Vacation

Not a vacation from parenting your child...but a vacation from the drama which sometimes surrounds your child.    A short break.  Respit/e if you will.

Try this:

Focus on the children in the home who are making healthy and appropriate choices.  

Do not correct or discipline poor choices from the one who is resisting/pushing away/struggling.  

Acknowledge the poor choice to the rest of the family..."Yes, Soandso is doing something very inappropriate right now. Isn't that sad?"  But no correction.  No discipline.   If you made that same choice....you would be disciplined....but right now, Mommy and Daddy and you guys (siblings) are on vacation from the drama of Soandso.  So, let's go in the other room and do something fun!  

Play with the ones who are doing well.  Affirm them.  Praise them.  Give them the attention that is often robbed from them...the attention they desperately need and deserve.  

When Soandso asks to join in the fun....by all means...include her/him but don't initiate.  The goal is to have him/her realize that the sun does not rise and set on their drama......and to spark a desire in her/his heart to play....and join in.  

Tell all of your children the plan.  We are leaving the house to go to Costco in one hour.  We need to get ourselves ready.  Brush teeth, fix hair, get everyone dressed...all set to go.  Soandso gets zero attention due to the fact that she/he usually bucks the system and causes a scene at times like this.  You are on vacation from the drama.  When on vacation....you do not need to be rejected and turned away at every opportunity.  Siblings do not need to center their lives around power plays and center of attention behavior.  If Soandso is not ready by the time the family climbs into the minivan....they get to go warehouse shopping in their p.j.'s with bedhead.  On the other hand, if he/she asks for help in getting ready....give it....by all means.   No drama.  

If drama erupts....address how inappropriate it is to the others who are watching and walk away.    

Always meet the expressed needs (if they are appropriate) of Soandso. 

 "I'm hungry."..............  "Oh, Darling.........here's some delicious food." 

 "I'm tired."..................  Okay, Love.......time for your warm cozy bed.  

If Soandso never says  "I'm hungry"...provide food anyway.  If Soandso never says, "I'm tired and I want to go to bed".....leave them where they are.  Worse comes to worse...they collapse on the living room floor and sleep near the t.v.  

We all did that growing up.....didn't we?  When we were on vacation....camped out on the floor safe and secure....surrounded by a large family who loved us :)

Now, at some point in time....we must return from our vacations....and discipline our children because we love them.  But I do believe that vacations refresh our souls and the souls of those we travel with...and that each one brings with it experiences, insights,  and lessons learned to carry us into our futures.  

We are still pursuing our children when we are on vacation....just in a different way.  Make sure they know you and the rest of the family are taking a much needed vacation from their drama and be sure to teach them the lesson that each and every one of us tries to avoid but must learn eventually.  All vacations must come to an end because life in the real world is waiting.  

 

God <3s U

My Boundary Letter

We couldn't find any type of example letter about setting boundaries before a child comes home. So, we wrote our own. I've removed all of the personal information. Feel free to use it to establish boundaries within your relationships or find wording to share with those that want to help your kids and family through this challenging time.


Dear loved ones,
If you can believe it, the time is finally here!! The precious children God has chosen before the beginning of time to be in our family are finally coming home. We know that each of you receiving this letter have in some way supported, loved or prayed for us. Because we know your care for our children and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip those that will be around them to assist them in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation emotionally, physically and spiritually.

In many ways, we will be just like families created biologically, and we will parent like other families as we bring our children up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord. But in many ways we will need to parent them unlike what you may have seen or experienced. For years now, we have studied bonding and attachment in children, especially those coming home through adoption.

Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a child has a physical or emotional need, communicates that need, the primary caretaker (usually mom) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a biological mother and child over and over to create trust within a child for that caretaker. (Baby is hungry, baby screams in distress, mom comes, meets the need, calms the child, baby learns that mom is safe and can be trusted) If you are a parent, you do not realize you are doing this special dance…. it is innate in a mother’s heart. But when this happens naturally, you are actually beginning, even with a tiny baby, to lay an emotional foundation in her heart that will affect her learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. A child that comes home through adoption (or a biological child that has experienced trauma) may have experienced interruptions to attachment. Each loss (of a birthmother, long hospital stays, death of a parent, divorce, abuse, leaving homes, changes in orphanage/foster homes, culture, language, etc) is a trauma on their little hearts. Many things affect the degree to which these traumas affect a child and not all children will have attachment issues. But it is best to be prepared as though they do.

The good news is that we can now as their parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help them heal from these traumas. When the kids come home, they will be disoriented. Everything around them will be new, and they will need to learn not just about their new environment but also about what love and family are. The best way is for us, as their parents, to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed them. As this repeats between us, they are able to learn that parents are safe to love and to love deeply. The foundation like that of an infant will begin to form. Once they start to establish this long process, they will then be able to branch out to other relationships.

They will have what may seem like a lot of structure, boundaries and proximity to us. Please know that our decisions and parenting motivations are not fear-based parenting or a desire to overly control our children. They are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based out of lots of research. We will be doing what we know is the best way to help them heal from those interruptions in attachment as rapidly as possible. Our hope is that our hard work will allow for us to reduce the amount of structure they need soon.

Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our children settle in, heal and lay a foundation for the future. There are three main areas in which you can help us. The first is to set boundaries. It will help us immensely, if you do not initiate physical contact with them. This would include things like hugging, kissing, lap sitting, holding, touching of hair and long eye gazes. If you feel led to welcome us home at the airport, for instance, waving, blowing kisses or high fives would be appropriate. Such boundaries will help them understand that we are their interpreters of loss and providers of a stable, consistent environment worthy of being trusted.

The second area is redirecting their desire to have their emotional and physical needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having (my husband) or me meet them. A child struggling to learn to attach, may exhibit indiscriminate affection or what can be perceived as charming behavior to adults outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly” but that is actually dangerous for the child. The following is difficult for me because I have snuggled, cared for and loved so many of your children. Please understand that if we have to tell them something like. "Honey, you may not hug Mrs. Smith" or "I am your Mommy, come sit on my lap." That it is not anything personal against you, it is just us teaching them about family, appropriate boundaries and behavior. Until they have that understanding, if the children approach you, please redirect them back to us. You can say things like,

Oh, there’s your mom right there (and point them to us) or
Your daddy is ready to snuggle you or
You are a nice child and you are my friend, but I am not your mommy. Your mommy is over there or
You are my friend, so you may sit next to me, but not on my lap or
Your Daddy can help you wind that toy.

The last area is language. Our conspicuous family will be uncommon in our geographical area and has already been challenged by well-intentioned strangers. We absolutely understand that most of what we are asked or receive comments on is not a deliberate lack of sensitivity. It is usually more often than not a lack of familiarity with adoption. It will be great for the girls to have as many people around them as possible that are using appropriate adoption/family language!! You may be surprised by some of the questions below, but they are things we have actually been asked or friends that have adopted have been asked. We are sharing our “answers” so that you will know the words we use in our family and for you to help us educate people around us.

Hurtful Questions vs. Helpful Terminology
How did you get them?? They came home through adoption
What happened to their real parents?/Are they really yours? /You must be the nanny. Etc.? We are their real mom, dad, parents as chosen before time by our Sovereign God. (We will not be sharing their history with others)
Using words like trans- or Bi-racial.  Instead we use Multiethnic or multi cultural Family (we are all from the same race of Adam and Eve. The expression of skin pigment does not separate our heritage)
Are they real siblings?? They are siblings. (think of the last time you had to answer that question about your biological children)
Why were they put up for adoption?? Birth parents chose an adoption plan for their children for various reasons
Will you have your own children?? These children are our real/own children
How much did she cost? A child is precious and priceless. Legal fees and paperwork costs are incurred in adoption
Where did you get her from? Are you wondering what her heritage is? She came home from (country/state)

We are so blessed to have so many supporters around us. Thank you for all you have done and will do to help our children be all God has created them to be. If you have questions, please feel free to ask. We are full of grace, happy to explain and will be quick to forgive. If you are uncomfortable asking us anything directly, please feel free to contact (our friend/therapist, if available) well versed in attachment or Google attachment in adoption online.

In Christ’s Love,
XXX

P.S. For those of you that have asked what you can get for the children, no home coming gifts are necessary. But if you can’t help yourselves (as we know some of you will not accept this ☺ ) We would like to have the children be a part of building their new wardrobe. If you would like, gift cards to the Mall are great.

The following hand-me-downs would be so appreciated, too!
~XXXXX

Intentionally Blinded

When Girlie #1 came home....we knew NOTHING about attachment issues.  For about a year...we were obliviously parenting as if we parenting our bio kids...no difference.  We assumed that given all the lovin' we were feeling for our new little one....we would be getting' some authentic lovin' in return.  I like to call this our "honeymoon" (overused but so apropos) period.  I believe that we were given these months to bond on a level (us to her) that we may not have...

...if we had known differently up front.

Looking back, it was a very stressful time....but we were protected from the level of the stress we were under and the enormity of stress we were about to come under.

For whatever reason....we were able to cuddle and receive cuddles (even if they were inauthentic) w/out having every move feel like it was under a microscope....being dissected and analyzed.  We were relaxed...because we weren't looking for signs of trouble.

Eventually, all heck broke loose...or better yet....we became aware of the fact that all heck had already broken loose.

For our family...it was when Girlie  was able to fully communicate w/us in English.

The stories.

Fear & anger started spilling out.  Wounds.  So many wounds.   

Instinctually ...we started over w/her.

Back in pull-ups...bottle fed once a day....spoon fed...rocked in a rocking chair etc.  We pulled out of Sunday School.  We pulled out of Awana...tightening all non-intimate relationship reigns.

Soon after,  Girlie #2 arrived.  The second agency we went through required that we read The Weaver's Craft.  Girlie #2 benefited from what we were learning through our trials by wildfire...and for whatever reasons...had a much easier road to attachment...not without bumps but gratefully without bruises.  It was obvious to us from Day One...that she would not experience the same level of trouble her sister walks through.

I'm not convinced it's because of anything we did or didn't do differently.  Deep in my heart, I believe as parents we can do everything right  every time....and still have trouble in the attachment area.

And I also believe that our failures need not keep us in bondage if we handle them honestly and with repentance.  We are accountable for what we know when we know it.

Some kids attach easier than others.

Some parents attach easier to certain kids than others.

After we pulled in....tightened the intimate circle etc....we stayed there for quite a while.  A few years. It was during this lengthy lonely period of time....when I started searching  and researching.....opening up about what our family was experiencing.... and asking lots of questions.  

Wherever you are in the journey...He will meet you there.  And, even on the days (weeks/months/years) when He appears to be absent...He isn't.

If He has blinded your eyes for a season...and recently opened them....He had a purpose you are able to trust.

If you are wide awake and your eyes were fully opened going in...He has a purpose.

He is loving and He is good.  He is trustworthy.  

       

Boundaries

I love how Dawn urged readers to listen to the Lord's leading in this. It is very different for every family based on the relationships that are in your life. For us, we have many family members near us geographically. We chose to set tight boundaries from the very beginning so as not to overwhelm the children. 

We sent out a letter explaining attachment and why were setting these boundaries. We felt this was better for our situation than having to draw back boundaries if we saw issues arise. My husband and I were the only ones that fed, snuggled, cared for, bathed, changed, etc. our kids. After a few months, we allowed the girls to accept food or hugs from intimates if they asked. This included best friends, grandparents, aunts and uncles. This was a huge step because of our large family, it was allowing many people into that stage. Other people are allowed to receive high fives or waves. Some signs that they were attaching and ready for boundaries expanding were:

not needing to redirect them to us to meet their needs when other adults were around
coming to us when they were hurt or had a need (whether other adults were around or not)
not seeking the attention or affection of strangers
not needing to remind them to ask for hugs, etc

I think it is also important to remember that you might need to set different boundaries with different kids. We have three children home through adoption. One struggles with these things more than the other two. They have more "freedom" than she does. I cannot stunt the emotional development of some of my children because of her struggles. For one child, it might be okay if she sits on grandma's lap and reads a story. For another, such an action puts a wall between her and me. It is a set back. It is not appropriate for her. That is really hard to communicate to friends and family, but I think gently sharing the importance of how they are helping your child heal assists in that. They are ongoing conversations, but in the end, you have to do what is best for your child despite what others, even intimates, think about it.
let us know if you have further questions....

Our Vida Loca

I think my hubbie and I have gotten to the point of finding humor in life...more often than not. It's so much better than all the crying, yelling, carrying on and pouting etc.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Heck, who knows what the next few hours will bring?????? But...we are learning to enjoy this wild ride a bit more than we ever have.

Boundaries

POST UPDATE:  

As to the timing of when we released the reigns a bit....for us it was when the behavior was "more normal than not."  I'm not really sure how to describe normal for everyone.....other than to say....parents dealing with attachment issues know very well and are able to identify deep in their spirits what is not normal.  

I'll never forget the first  (non-parent) birthday party that Girlie was invited to.  I was a nervous wreck sending her off to a movie matinee w/ a few young friends and a mother other than me for 1 1/2hours....but she was ready to go (home for years)....needed to go....and I needed to see her go....and return.  The same holds true for dance lessons.  For years....I stayed in the room....observing, crocheting, chatting over lattes w/other moms...then....eventually....it became alright for me to drop off and pick up.  No biggie.

There was a time when both our girlies would approach any stranger to have their needs/desires met...random people at the park....the Costco checkout lady...anyone and everyone.  For some, this is a learned behavior developed in an institutionalized setting.  For others, it is an attachment issue.  Both require a renewing of the mind and redirection. When turning to/choosing/wooing/flirting with others was no longer the case....when our girlies habitually came to us...we learned to give a bit more freedom.  It is interesting to see what our kids will do with the freedom they are offered...and encouraging when they choose us over others.  

My advice....know your kids well...watch them carefully.  The Lord will show you when they are ready to venture out of the nest.  

Lasting thought:

Test it.  How will you ever know where your kids are truly at....unless you test it?  If it becomes obvious that they are not ready....so be it.  If they are ready?  YAHOO YIPPEE!  Growth :)

_______________________

For our family, there were people who were definitely without-a-doubt going to be intimates from Day One. Siblings and one set of grandparents for sure. We have adopted twice and if we had to do it over again....we would include all siblings and this set of grandparents as immediate trial by fire "intimates." Immediate meaning....directly off the airplane. This set of grandparents is a hands on daily support. That is life as we know it and our girlies learned to operate within that framework. 

It helped greatly that his set of grandparents were super supportive and directed Girlies to us....when attachment issues became apparent.


We have no problem with siblings meeting needs and being closerthanclosepersonalintimates.

Close friends...I have only one who is "very" close and she was given freedom somewhat early on to be an intimate.

All others are peripheral and extended....somewhat awkward..... but not apologetically so :)

It took us a while to learn....but once we did....we had ZERO problem articulating to others (in love) and to our girlies..."You are not intimates....intimate behavior is not appropriate for you with this person at this point in time."

Each family is different and the Lord leads each one in different ways. Listen to His direction.

He will not lead you astray.

Rice Krispy Love

Happy New Year

Well, we've had a wild time of it over the last ten days or so. It became apparent that Girlie was in need of a reality check. It came in the form of discussing what life is like for Russian orphans who never find a family. Hard, HARD discussions. Real discussions. Authentic and brutally honest discussions...which culminated in a youtube search on the subject. There are many, many uploads to view....which we did (previewed by me.) She sat on my lap...with me cuddling her and she and I digested the despair of the situation so many beautiful children find themselves in due to circumstances not of their own choosing. Sobering. Very sobering. But true. Girlie needed to see the truth...in all it's ugliness. The TRUTH will set you free.

Girlie: So, there's something I've been wondering about (even though she's heard her story many, many times before)...am I a true orphan or a social orphan? (She finally had the words "social orphan" due to a news report we watched.)

Me: When you were admitted to the orphan house immediately after your birth...you were a social orphan. I do not know what became of your birth parents since that day. I do not know if they are still here on earth. But, I do know that now.....you are not an orphan at all...of any kind. You are our daughter.

Girlie was pensive....and subdued. Thoughtful. Softened, she almost whispered..."I am so happy you came and got me."

Many things were revealed to her little heart. Life would not be so grande and lovely in Russia for a child who lived in the system and then was rejected by the same system. Girlie is not weird and alone in her circumstances....there are millions. Girlie....being given a family and a home....that's a gift. A gift is given....by someone. The giver of her gift and our gift is the Lord...who is good.

So I knew there would be a whiplash moment...and sure enough....about a week later.....

....it came.

She had been doing great....and then....BAM....as if out of nowhere....WHIPLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two looooooooong days of constant big time WHIPLASH.

Within one 12 hour period of time....I heard, "I hate you!" from her for the first time ever...walked through a long discussion w/ Dad and Girlie about life's disappointments/frustrations/regrets/sin etc...offered and received repentance & forgiveness.......... and was asked by Girlie through a shaky voice if she could sleep between her parents. So, the three of us (Mom, Dad, and our 13 year old Girlie)....ended the whiplash cycle in the same bed...snuggled and cozy warm. Girlie needed to see the Truth....in all it's beauty. The TRUTH will set you free.


Praising the Lord....for the growth...for the new depth....for all the steps forward.

And asking Him for strength to ride out the next whiplash episode.