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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

the last couple of weeks have been a horrid. Our little Radish has begun---or at least the Lord is revealing it now---to eat non-food items. According to Poison Control, in relatively small doses it's no big deal. (sigh). So, although my baby is not in immediate harm's way, she is in danger. And I can't keep her safe and she thinks she can get away with things like this. And best of all, in her eyes, I am now a liar. What I tell my kids is eating things that aren't food is dangerous. You will get very sick. Etc. I would never want my kids to be in the hospital or hurting! EVER! But, seriously, I am in shock. Who knew something this serious would have no natural consequence? ugh. Honestly, I am fearful of not being able to protect her from herself, that her behavior would hurt/influence her siblings and that she isn't getting better. And I am angry. Not righteously. Sinfully angry at the disruption to the family, at her for her choices, and at, well, maybe even the Lord for not making it all go away. It is not right, but I'll tell you because we want to be authentic with you.

So tonight, I feel ill equipped and as though I want to run as far away from her and the issues and the pain that I can't take away.

far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, away.

but when my heart quiets in the eye of the storm, I take my sin to His throne. I am thankful for repentance, forgiveness and His mercies that are new every morning. I am reminded, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." He does not give up on us, ever. No matter what. Even when we reject Him, or push Him away or sin against Him. No matter the consequences or the discipline He needs to give us. He always hopes and always pursues. Thank you, Lord, for so tangibly loving me in my own attachment disorder with You. I have so far to go, too. Teach me how to love this child, point her to You, and help heal her heart.

Deep sighs and sleep, for us both to wake to those mercies.

9 comments:

Natalie said...

And just as He will never leave us or forsake us, we can never leave or forsake them...even though, dang it, there are too many moments when it would be so much easier.

Praying that God will encourage your heart today.

Love you!
Natalie

Simply Moms said...

exactly! what a wonderful example He gives us!!!

love you, too.

Kathy said...

My heart goes out to you...

kayder1996 said...

As awful as it sound, I'm sure you wish that her choices would lead her to a night of puking, not enough to really hurt her but enough to recognize how yucky that is. What about do a bit of reverse pyschology? Next time it happens you say to your other two in ear shot of said child "I'm guessing you're tired of so and so doing the wrong thing and getting Mama's attention for it. Since you've done the right thing and not put yucky stuff in your mouths, I have a treat for your mouths." and then you provide a few M and M's or other small treat. Just a thought... Press on, press on, you can love her even when she is unlovable.

Brie said...

hi! just a note to tell you i nominated Attaching Hearts for an award on my blog!

Thanks!

Texas Lisa said...

Wow. It is nice to find your blog. My son (adopted from foster care at age 5) is soooo hard to love and we have had him for three years. I sometimes wish I could go back and change my mind. The SW's did not tell us about RAD. They lied to us about his past and the past of his sister whom we also adopted at age 6. I am saddened everyday and have NO JOY in being his mother. I hate myself for that.

Simply Moms said...

Kayla-yep! totally. We did that the other night with my special candy cane popcorn because of what we had been subjected to all night.

Thanks, Brie! Feeling the love!

Texas Lisa-We are so sorry to hear of your struggles. We don't have all the answers, but certainly hope we can be a place of encouragement as you persevere. Please let us know if there is something specifically we can discuss or pray for you about.

Texas Lisa said...

Thanks. :)

Katy said...

Hugs to you as you struggle through this sadness with your baby girl, and praying for you!