Tuesday, September 23, 2008


I rock my children, 2 ways. I don't do them every day, but probably should.
1-One at a time, I give them a Milk Dud-note to self, buy more Milk Duds- and snuggle them into my arms like a little baby. Their job is to not touch it with their fingers (you want the sweetness to linger) and look in Mommy's eyes. I then tell them, "You are precious. You are loved. You are chosen. You are beautiful. You are sweet. You are loving. I love your laugh. I love your big brown eyes. I love to snuggle you. I love being your Mommy. Jesus loves you. You are the apple of His eye. He formed you in the womb. He has a plan for your life. I know you waited a long time. I know things were not easy. I know you were scared and sad sometimes. But now you are home forever. I am so happy you are here. And God will use all of it. You will have a beautiful story to tell one day. I love you."

2-I give them a sippy cup or bottle of vanilla milk. Their job is to look at Mommy's eyes and let Mommy hold the cup. I look in her eyes and tell her her story. "A long time ago, Jesus told Mommy I was to have a baby girl. Mommy and Daddy prayed and learned you were waiting for us in Haiti. I looked on my computer and saw this beautiful picture........"

I have done this regularly for 9 months now. I gaze at them lovingly, smiling as I talk to them. After all of this time, just the other day, Radtastic looked at me in absolute shock and said, "Oh, Mommy is smiling at me." I am not sure how to even respond to this. It is hard because it seems like everything I do to build attachment is thrown against a brick wall. It is also jarring. What kind of fog is she living in if she is not aware of these simple moments. It is also a bit promising. A moment of breakthrough. I say a bit because it is so discouraging to work and work and work for essentially nothing. It is the readjustment of expectations. It is another realization of the delay. But I don't let my thoughts show. I gird up my loins for the long haul, smile sweetly and say, "yes, honey, Mommy smiles at you because I love you."


Brenda said...

Hmmm. One of life sweet moments that encourage us to keep going.

Unspeakable Joy said...

wow, i really feel your struggle between disappointment and encouragement and changing expectations. you keep it up though, seems like you're sure doing a great job!!!

andykiara said...

Oh, Cate. I will be praying for more of those moments for you, and for all of us. That readjustment of expectations is SO hard.

FaerieMama said...

Way to make a visitor cry! lol. I found your blog via Brenda's, and I am sooooo glad I did. I'm raising a beautiful daughter with RAD, and my morning and night time ritual is much like what you describe, but I could never put it so beautifully. Thank you so much for sharing it! Gotta go get a tissue now!

Simply Moms said...

Thank you, guys. I am fumbling towards the Throne, just like everyone else!
Welcome, faeriemama! We hope we can be a place of encouragement to you!