Eyes Wide Open or um, shut

We went into adoption with our eyes open. We knew all we could about attachment. We had walked with others through their attachment challenges. We read everything we could. We went to classes. We read online. We were ready. Or were we? I don't know if you can ever really be ready. I think part of that is the Lord only equips you for today. He is not going to give you the direction and grace for tomorrow. Today has its own challenges. In the middle of today's trial, He is there.
A lot of my sorrow during this attachment walk has been what I could never had planned for. I knew, even if my kids were babies--which they weren't--their little hearts would be hurting. They would probably have gone through more in their little lives than most of us could ever even imagine. I expected heavy feelings, uncomfortable conversations and crazy behaviors from big hurts.

What I wasn't ready for was the rejection. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. I knew attachment/bonding could be uphill or slow or even awkward at first. But I wasn't ready for the pushing away. I knew they would be hurting, but I never could have imagined that my precious child would not allow me to be their interpreter of loss. It was something that really shocked me. Longing for a birthmother, or a birth place, or big tears over pain-yes. Not allowing me to wipe the tears and rub the backs-no.  It was subtle and flicked at what I guess I had hoped for.  I am secure in the Lord and wasn't looking for a child to meet my needs or desires as a mom.  It is this unarticulated desire to walk a deep valley while having some level of normalcy in our relationship.  It has yet to come.

It was a good realization, though. Because now I expect that there will be unexpected times that I wasn't ready for. I am choosing to allow Jesus to be my interpreter of loss. I am allowing Him to carry me through the unknowns. His grace will come for those moments when they arrive, and not a minute before.