Watermark Love

"I Like That" Answers

I have been saying, "Oh, it sounds like you are having a hard time trusting Mommy. Do you want to try again? " Then she will usually give some other version of what she just said. I then respond, "Oops. Try again. Mommy knows what you want. Mommy wants to take care of you. When you need something, you can ask me." I will also, depending on how often it has happened THAT day, sometimes add something like 'if mommy says no, I still love you.' Unfortunately, if she does gather the courage to ask, it usually scares her into a crazy afternoon. But we have to keep trying to give her the socially appropriate and trusting answers.
Cate
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I'm a bit firmer w/my girlie. Most likely due to the fact that I have been at this for going on eight years now :)

Our conversations go something like this:

Girlie: Random untrusting comment.......such and such about so and so and this and that.........

Me: I do not answer comments like that....especially when they are made with no eye contact. Please, go in the other room and think about things until you are able to treat me like the loving mother I am, have proven myself to be over the last eight some odd years and will forever be to you."

I sometimes add..."The Lord chose your mom and dad. He knew we were the perfect family for one another. If you do not trust us....could it be that you are really having an issue w/Him...the One who loves you even more than we do?" (then)
"That's a lot of love."


The good news: She's usually back w/in a minute or two....expressing her needs and trusting me to meet them. Hugs and kisses afterwards to seal the deal.
Dawn

Textbook-detail

Okay, so I was thinking this morning we don't really know where all of you are at. Maybe you are in the thick of it and when we say "textbook" you say, "um, yeah, had one this morning." But maybe you are in the process of adopting and learning or have a little one home and are curious as to whether or not what you are struggling with is attachment or not. We will try and post more discussion about what some of the things listed to the right look like. Also, if you have questions, please do not hesitate to comment or email us and we'll talk about them-at least from our experience.

Okay, so textbook responses look like the following:
My husband and I left our girls with our closest friends for 4 hours to go to a meeting. This is a home they are in regularly, are intimates with their children and comfortable in. 2 of our children missed us and asked things like, "when is mommy coming?" or "where is mommy?" or "I want my mommy." Our attachment girlie asked, "Are you my mommy or is my mommy my mommy?"
I am thankful for these moments because they remind me how far we have to go. It is not something I would see/hear about if they never had the experience away.


Example #2:
All three children were caught having given a large teddy bear a haircut. When questioned individually, 2 said things like 'because I wanted to' or 'he needed a cut.' Attachment Girlie said, "because Daddy wasn't watching."

Example #3:
Mommy is eating vanilla pudding. Typical response from child, "oooo, Mommy, may I have pudding, too, please?" Attachment Girlie, "Are you eating pudding? I like pudding. Pudding is good." But will NOT ask for pudding.

Typical

Thank you, Lord, for textbook behavior from our children. Thank you that though they are struggling emotionally and socially, we can so clearly see their behavior. Thank you that their lies are crazy and their responses are nutty. Thank you that in these textbook behaviors we can be affirmed that it's not just "kid behavior" or "like everyone else's kid." It is a hard road, but today I am thankful for this little reminder.

Sent in by a reader. A little ruffled love for our week-end :)

Photo Update

The following is a response I recently made to a post on a fellow blogger's site.

It reminded me of Cate's thoughts a few days ago.
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We began photographing/videoing the melt downs. Our girlie was horrified to think that others might someday see the her that we get to see.

I told her that without doubt.... I needed to document the tantrums....because one day her therapist might be interested to have a visual aid, or her future husband (Lord BLESS him!) might like to see what he might be getting himself into......or that Daddy would definitely be interested when he got home from work...or that just for Mommies sanity...I needed to share with a girlfriend so that I could get advice on whether or not I was overreacting to the constant center-of-attention, disruptive, fits of rage, and foaming at the mouth episodes that monopolized the entire family and kept me away from my four other children?????!?!?!

It didn't take long for those sorts of tantrums to lessen in intensity...and for the most part....cease to exist.

I believe she frightened herself into sobriety.

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And the best part is that we haven't photographed or videoed in quite a long while....because the need has disappeared.

It's 1:13...after lunch. I just heard my girlie apologize to her sister for ruining her birthday morning. She has repented without my verbal prodding.

We did travel down the consistent, loving, firm discipline road a few hours ago :) and the house has been quite quiet since. Lots of "thinking" going on.

This could've easily turned in to an all day affair....but comparatively speaking (compared to the living hell we have been thru on other occasions)........it was a short and sweet episode. Evidence of healing.

Tool Box

So.....after 8 years with us....my girlie has revealed much lately to her dear old parents.....who never had so much as a clue. Bottled up inside her petrified self preserving little heart has been the thought that simple household tools....like hammers and screwdrivers are actually torture devices. It seems she's been waiting for us to break them out in some manner other than what week-end chores call for.

We know a few things about her past....but had no idea that she has been afraid of the junk drawer and Papa's (Granddad's) garage since the day she came home. In her words...so recently and eloquently put....."Yeah, I kept thinking what the heck is he gonna do with those evil things?"

Now I try to remember back to those unexplained homework lesson melt down days and wonder if she might have been triggered by a visual perhaps? You know.....me hanging a picture on the wall....or a simple line drawing perhaps...... of a hammer in a phonics book or something as random as that? Who knew?

I do think the Lord reveals what we need to know when we need to know it. And I am thankful that He holds some things from us when He does. Wouldn't we just lay down and die if we knew it all?

Get Out the Camera!!!

In our worlds, we have taken pictures of our kids during fits. There are two reasons I think this is so necessary.
First, Dawn has used this well, and I followed her lead one day when my girlie wouldn't change her heart. I took a picture of her with one of her "looks." (you know THOSE looks. I think she saves them up just for me. :) She was so mad at the time, she didn't even care I was taking her pictures. But later, in a quiet moment, I showed her. She was horrified. I think it was the first picture of her where she wasn't cute, cuddly and happy. A mirror also works well. They are caught in the moment and don't have a concept of self-control, self-awareness or being others centered. I think it really helps them understand even a little bit!

The second is for you. I wanted to post this today because of an unexpected moment. I needed to delete some of my thousands of pics and videos from my computer. The need for more hard drive space was agitating. It is not how I wanted to spend my evening. But that irritant, as usual, was going to be used by the Lord. I found a video from the first week my daughter was home from the orphanage. I played it. and sat in shock. She was out of control. She looks like she needs ritalin. And A LOT of it. But as it played, my shock turned to a bit of calm. I though, "oh, she doesn't do that anymore. Or that. Oh, that I didn't see all day today." etc. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. She is growing. These steps are painfully small sometimes. But she is growing. So get out the camera. Now and in six months and in a year. During a calm moment and during a crazy cycle. It will help you feel like it's not all in vain.

this was sent in by one of our readers. . . a love note right in her backyard!

Affirmation

"Listen, O Daughter, consider and give ear:
Forget your people and your father's house.
The King is enthralled by your beauty:
Honor Him, for He is your Lord. Psalm 45:10-11"



your identity is not defined by your RADical child. You are a daughter of the King of kings, and He loves you!

Whole Heart

As I beg for my child's "whole heart"...I wonder if I have truly given the Lord mine?

"Blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me" (Luke 7:23).

It is sometimes very difficult not to be offended in Jesus Christ. The offenses may be circumstantial. I find myself in a prison-house -- a narrow sphere, a sick chamber, an unpopular position -- when I had hoped for wide opportunities. Yes, but He knows what is best for me. My environment is of His determining. He means it to intensify my faith, to draw me into nearer communion with Himself, to ripen my power. In the dungeon my soul should prosper. The offense may be mental. I am haunted by perplexities, questions, which I cannot solve. I had hoped that, when I gave myself to Him, my sky would always be clear; but often it is overspread by mist and cloud. Yet let me believe that, if difficulties remain, it is that I may learn to trust Him all the more implicitly -- to trust and not be afraid. Yes, and by my intellectual conflicts, I am trained to be a tutor to other storm-driven men.
The offense may be spiritual. I had fancied that within His fold I should never feel the biting winds of temptation; but it is best as it is. His grace is magnified. My own character is matured. His Heaven is sweeter at the close of the day. There I shall look back on the turnings and trials of the way, and shall sing the praises of my Guide. So, let come what will come, His will is welcome; and I shall refuse to be offended in my loving Lord. --Alexander Smellie

Blessed is he whose faith is not offended, When all around his way
The power of God is working out deliverance For others day by day;
Though in some prison drear his own soul languish,
Till life itself be spent,
Yet still can trust his Father's love and purpose,
And rest therein content.
Blessed is he, who through long years of suffering,
Cut off from active toil,
Still shares by prayer and praise the work of others,
And thus "divides the spoil."
Blessed are thou, O child of God, who sufferest, And canst not understand
The reason for thy pain, yet gladly leavest
Thy life in His blest Hand.
Yea, blessed art thou whose faith is "not offended"
By trials unexplained,
By mysteries unsolved, past understanding,
Until the goal is gained. --Freda Hanbury Allen