Sunday, December 18, 2011

what i mean by "digging deeper"

What I mean by digging deeper. It goes something like this....

Parent: Why are you spiraling?

Child: I'm not spiraling.

Parent: Yes you are.

Child: I don't want to talk right now.

Parent: Well, that's not an option. Why do you think you're spiraling?

Child: Because he/she/it did so and so.

Parent: But you were spiraling before that. Remember earlier when such and such happened?

Child: This sucks! Just let me do my chores/homework/(code for...anything in the world other than going deeper.)

Parent: No. Your chores and your homework will be there when we are done. They are not going anywhere and neither am I. What's bothering you?

Child: I don't know.

Parent: Yes you do.

....................loooooooooooog pause.................(like an hour maybe)

Child: Well....I'm sorta upset about A.

Parent: I can see how you might be...but I don't think that's your core issue.

Child: What's my core issue then?

Parent: That's what you're trying to figure out. And, I'm trying to help you.

Child: I don't want your help.

Parent: Too bad. You got it.

..........................long pause................................( could be an hour long or longer)

Child: Well, mayyyyyyybeeeeeeeeee................... it's B.

Parent: Try again...I don't think so. Cause you were the reason B happened in the first place. You were the cause of B. Remember? We've already worked thru B.

Child: Oh yeah.

Parent: Try hard. Calm down and think about what you are feeling.

Child: I don't know what I am feeling.

Parent: Well, let's stand here talking about it together until you do. I have nothing going on that's more important than helping you figure it out.

About this point in time ( especially after you've done something similar a few dozen times) your child realizes you are not going anywhere...not it for the long haul...not moving an inch.

Eventually your child gets to a point where they can say something like this (with eye contact & authenticity)...

Child: I'm pissed off/upset about/angry/hurt/scared of this or that.

Parent: Now we're talkin'. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Then you get to work thru the issue together.

Hugs afterwards and move on.

If you've spent lots of time away from your other kids/spouse/housework etc. during this might want to have your child think of a way to make things right.

Most definitely...they should come to a place of recognition. They have been the center of attention & monopolized the household.

Hopefully repentance & forgiveness follows.

And, then restoration.


There is not an easy fix.

I talked about this same thing a while back. You can see that post here.


BeckyJoie said...

Thanks. I NEEDED this reminder. ;0

Andy and Kiara said...

Thank you, Dawn, for talking about this and showing concrete examples. This definitely helps as our kiddos get older. We are teaching these same recognition skills to our neuro-typical kiddos as our challenging/wounded kiddos, and I love (crave!) as many real-life examples as you and Cate can share. God bless!