Marriage

WAR on RAD battle #3-safe guard your marriage. We've talked about this before, but I cannot stress it enough. There has to be something there when they move out. Carve out time to be alone together no matter what. And no movies. No screens. Be face to face. Spend 15 minutes decompressing about RAD and then no more. Talk about dreams and goals and sweet memories. Affirm to each other your fear of God. I am not kidding. Seriously say out loud that you love Jesus and no matter what happens you will always obey. . .hat you will choose to work it out and stay married. The verbalization is good for you and good for the heart of your spouse.

I am not suggesting apathy towards RAD. . . I'm suggesting a direct focus of importance. Nothing else can have your attention if the primary earthly relationship is not being nurtured. You need time to laugh and rest and say "this matters." I know it's hard. I know sitters are horrible. I know you will pay for it tomorrow. But something happens when you are connected and have laughed together. You are better equipped to handle the cuh-RAZ-eeeeee that is sure to come. That would come if you went out or didn't.

Family Meetings

We were in a bit of stand still. Something had been revealed about the RADish. We didn't want to tell her outright but I also didn't know when it happened. I quickly realized she had done a slew of things recently and she didn't know what I was talking about. So how do I root out the issue while protecting the child that revealed it? I was afraid coming out and saying so-in-so said xyz, RADish would then use that as reason for anger and manipulation of so-in-so.

Dawn, being the ever fabulous sounding board/sanity maintainer, shared something invaluable from her daughter's healing. Family meetings. Sort of like your typical family meetings but with a different intent.

Here the family is gathered together and told that family meetings are a safe place to share anything that has been weighing on your heart. So, in the latest battle in the War on RAD, we did just that. We began by acknowledging that things have been more than stressful in the house and that we see a lot of individual conversations happening but things aren't really resolving. So, Daddy and Mommy thought it was best for all of us to share together in a safe place. Then we can all know what is going on, hold each other accountable and help root out sin from our family. (this makes a lot of sense to them right now because we are reading Numbers, God's holiness and removing sin from the camps of Israel). This way we can all help each other's hearts get bigger, trust Mommy and Daddy and be safe.

We said is there anything anyone would like to share? Has anyone said anything or done anything that hurt you or upset you? Oh, the flood gates. :( from all of my kids. It didn't start with the offense that started this, but that did come out. They have been carrying so much in their little hearts as we just go about life. It allowed them to confront the one that hurt them. If they stated it to us, we had them restate it directly to the person. X, it really made me feel scared when you ABC. We did not request repentance, but rather said something like, "That is horrible." or "I am so sorry you were carrying that in your heart for so long." If they weren't sure how to articulate it directly, we helped them form their sentences. This was especially important for our peacemaker who just wants to act like the stress in her life is okay and it will all be okay.

It allowed the verbal ones a calm place to articulate hurt without sarcasm or unkind tones. It allowed the peacemaking, quieter ones a quiet place of safety to share things they have been hiding or placating.

It was interesting because instantly we could see where the relational ties were and where deep wounds were lying. When someone stated their pain to another and there was a connection, the latter immediately repented and sought to make it right. If there wasn't, the response was more like, "uh-huh, yeah, I did that." with a deadpan face.

Eventually there was repentance and reconciliation all around. New words and strategies for when these situations arise again. All of the children said it was a great idea and made everyone feel protected and loved.

Most importantly, everything was out in the open. RADish couldn't manipulate, twist or oppress anyone after being "caught."

Yep, Dawn's brilliant.

WAR on RAD

I haven't been sleeping lately. Our home is a mess of tension and stress. My PTSD girlie has been in a spiral and my RADish is in a full regression. Ok, not full, because God help us if we go back to the way things were when she first came home. But we are pretty close. I was laying in bed last night praying and I woke this morning with a new resolve. A quiet, firm whisper in my heart.

I am declaring WAR on RAD! Now, hear me. I am not declaring war on my child. But on RAD and what it is doing----what we've let it done--in our home and to our family. RAD is like a fortress around my daughter's heart. She loves her fortress and she will do anything, including sin against the people around her to not only stay in that fortress but to protect it. To protect the safety she thinks it is.

What her Daddy and I know, though, is that it is a prison. It is a cheap, less than second rate version of safety. It is isolating and troubling and full of horrible things. She won't be able to flourish until the fortress is destroyed.

With that visual, I instantly thought of things I need to do or change to get my game face on, so to speak.

Number one top priority: Get the whole family involved.

In our home, we haven't stressed the label of RAD. We talked about it once and for weeks she would play victim to her history and not take responsibility for her actions. So we talk about her actions and feelings and heart. It seems to work well.

We got the whole family on board in helping sister's heart grow. Sister's heart is very small right now (or balloon analogy or something) but we know that it can get big and strong. Sometimes she thinks that she needs to choose sin and try and be in control. The best way you can help her is to use your words to tell her how you feel and not hide any wrong choices from Mommy. We need to know what's going on to make sure everyone is safe and to help everyone get stronger and healthier.

We are acknowledging that there is tension verbally, having everyone combat the sin in our home and giving those that are weaker in the home a voice. We cannot survive our days with RAD and be alive at the end of it. We have to improve, get healthier and strive to be a unit no matter how hard RAD tries to divide us.

War on RAD--everyone knows their words and actions to deal with behaviors from RAD

RADtastic normal we never thought we'd live---tattling is not only okay, it is encouraged.

Why I Don't Like My Child

Interesting article / story.

Mint Chocolate Chip Drip on Marble Slab