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Sunday, July 20, 2008

Unattached Parents

It sounds like a contradiction, I know....especially for those who prayed for...begged for....planned for....sacrificed for....and waited for their children to come home.


But attachment is a two way street. 

Never before or since have the inroads to my heart been so twisted and turned than they have been on this "attachment" journey.  We were completely unaware of RAD until it hit us smack in the face...months and months after placement.  The symptoms were there but we were in the dark as to what they pointed to.

I believe that the Lord...for His purposes.... gave us a "honeymoon" period with our daughter so that we...her parents, siblings and grandparents could attach to her on some level before all heck broke loose.  She was not attached to us.  But, thankfully...we had attached to her...somewhat.
 
An unattached child will find it very difficult to attach to unattached parents.   

10 comments:

Brenda said...

I think deep down we love them with all our hearts. Otherwise we would not keep trying and it would not twist our hearts.

Anonymous said...

I am a foster/adoptive mom, just awakening to the RAD in our family. The more I read, the more I see our son. Oh how I cry out that he will be healed, that he can know a complete love. I will continue to read and seek help from moms like you.

Kathy said...

Very true. But it's also very hard to love the child who literally spits in your face, lies about you, basically hates you. The same child who is Mr. Charming to everyone else. Sometimes it is really an act of will to respond the right way to the behaviors.

Simply Moms said...

Kathy, it's nearly impossible and it's so true that it is an act of the will most days. My waking prayer each morning is that..... today it comes naturally.

Greg's Wife said...

Just curious... When you say the symptoms were there in the early months- What are some "clues" one should be looking for?

I hope that's not too basic a question... You can just tell me to go read a book on attachment ;), but if you do that would you please direct me to one that is suitable to a serious follower of Christ? (less psychology based)

Simply Moms said...

Most of the tell tale signs were there....no eye contact, incessant chatter...preferring others/strangers over us...lack of impulse control...crazy lying...lack of cause and effect thinking...etc.

Here's what I do...I read info... (much of the time on websites) and usually know quickly if the advice being offered/techniques being suggested are not for me. If you do not have the gift of discernment....run it by someone whom you trust...who does. I am not into psychology either...and much has seeped into the church. Man made ideas will not produce the fruit we are looking for long term. I suggest you start with Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. Although it does not deal w/RAD specifically....there is much good advice and solid wisdom w/in it's pages. Also, check our Booklist...not necessarily written by Christ followers....but those listed have been read and much can be gleaned from them as well. Take what works and throw the rest out the window. The Lord will reveal what is of Him and what isn't.

Simply Moms said...

Hi Cara,
I want to add too, that when you are going through it, you will notice it. It will feel manipulative and forced. I will a couple of other good books, The Connected Child & The Whole Life Adoption Book to the list. Also, I think a good quick list is on http://a4everfamily.org/

Anonymous said...

Our kids didn't get this way by "traditional" means and as such need a different approach and re-training, if you will. Some RAD kids do not improve; it's the dark side of adoption no one talks about openly. God will prevail and every story has a purpose; whether it ends in full healing, partial healing, resignation, or disruption.

Simply Moms said...

It's so true that whatever the outcome, the Lord is still good and has still conquered the grave.

Simply Moms said...

As believers...we know that the moment we become the parents of a child...is the moment we embark on a life long journey as the parents of that child.


Dawn