Friday, November 15, 2013

Heavy Hearted

When I started sharing transparently about our struggles on the Attachment Road...other struggling & hurting people began to arrive in my life.  Sometimes they were brought by friends.  Often times phone calls came in.  From all corners of the country.  I received  e-mails & letters.

I am a RAD expert if you define EXPERT as.... a mom battling this beast to the the trenches for the last 14 years.

Otherwise... I cannot offer insight. 

I have always tried to offer hope where I have found it.  In Christ.  

I am so heavy heavy heavy hearted for all the hurting families out there. 

I do not know this family.  I am sure they have a horrific story to tell.  A painful story.  It is very good that they did not abandon this child to the streets.

But...oh my Lord....the stateThe systemA nine year old boy.

cringe / cry

As I process this and similar stories...I ponder this question...

Biblically speaking...what are the options for families like this one?

As believers...we do know that the world's ways are not the Lord's ways.  
Thoughts?  Please use Scripture as your guide.


Simply Moms said...

TS: Deep breath.
If they raised this boy from infancy (3 months old), I'm not sure they can or should be allowed to lay his behavioral problems on the doorstep of adoption issues or RAD. Which, IMHO makes this worse. They have other children. If one of their biological children exhibits "behavioral issues", will they turn him over to the county?

A sheriff's report indicates the boy threatened to kill everyone in the house with a knife on Aug 9. The mother reported to the deputies her adopted son suffers with mental issues... (the boy) has been hospitalized for these disorders and has been to Children's Hospital in Cincinnati on several occasions."

Me: So so so tough.

TS: ^^^Yep. Which is why I hesitate to allow them to "blame" his problems on his adopted status and walk away. He's their kid. They are his parents. Now deal with the problems. And, just to be clear, I am certainly not discounting or minimizing the reality of hurting kids and hurting families.

Me: Whatever the issues...he is theirs.

(There were several other people involved at this point in the conversation...but I do not have their permission to post here)

Me: Call the cops on...institutionalize...yes. Terminate rights as believers...I have a hard time with that one. Although I understand the temptation.

Obviously the issue shifts when the child transitions into adulthood.


Simply Moms said...

I have been privately contacted by a Christian Mom parenting struggling kids(yes more than one.) Here is what she had to say...

Mom: We had a foster daughter whose adoption did not complete due to similar issues of the story you posted. We did adopt her brother who is now approaching age 18 and has lived in res. Treatment for over a year. He has no desire to return home regardless that he won't be able to support himself as he flunked out of a GED program, is in his third year of 9th grade, and gets expelled from the program in Jan. Due to age and lack of finishing treatment. We visit and call often but he would prefer we terminate rights. Doing that would force the center to keep him longer and he would qualify for more services but we just can't do it.

Me: yes so tragic. I just don't think I would be able to terminate.

Mom: I just can't and I told him so. I told him, "I refuse to believe you don't want us to love you because love is blind and I do love you no matter what." Pathetic I know, but I am hoping it will sink in. Due to RAD, he thinks more highly of the group home residents and transient houseparents than our family who adopted him many years ago and poured ourselves into helping him.

Me: :( I'm thinking it's Biblical to maintain parental rights until they are legal adults. Maybe I am wrong...but that is what seems right.

Mom: Yes. I think so too. At that point he is on his own but if for some reason he comes to the bottom of the pig pen and remembers what he had, he will have parents to come to.

Me: And if must be treated as an adoption. Believers who choose to place their kids in another home must provide a believing home.

Mom: Yes.

Me: As far as parenting a troubled child difference whether he/she is bio or adopted...obviously. Exhausting all resources to do so.

Mom: True

Me: so so so hard.

Mom: Very. Over all, if you share about us, please share that God's grace is sufficient and the deeper the trial the more grace He supplies. The stronger faith He gives for the scarier journey. Even though this is a gut wrenching reality and I often cry about it, I can say that daily I am able to live life with normalcy and joy despite the trial. This is due to the fact that He gives more grace the heavier the burden. Last, if we are called to love as Christ loved, then we must be willing to suffer as He did in order to love. Ouch but true. We must do it for the joy set before us as he did. Not focusing on the pain.


Simply Moms said...

She added...

Mom: BTW. the son in residential treatment had to be there because of something he did and DCF required us to put him there.


Simply Moms said...

This came in a private message from an agency owner & adoptive mother...


So many struggling families. Such a need for support.


There really is and the odd thing is when the social workers come out rarely do they ever say anything.....we get reports ....he is happy healthy engaging, socially exploring, doing great in school etc. They won't speak. So in the window of opportunity with the social worker....they won't say it

On countries that don't have Post adoption requirements we require it. People get angry with us because they think it isn't useful. Social workers need to also ask the right questions too.

I feel so sad for the child and family in this

and this is another very interesting thing.....if it is still under the active case of an adoption agency and something happens, it is the agency fault....if it is past the time that the agency is monitoring.....then it is the family's fault. We read each and every report that comes in. If there is something concerning we call. we've had a few families fall apart and need help, and we are there, sadly I don't think all are there, especially for the life of the adoption which is to the end.....whenever that may be.

There needs to be a better respite program out there.

Simply Moms said...

and she added...

Mom: We also need physicians that understand the whole brain chemistry and natural medicine and how to regulate brain chemicals. It is all so multifaceted and complicated. Physicians want to fix broken children with pills. It just doesn't work.

Simply Moms said...

and she added...

We need so many things to make families whole...I even told ---- this morning...that she hurt me with her actions, that if she had done that to someone else, they wouldn't understand it like I do and she could face losing people in her life if she didn't get a handle on her actions. She has begun to spontaneously apologize and hug and I'm seeing great changes in her.....and I'm attempting every time to do everything without emotion because I think this is where people fail. They just take it personally when it may be directed at a person at the time, it isn't about that at all. It is about the brokenness of that child, the attachment profile of that parent, and the brain chemistry of both.

Sometimes when you try to dance in of you has two left feet. someone always gets stepped on.....but you have to still keep dancing.

Simply Moms said...

and she added...

when we took that tbri class, they wouldn't let us take it without having our own attachment assessment, as they said we couldn't help anyone until we could understand ourselves....we also had the brain chemistry analysis long before the classes. We were all stressed out and messed up as social service providers. I'm thankful they are seeing the necessity to provide that training to us too.

Simply Moms said...

and she added...

And.....some parents aren't as attached as they may think....and have drug that into a already damaged situation. So testing the parents attachment will help them to understand how they need to work better with the child. I so wish you and Cate could go there to train with her and staff. That would be the most amazing thing ever. There were lots of hurting parents there as well. Many of them Romanian and Russian parents.

Simply Moms said...

@mom above, We did in one of our trainings (or something similar) and also heard Karyn Purvis talk on it. It was super helpful to be aware of the strengths and weaknesses in our own parental relationships and our tendencies as we parented kids from hard places.

Sometimes I think too much emphasis is placed on the parents needing to work things out in their own lives (more secular psych stuff) Like if you were whole, they wouldn't struggle. But I definitely think it plays a bigger role than many think.


Simply Moms said...

I wish there was a way I could reply to an individual comment. grr. Anyway, per the second convo------ that is why I think it is so vital to speak the gospel and truth to their hearts all. the. time. Every time they mess up.

e.g. It is okay that you don't know if you love Mommy, but you have to know that Mommy loves you. No matter what you do or where you go you can't make me stop loving you and wanting God's best for you.