Wednesday, January 14, 2009



As to the timing of when we released the reigns a bit....for us it was when the behavior was "more normal than not."  I'm not really sure how to describe normal for everyone.....other than to say....parents dealing with attachment issues know very well and are able to identify deep in their spirits what is not normal.  

I'll never forget the first  (non-parent) birthday party that Girlie was invited to.  I was a nervous wreck sending her off to a movie matinee w/ a few young friends and a mother other than me for 1 1/2hours....but she was ready to go (home for years)....needed to go....and I needed to see her go....and return.  The same holds true for dance lessons.  For years....I stayed in the room....observing, crocheting, chatting over lattes w/other became alright for me to drop off and pick up.  No biggie.

There was a time when both our girlies would approach any stranger to have their needs/desires met...random people at the park....the Costco checkout lady...anyone and everyone.  For some, this is a learned behavior developed in an institutionalized setting.  For others, it is an attachment issue.  Both require a renewing of the mind and redirection. When turning to/choosing/wooing/flirting with others was no longer the case....when our girlies habitually came to us...we learned to give a bit more freedom.  It is interesting to see what our kids will do with the freedom they are offered...and encouraging when they choose us over others.  

My advice....know your kids them carefully.  The Lord will show you when they are ready to venture out of the nest.  

Lasting thought:

Test it.  How will you ever know where your kids are truly at....unless you test it?  If it becomes obvious that they are not be it.  If they are ready?  YAHOO YIPPEE!  Growth :)
For our family, there were people who were definitely without-a-doubt going to be intimates from Day One. Siblings and one set of grandparents for sure. We have adopted twice and if we had to do it over again....we would include all siblings and this set of grandparents as immediate trial by fire "intimates." Immediate meaning....directly off the airplane. This set of grandparents is a hands on daily support. That is life as we know it and our girlies learned to operate within that framework. 

It helped greatly that his set of grandparents were super supportive and directed Girlies to us....when attachment issues became apparent.

We have no problem with siblings meeting needs and being closerthanclosepersonalintimates.

Close friends...I have only one who is "very" close and she was given freedom somewhat early on to be an intimate.

All others are peripheral and extended....somewhat awkward..... but not apologetically so :)

It took us a while to learn....but once we did....we had ZERO problem articulating to others (in love) and to our girlies..."You are not intimates....intimate behavior is not appropriate for you with this person at this point in time."

Each family is different and the Lord leads each one in different ways. Listen to His direction.

He will not lead you astray.