We also talk about how that smile, laugh, kiss or action was pretend. (You cannot force a true reaction but you can discourage the fake one.) I will talk about how I love their real smiles, etc. and that they don't need to pretend. If they are using that pretend gesture to seek attention from a friend or relative, I will say, XX loves you because you are you. You don't need to make a pretend laugh with her. Depending on the intimacy of the relationship, it is great to be able to try again in the moment. Auntie, XX was pretending to laugh to get your attention. She wants to try again.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Center of Attention Verbage-Pt 4
Posted by Simply Moms at 6:40 AM
Labels: Cate, ideas to build attachment
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5 comments:
I love that! Such a practical way to 'start over' and learn from the experience. Thank you for taking the time to share with us. :)
Advice, please....last night we went to our home fellowship group. At the end, XXX went on an attention kick. I was having a conversation with a new friend (we're new to the group), when XXX got right between us and looked up at the lady with eyes that shouted, "I'm so cute, give me attention." Obediently, the friend cupped her face in her hands, while I gave XXX a look of my own. It didn't end there...she kept trying to divert things to her.
How do I deal with this openly while not appearing to be a witch in the new group?
As a teacher, when kids do that while I am talking to an adult, I say "When two grown ups are talking, you need to wait until they are finished. You will know when I'm finished talking to my friend when I look at you. Wait right here until I look at you; then you can tell me what you need." Then I talk a bit more and look expressly at the kid who wants my attention. I don't know how that would work with your kiddo but that's what I do, I try to focus on the teaching part of the discipline. I don't know about the friend cupping her hands in her face part...that's hard.
A kind tone goes a long way. Even if you have to share something serious, people will not think it harsh if they hear the love in your voice. "Oh, just a minute." or "Honey, you are interrupting." until you can talk to her privately.
Hopefully, you'll soon feel comfortable in your new group to share something general. "Sweetums is still learning what is appropriate/what it means to be safe in a family. A great way to come alongside us is to not acknowledge her when she tries to get your attention like this."
Sorry it's taken so long for me to respond. We've been up to our eyeballs over here.
We have taught our kids to quietly approach and touch our arm when they want us and we are busy. They are to wait patiently until we respond. They are making their needs/desires known. We are aware of it. They are learning to be patient and honor others. We meet their needs/desires when we feel it is appropriate.
We began disciplining the attention getting behaviors of our girlie when it became obvious how manipulative it was. We set boundaries with our friends/aquaintances. When those boundaries were honored....we remained in contact. When they were ignored....we removed ourselves and our girlie from the temptations/inappropriate behaviors they led to.
We do not concern ourselves too much with what others think of our requests. We try our best to explain in love what we have lived and are living through....and trust that the Lord will surround us with the support system He sees fit.
We gave our girlie the words to help her to navigate early on. Words like, "Mommy, may I hug her/him?" Daddy, may she/he hug me?" "You may give me a high-five." "I will blow you a kiss." " My mommy and daddy said, no...I may not hug / you kiss you ." etc.
Say whatever it is you need to say in love. You will not be looked at as a witch....but a loving and concerned mother.
And even if you are misunderstood......by some.....there are others who do understand.
I pray that the Lord crosses your path with those who understand.
Dawn
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