Friday, January 23, 2015

Psalm 84:11 / Guest blogger Galilee

Last week I went outside of my parents protection sneakily by trying to find out how I could get online information about my birth mother.  My mom figured me out instantaneously.  However, she didn't tell me she had me figured out.  She told me to stop lying because I lied like 10 times in like 5 minutes and told me to go think about what I was feeling and to tell the truth.  The truth is that I was feeling nervous about bringing up the conversation because I didn't want to hurt my parents feelings by making them feel like my curiosity meant I didn't love them or something like that.  I do love them very much.  I wanted to see if I could find out if I had any of the same characteristics as my birth mother.  Characteristics like physical ones... and abilities, talents, behavioral ones, emotional ones etc. I realized I wasn't satisfied with the amount of information that my parents had given me and I wanted to find out more if there was more to be found.  Very manipulative, wretched on my part, I had plans to use my dying Mormon neighbor to get the job done.  She's doing genealogy work and I pretended to want to bond over adoption stories since she herself was an abandoned child and is an adoptive parent.  The way the Lord is working through all this is by convicting me of my sin and having me trust in what He's provided for me, like the amount of information I do have and parents who share it all with me.  My mom reminded me that it's okay to talk about my adoption story...which they talk openly about all the time...and ask's just that I was weird about it for some reason. My mom and I also discussed that I may never know if I am like my birth mother and I have to be satisfied with that. 

My mom reminded me to go through in my mind all the ways that the Lord has been good to me.  

He gave me life.  He protected me in the womb.  He provided doctors & a shelter for me in the hospital.  He provided an orphanage.  He provided an orphanage worker to see me as a survivor and a thriver and she looked for a way for me to be adopted.  He gave me a loving family.  He gave me a Christian family who directs me to the Lord. He's given me a home.  Siblings.  Education. Good nutrition.  Solid teaching.  Opportunities.  

I was stuck in the mode of thinking about what I didn't have pre-adoption. What a waste of time.  And such unnecessary drama which hurts me and those around me.

Another way the Lord is working in me is by having me question whether I'm walking rightly or not.  Not just me thinking everything He withholds must not be good.  

For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory.
The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.
Psalm 84:11.