Saturday, August 17, 2013

Like an Elephant

What to expect when you show your child video footage of themselves prior to your adopting them?

Footage that exposes it all.

Well, not all.  

But enough.

Orphanage footage.

If you are anything like our family you should expect a full blown out of control spiral.

Lots of pain and anger to process through.

She hasn't even identified the viewing yet as the core issue.

But it couldn't be more obvious.

Classic PTSD (alongside RAD).  Forgetting every single little concentration.  Irritability & angry outbursts.  Hyper vigilant.

Here is the trigger that she is as of yet unaware of.

While in the orphanage Girlie was made to perform.

For 4.5 years...every time  she wanted something from the caregivers...she performed.

Every time the adoption liaison arrived to video the children she was working hard to find families for...she would perform.

It's all on film.

It's absolutely ridiculous the way she was required to perform.  It's disgusting.

It makes me heartbroken for her.

We will not allow our daughter to walk in that mentality any longer.  Even so, she struggles with needing to perform at all times.  Still.  13 years home.

Since Day One we have encouraged her away from this bondage.

She is corrected and even disciplined when she chooses to walk in this temptation.

Well, long story short...seeing herself as a baby and a toddler...performing like a friggin monkey in a poor man's circus has done a number on her.  And ever since...she has been trying her hardest to perform...for everyone and anyone who will give her a glance.

She tried it with us.  But we were having none of it.  Moms, Dads, and siblings don't need to perform for one another.  In fact, it's insulting to think it necessary.  Offensive even.

And when you are dead set on performing and winning others over by your performances...let's say...wooing family friends...relatives...peers...neighbors...because if you don't you feel as if you could literally DIE...

...and that attempt at control is removed from you by the simple instruction...

"Do not speak unless you are spoken to."

...well...the entire world becomes a frightful place all over again and the need to control it threatens to overpower you.

The trigger in a nutshell.

It's like an elephant smack in the middle of the melt-down.