Is it me?

I believe this piece speaks to the hearts of mom's and dad's and siblings and extended family and friends living with the reality of attachment struggles.

This

Oftentimes, the struggle reveals more about us than we'd like to think or admit to.

I've written about it before....somewhere down in the long list of posts over the years.

The bottom line....


.....Is it me?

Actually LOVE

This article.

And sometimes...us Christian parents/families dealing with attachment issues get into a rut...a bad rut.  A space where the reality of the difficulties before us overtakes the Lord's instructions to speak the truth in love.  To  actually love.


Unglodly habits are formed and hard to break.  And they are easy to justify. 

The bottom line...sometimes what others see as unloving...actually is loving. 

And sometimes...it actually isn't.  

Forgiveness

Forgiven people are forgiving people.

Matthew 6:14-15
Acts 3:19
Daniel 9:9

Play the Man

THIS ARTICLE

Going a step further....

Those inside the church who adopt have a responsibility to live humbly, transparently, and authentically within their communities.   JUST like every other member of Christ centered-communities.

People are watching.

They want to know how this supernatural thing known as adoption plays out in reality.  On a day to day basis.  Long term.

JUST like younger couples want to know how the heCk they are supposed to make it to their Silver or GOLD! Wedding Anniversaries without running out on or killing their spouses.

Or JUST like young parents want to know how to make it through difficult stages of parenting without pulling out their hair while losing their WHAT WERE WE THINKING????!?!??!?  minds.  

It is not okay to adopt...send out Christmas cards with smiling faces once a year and that's it.  

Sorry, adoptive parents.  If you have a problem with this...you might have some unresolved issues that need to be worked through.  

Share the joys.  Share the pain.  Share the challenges...the struggles...the failures.  Share the victories.  Share the fears.  Share the unexpected discoveries.  All for the glory of the Lord.

People are watching.

And you have information that they NEED to know.  Your siblings need to know.

(I'm sure you can find a way to share info in an honoring way.) 

You might not want the platform...but you've got it.


Play the man.

Removed Part 2

Forever Friend

I don't have much time these days.... it seems.... to write here on the blog as much as I used to.  But I do have time enough to link to pieces I find informative.

This is really good.

Somewhere down there in the posts is a post or a few posts where I discuss the importance of friendships/relationships/community.

Christians we are called to help carry one anothers' burdens.  This is one way we can do that.

We were asked to pray for the adopted child of  friends of ours.  More than the normal prayers we lift for the children of our friends...we were very intentionally ...invited into the delicacies of this particular story...with all of it's highs and lows ...twists...turns...stalls and and intimacies.   We will continue to love on this family and this child in any way we are able until the story is over.

And we hope that others are doing the same for our kids.

Be Kind To Yourself / Andrew Peterson

this video...

Do You Treat Your Neighbors Better Than You Treat Your Kids?

Our kids are our neighbors.   

Link

Let THAT sink in.

If you have failed in this area...God already knows.  Your spouse knows.  Your kids know and most likely...your neighbors know.

If they don't know...they have suspicions.  (They can hear the screaming.)

Repent.

Turn.

Pursue righteousness. 

Parents / Secondary Trauma

This article. 

Baby Wearing

This article.

Important for all mothers.  Especially important for adoptive mothers... if possible.

Reminded me of this post on Depression.  

PTSD as a result of RAD in the home

If "RAD" symptoms can be compiled into a common list of sinful reactions to early childhood neglect...and our sinful reactions to it can be compiled in a common list of manifestations ....

....maybe we all understand one another better than we think we do. 

PTSD in RAD parents.

Voddie (Experience ) & Wall Building

The Holy Spirit  repost.

Stay Abased

Sympathy & Empathy re-post. 

This stuff is important because when we are going through hard times...we want sympathy.  We want it desperately.

Decreasing into His Purpose

I was recently in the company of a gentleman who's parting words to those he met were..."stay abased."  

When we decrease and the Lord increases.  The goal.

Memes Memes and More Memes

Sometimes we need little reminders.  Memes are good for visual learners.  

 

Attention: Husbands

This devotional. 

I am reminded today that NOTHING can forfeit a child's right to a father's protection.

Hear!  Hear!  Fathers...you are to protect your children...even if you should meet with resistance from those in your own household.  

This is essential to our theology.

*  Note

Resistance will most likely come from your wives.   I know.  I am one.

We will be tempted to think unBiblical thoughts.  To implement unBiblical "remedies."

We (us wives)  will be tempted to place blame.  To finger point.  To live in fear.  To act in fear.  To harden our hearts.  To justify the bitterness in our hearts.  To give up.

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I sure hope you are reading this.  I highly recommend you read Parenting The Difficult Child



You will find excerpts from the book in this Blog post . 

Your authenticity and transparency is beautiful to behold.  The Lord loves you.   

You are loved. 

If you are convicted of sin...repent.  First to Him, then to those whom you have sinned against.

Turn to Him.  Allow Him to lead you on this journey to attachment.

This was a GIANT first step.

Next...tell someone you trust.  Maybe a pastor at your church? 

Listen, the Lord does not tarry.  His timing is perfect.  If He is revealing something to you now...accept what He is showing you now.     

Joel 24-26

*SIDE NOTE:  Absolutely not a coincidence that a few minutes after I posted  a warning against the generational curse/sin teachings....I find this message waiting.  

Russell Moore Article

This article.  

The article reminded me of ...

...this post.

And this one.  

"And ensuring that we have not just one family involved in an adoption, but a network of “extended relatives” willing to help shoulder the responsibility, can bolster the family’s adoption."

*Note:  un-Biblical Generational curse/sin teachings run rampant in the adoption world. 

From Dark Places Isaiah 42:16

This article.





I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.  

Isaiah 42:16

Isaiah 9:2

Verse Concepts

The people who walk in darkness Will see a great light; Those who live in a dark land, The light will shine on them.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/From-Darkness-To-Light#sthash.JVIlFFO3.dpuf

Isaiah 9:2

Verse Concepts

The people who walk in darkness Will see a great light; Those who live in a dark land, The light will shine on them.
- See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/From-Darkness-To-Light#sthash.JVIlFFO3.dpuf

Karyn Purvis

If you are a parent who has failed as a nurturer.  Repent.

The Lord knows all about it already.  Our kids know all about it.

Repent. 

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.   1 John 1:9

Memes Again

Victory

You know how it helps to share your struggles with others?  Well, it also helps to share your victories.

A long time ago...when Girlie was newly home...she exhibited many socially inappropriate reactions to situations.  Too much laughter...too much anger...too much frustration...too much excitement etc. etc. etc.

Emotions were just so overwhelming. 

Early on...she laughed throughout the funeral of a child in our church family.

I was horrified.

And frightened for her.

Well...the good news is...through lots of instruction and and the modelling of social appropriateness...and lots of hard work...

tries and retries...

&

do-overs...

but entirely because of the Lord's movement in Girlie's heart...to combine all of these things together...

...she is living in a season of victory. 

A few years ago...we ushered my elderly uncle through death.  The kids were hands on...in close proximity.  Then...not long after...his wife, my aunt passed on.  Again...the kids were up close and personal.

Girlie handled both situations very well.  Appropriately.  There was no laughter.  Even some tears shed.

Well....two years later...quite recently...she came to me and told me she was sad and depressed.  Fearful and anxious too.  We talk a lot over here...so we climbed into bed...nice and cozy...and I asked her what was bothering her.

The deaths.  They were just hitting her.  Hard.

It took a few years for her grief to rise to the surface.

But it did.

And it was so lovely and beautiful to behold.  It's strange to say, I know...but her tears and her quivering lip and shaky voice were beautiful.

She was so honest and brave in opening up her heart to loss.   Then...in processing with me...then in handing it over to the Lord so that He could carry the sadness/depression/fear/ and anxiety.

Recently, our dear elderly neighbor, Pat passed away.  Girlie and she were sweet together.  They had a special bond.  This death hit Girlie hard.  Although she had been preparing her heart...when it came ...it was too sudden and it hurt enormously.

The family was so gracious to us.  They allowed neighbors to visit and say our "goodbyes."

Girlie and I were alone in the home.  She walked from room to room...looking at framed photos...touching little trinkets...sharing memories with me.  She asked if I thought she should see Pat... in order to say "goodbye" properly.  I told her that some people need that closure...but for some the visual might be too much to handle and that many times people choose to remember their friends the way they were.

We stood together in the hallway just outside Pat's bedroom door.  Girlie hugged me tightly and cried and cried.  We thanked the Lord for this precious woman.  We prayed together for her family.

Girlie decided that she needed more closure and decided to see Pat.

Her tears flowed.  They turned into sobs.  She left the home broken-hearted.

She cried again at the memorial service.  Freely and appropritely...with self control. 

She didn't want to return home for the next few days...struggling with the knowlege that her friend was no longer across the street.

All of this was articulated.  Communicated.  Talked through.

So brave!

Then...just the other day Girlie told me that she had given her anxiety about returning home to the street with a missing member to the Lord and she's been okay ever since.  

Attachment Struggles & The Bible

Over the years...I have come up against non Biblical responses to to this issue of ATTACHMENT STRUGGLES.

Such responses have come directly and indirectly.  Some were to be expected.  Others were complete surprises.

Such responses have come from acquaintances, dear friends, and intimate family members.  All were well-intentioned, I trust ...yet short-sighted and misguided. All of the non-Biblical responses were fear based. 

The most Biblical responses I've gotten in professional settings were from four individuals.  One, was a pediatrician...two of them came from secular counselors (believe it or not)....and one of them, a Christian counselor.

All three identified this particular issue our family wrestles with as valid.

The pediatrician offered a listening ear.  Calm during storms.  Truth regarding possible options for help (she warned us about the huge $ making world of "therapy" and the rabbit holes they could often lead desperate people down.)   She was the first one to tell us we were in this for the long haul.  Two secular counselors listened long and hard to how we were going about walking out this difficult road and did something I appreciate greatly... they said, "This is your child.  Keep doing what you are doing.  We can take your money but we have no answers for you which trump the ones you are working with." 

I appreciated that SO much!

The Christian counselor...more or less said the same thing ($ was not involved)...but affirmed that, YES...we are to navigate with the Bible as our road map.  And a solid support system. 

Biblical truth walked out.  Biblical truth lived in the home.  Biblical truth lived in our community.

Last year we were faced with multiple challenging situations where the way in which attachment struggles were being played out in our circle of relationships challenged and eventually magnified & rooted more deeply the beliefs we hold sacred in our own home and our own hearts.

One adult...clearly affected by attachment struggles...attempted to steal peace in our home through center of attention...disruptive & manipulative behavior.  The Lord used this circumstance as a mirror for Girlie.  She recognized herself in this woman and did not like it one bit.  It was a good opportunity for the rest of us to evaluate what battles we are called to.  Who we are called to on this journey.  And to what extent.  

One small child was abandoned by a pastor and his wife.  This child was about to be thrown into the system when a family from the pastor's church rose up and adopted him...calling him their own.  The Lord used this situation to whisper hope to our hearts.  Though the flesh may fail...the Lord intervenes.  Without fail. 

I think I am most encouraged by the mom's I am hearing from who want desperately to honor the Lord with their choices in this struggle.  When an e-mail arrives...raw with honesty...brutal honesty...I gasp at the thought that the Lord sees all and knows all.  There is no hiding from Him...so we might as well open our hearts and let them bleed all over the place when breathing just isn't enough.  When a mom asks...can we meet for a while and just talk?  I need to vent.  I need advice.  When my offering of advice speaks to my own heart.  When she reminds me of something I had forgotten.  When I get a phone call saying this or that is happening...now what??????  Give me something.  ANYTHING! And I am able to say...try ABCD &E.  From experience.  From the trenches.   Because I know what frustration feels like.  And I know what banging my head against a wall feels like.  And I know what fear feels like.  And I know what knowing that GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION is like.

Battling attachment struggles in a Biblical manner calls for Biblical understanding and Biblical guidance.

This message.
 

GUEST BLOGGER / GALILEE - Bunny & Oreo

We adopted Bunny. She has a white fur coat, tiny brown ears, and a Marilyn Monroe mole like spot under her nose.  She is a scared rabbit. She makes squealing noises when she feels unsafe and she nips at you if you get too close. Bunny is stubborn and very quick with her emotions. She wouldn't allow us to pet her,  hold her,  or feed her by hand for quite a while. She wouldn't allow herself to be loved by us. It saddened us and made my younger sister cry. It became harder and harder for us to love her because we became more and more afraid of her. So the more we were afraid of her...she became more afraid of us.

There needed to be an emotional healing process. 

The other day I swept Bunny up using a towel to hide her eyes.  The second time I did this,  I held her more firmly than the first, letting her know I was in control...but of course still gently and took her to a quiet place. I was silent for a few minutes...petting her through the towel in an effort to make her more comfortable and communicate that she was safe. From behind... I pulled the towel off and moved slowly towards her head petting her without a sound. Then, I gently talked to her letting her know that I was just afraid as she was, and that everything was going to be okay. I beautified her by clipping her overgrown toenails and grooming her with dry shampoo. I think Bunny has trouble with letting herself be loved by others and being loveable. She has taught me through a glimpse, that I need to be more loving and that I need to let others love me more.

The point is...  I want to love more and be more loveable.

Our other dwarf bunny, Oreo, is  black and white, with black ears and two black spots under both her eyes. She is sassy but so sweet and loving and loveable.  It's easier to want to be with her.

Broken You

This message.

The Gift of Friendship / Guest Blogger / Galilee

My mom and I have had many conversations about what true friends are.

About the authenticity of a friend and the honesty of a friend.  How real friends don't put up facades.   A facade is having a fake personality when you don't want others to know the real you. I'm kinda in the midst of dealing with the fact that I struggle with putting up facades.  I am trying to break down the walls I put up.  My mom found a friend quote that says, "A friend is someone who can see the truth when you're fooling everyone else." I have friends who can read right through me when I think I am fooling them.   Some friends are quiet and patient with me and I appreciate that.  One in particular has been through thick and thin with me.  She always points me to the Lord.  Love her for that.  Some are bold truth tellers and call me out on my sin.  I recently experienced someone who wasn't a family member...read me like a book. This person has high discernment and is a bold truth teller.  I consider this person to be a true friend.  This person isn't satisfied with the "fake me."  At first I felt trapped by the questions being asked and very exposed. Then I realized that sometimes the truth needs to come out hard.

The Lord is graciously working through faithful family and friends by having them push me into hard places.  I am also sitting under Godly teaching about Friendship at my church and Bible Group. I am being convicted of my fake personality.  I am truly grateful for all the true friends God is providing for me.  

Psalm 84:11 / Guest blogger Galilee

Last week I went outside of my parents protection sneakily by trying to find out how I could get online information about my birth mother.  My mom figured me out instantaneously.  However, she didn't tell me she had me figured out.  She told me to stop lying because I lied like 10 times in like 5 minutes and told me to go think about what I was feeling and to tell the truth.  The truth is that I was feeling nervous about bringing up the conversation because I didn't want to hurt my parents feelings by making them feel like my curiosity meant I didn't love them or something like that.  I do love them very much.  I wanted to see if I could find out if I had any of the same characteristics as my birth mother.  Characteristics like physical ones... and abilities, talents, behavioral ones, emotional ones etc. I realized I wasn't satisfied with the amount of information that my parents had given me and I wanted to find out more if there was more to be found.  Very manipulative, wretched on my part, I had plans to use my dying Mormon neighbor to get the job done.  She's doing genealogy work and I pretended to want to bond over adoption stories since she herself was an abandoned child and is an adoptive parent.  The way the Lord is working through all this is by convicting me of my sin and having me trust in what He's provided for me, like the amount of information I do have and parents who share it all with me.  My mom reminded me that it's okay to talk about my adoption story...which they talk openly about all the time...and ask questions...it's just that I was weird about it for some reason. My mom and I also discussed that I may never know if I am like my birth mother and I have to be satisfied with that. 

My mom reminded me to go through in my mind all the ways that the Lord has been good to me.  

He gave me life.  He protected me in the womb.  He provided doctors & a shelter for me in the hospital.  He provided an orphanage.  He provided an orphanage worker to see me as a survivor and a thriver and she looked for a way for me to be adopted.  He gave me a loving family.  He gave me a Christian family who directs me to the Lord. He's given me a home.  Siblings.  Education. Good nutrition.  Solid teaching.  Opportunities.  

I was stuck in the mode of thinking about what I didn't have pre-adoption. What a waste of time.  And such unnecessary drama which hurts me and those around me.

Another way the Lord is working in me is by having me question whether I'm walking rightly or not.  Not just me thinking everything He withholds must not be good.  

For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory.

The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.
 

Psalm 84:11.

     

On Mission

I have been contacted by three different mothers living in three different states raising kids adopted on three different continents in the past three days.  No lie.

Last month...I was contacted by an adult woman...an adoptee...w/attachment struggles.  This woman is a long time acquaintance of mine.  After ten plus years ...she began the process of opening up and shared a little of her heart with me.   How brave!   I didn't even know that her life had been touched by adoption until now.  Never came up. 

And...I received a very transparent text from a humble adoptive mother looking for suggestions.  Anything that might work.  Ideas to bring peace into the home. 

ALL of these women are Christ followers.

They ALL want to make godly choices.   They ALL want to navigate very difficult terrain with the fear of the Lord as their guide.

I have come to learn this...

...look for where the Lord is working...and carry on the work there.  In that place.  

SHORT TERM 12

This film was difficult to watch.   5 minutes in...I actually said to my husband ..."I don't know if I can handle this."

As painful as it is...I do believe it should be watched.  Even more so if your life has been touched by adoption or foster care.

We previewed the film...then watched with our girls.

There was a lot of silence during and after.

Much to ponder. 

I will leave you with this spoiler...HOPE prevails.

pre·vail

prəˈvāl/

verb

verb: prevail; 3rd person present: prevails; past tense: prevailed; past participle: prevailed; gerund or present participle: prevailing

prove more powerful than opposing forces; be victorious.