Okay, so I was thinking this morning we don't really know where all of you are at. Maybe you are in the thick of it and when we say "textbook" you say, "um, yeah, had one this morning." But maybe you are in the process of adopting and learning or have a little one home and are curious as to whether or not what you are struggling with is attachment or not. We will try and post more discussion about what some of the things listed to the right look like. Also, if you have questions, please do not hesitate to comment or email us and we'll talk about them-at least from our experience.
Okay, so textbook responses look like the following:
My husband and I left our girls with our closest friends for 4 hours to go to a meeting. This is a home they are in regularly, are intimates with their children and comfortable in. 2 of our children missed us and asked things like, "when is mommy coming?" or "where is mommy?" or "I want my mommy." Our attachment girlie asked, "Are you my mommy or is my mommy my mommy?"
I am thankful for these moments because they remind me how far we have to go. It is not something I would see/hear about if they never had the experience away.
Example #2:
All three children were caught having given a large teddy bear a haircut. When questioned individually, 2 said things like 'because I wanted to' or 'he needed a cut.' Attachment Girlie said, "because Daddy wasn't watching."
Example #3:
Mommy is eating vanilla pudding. Typical response from child, "oooo, Mommy, may I have pudding, too, please?" Attachment Girlie, "Are you eating pudding? I like pudding. Pudding is good." But will NOT ask for pudding.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Textbook-detail
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17 comments:
At least she admitted to giving the haircut rather than standing there with scissors in her hand saying it couldn't be her.
thanks for posting your textbook examples. they remind me that i'm not alone in all of this, and other's are experiencing the same behaviors!
the third example - regarding never asking for something, but continuously commenting on something. why do they do this?? my rad does this constantly, and drives my husband and i insane - any insight? thanks!
Oh my gosh! Like a zillion times! "What's that you're eating?" "I like _____." "I wish I had ______."
It's become a joke in the family. Another child comes in and says, "What's that you're eating," then laughingly goes through the script.
Kathy-yes, the lies are crazy but she USUALLY confesses quickly. Thankfully. And they rarely act alone. So the other 2 usually rat her out. ;)
Brie-We'll compile our strategies and post them tomorrow.
Ang-yes!! That is exactly what I was talking about last week. Don't you feel a bit less crazy that everyone says the same thing?? It is comforting to me when my girlie says something like that and everyone else jumps in and says, Why do they do that? Or mine has her own little script, too! Glad you can keep a sense of humor!!
I'm not a mom, but I came across this blog and had to laugh. Because God has sent me hearts. I just wrote a recent blog about it. It's called, "The Beats." Read it, maybe you can relate!
http://www.sheenachristine.blogspot.com/
Just a moment ago, this happened.
Kid: "You guys are going to Books-a-Million?"
Me: "I'm not. _______ is while I'm next door at a meeting."
Kid stands there. Keeps standing there. Finally opens her mouth and says.....
"I wish I had a book from books-a-million."!!!!!!!!!!
Here's a scenario.
You're at the circus. Barnum & Bailey's all three rings. In one circle, elephants are doing back handsprings. In another circle, a trapeze artist is swinging and juggling fire batons all at once. In the third ring, clowns have erupted into a free-for-all fight, red noses and 3-foot shoes flying all over the place. All your children are staring with their mouths open that this can all be happening. Except there is the one kid, who will notice none of it. All because one row down and three to the left, someone is tearing off handfuls of cotton candy and putting it in their mouth. This kid's mouth hangs open for a completely different reason.
p.s. I wish I had cotton candy.
I agree! Example #3 is classic with our 2 foster kiddos. We respond with comments like, "Hmmmmm...." or "That's nice" or "Me, too!" (not mocking, just acknowledging what they said). They will eventually ask for what they need if prompted or once they remember that we will just wait until they ask for what they need/want. Is that an okay response? Does that mean lesser attachment issues since they eventually ask? Or does it just mean they are learning to survive in our home? :)
angelia: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even though it's not funny....in a funny sort of way. I would have gone CRAZY w/out your transparency early on.
Dawn
Kaira,
I know a few adults w/RAD issues. They would rather die than ask for their needs to be met. Every single thing they do is a test. Do they or don't they love me? I will not make my needs known....but when they disappoint me....because my unexpressed needs have not been met....which they eventually will do....I am justified in my worldview that I can trust nobody but myself.
This is the ultimate sign of distrust. Sin speaking this equals....PRIDE.
I can do it on my own. I will pull myself up by my own bootstraps etc. That is the M.O. of an adult/child w/RAD.
I can't help but to think that it is a good sign when a person struggling with attachment issues opens their heart up enough to ask. They are putting themselves on the line.
Unless of course....they've learned how to manipulate the system and their heart really isn't in it.
And, who knows our hearts, but the Lord?
As Christ followers, we must respond to the unverbalized needs and verbalized needs of RAD individuals with Christ's love.
He meets the needs and speaks the TRUTH in LOVE.
When we fail....which we do often....the Spirit brings us to a place of repentance.
Dawn
Here's the test before us....
Define Love.
Thank you for your reply, Dawn. Great points for me to think on more.
Although there are many red flags in general, I can't help but see it as a positive sign that the older one does ask for what he needs. He just needs SO much -- reassurance, constant affection, etc. But I need to remember that it's a big deal that he asks, and I need to handle him with grace and love even when it's driving me crazy. When parenting hurting children, it often feels like their love banks have major holes in the bottom. But our job is still to fill them, love them, pray for them, and teach them. May God give us all wisdom, patience, and much grace! And may He begin to fill in those holes....
Kiara
I do think it is good that they ask. Even if it is a survival technique. It is more socially appropriate than manipulating, stealing, etc.
I also think it is important to know who they are seeking out to meet those needs in identifying where their hearts are at.
C
Dawn,
defining love...
I've always cherished Tim Kimmel's definition...
Love is the committment of my will to your needs and best interest regardless of the cost.
:)Julie
That's a great definition, Julie.
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