the last couple of weeks have been a horrid. Our little Radish has begun---or at least the Lord is revealing it now---to eat non-food items. According to Poison Control, in relatively small doses it's no big deal. (sigh). So, although my baby is not in immediate harm's way, she is in danger. And I can't keep her safe and she thinks she can get away with things like this. And best of all, in her eyes, I am now a liar. What I tell my kids is eating things that aren't food is dangerous. You will get very sick. Etc. I would never want my kids to be in the hospital or hurting! EVER! But, seriously, I am in shock. Who knew something this serious would have no natural consequence? ugh. Honestly, I am fearful of not being able to protect her from herself, that her behavior would hurt/influence her siblings and that she isn't getting better. And I am angry. Not righteously. Sinfully angry at the disruption to the family, at her for her choices, and at, well, maybe even the Lord for not making it all go away. It is not right, but I'll tell you because we want to be authentic with you.

So tonight, I feel ill equipped and as though I want to run as far away from her and the issues and the pain that I can't take away.

far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, away.

but when my heart quiets in the eye of the storm, I take my sin to His throne. I am thankful for repentance, forgiveness and His mercies that are new every morning. I am reminded, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." He does not give up on us, ever. No matter what. Even when we reject Him, or push Him away or sin against Him. No matter the consequences or the discipline He needs to give us. He always hopes and always pursues. Thank you, Lord, for so tangibly loving me in my own attachment disorder with You. I have so far to go, too. Teach me how to love this child, point her to You, and help heal her heart.

Deep sighs and sleep, for us both to wake to those mercies.