

this article

ReMoved

This film.

I am heartsick. And I cannot stop crying. 

Ugliest Thing

"Biblical orthodoxy without compassion is the ugliest thing in the world." 

Francis Schaeffer

Food Issues

UPDATE:

Although this story does not mention RAD at all...I find the timing of my awareness of it interesting...given my last post.

________________________________

One of our adoption liasons is a friend :)  All these years later...I just love that!

She is a wealth of info...so supportive and has such a heart for adoptive families.  Today she

posted this 

over on her fb wall.

Hosanna

A reader sent me this link.

I am so grieved.  I do not even know how to process this.

 CHURCH....let it not be so of us!

and 

Hosanna!

Praying for this dear hurting couple (The Barnes)  and their hurting daughter (Anna.)

be a family

I received a comment from someone who is wounded by this post. 

Dear Anonymous,

I am so sorry for wounding you.  Biblically speaking...adoption is a supernatural occurrence.  As believers, our adoptions into Christ's family are supernatural.  

I will go further here than I originally did and say...all believers...those raising biological children and those raising adopted children are in need of supernatural aid in helping them steward the lives the Lord has entrusted into their care. 

Adoption is a beautiful thing.  The love of the Lord is on display & even magnified through adoption. 

Blessings,
Dawn

 ______________________



Another re-homing article in the news. 

Desperate people do desperate things.

So many questions...so many complexities.

We know that believers are called to handle things differently than the world does.

We have wisdom that the world does not possess & we have resources that the world does not have.  Our well never runs dry. 

What does this mean for believing adoptive families?

What needs to be done?????...cuz something needs to be done...cuz lots of kids and parents are struggling & suffering. 

I've been processing.... with a Christian counselor...all of the above.  The church MUST rise up not only in adopting...but in supporting adoptive families pre-during-and post adoptions.  If we are to operate as a family...then we are to do just that.   Be a family.  Sharing and carrying one anothers' burdens.  Not just the joys.  Not just the homecomings at the airport...but the burdens.   And not just the pre-adoption fund raising burdens...the post adoptive ones too.    

We are all called to orphan care.

We are not all called to adopt.

DO NOT ADOPT unless the Lord is calling you to do so.  

Adoption is supernatural.  I am absolutely convinced.  And that means we cannot manage it in our own strength.