PTSD

It is often said all kids with attachment issues have PTSD, but not all kids with PTSD have attachment disorders. We have a RADish. She is textbook. But we also have another daughter that came home through adoption who does not seem to struggle with attachment. What she does seem to show are signs of PTSD. Most of the time, she is happy, joyful, obedient. But then.... something triggers her little heart and wham! She spirals into lock-down mode. Interesting observations:

~she will not cry. she will yell and scream. but she won't cry.

~all instruction and discipline is completely ineffective and escalates the situation. *when not in this place, she responds "typically"

~accidents. floors. beds. awake & asleep

~does not sleep well or for long

~triggers are impossible to ID

Doing lots and lots of research over here. Maybe you are seeing some challenging behaviors but don't feel like it is RAD. Maybe you are dealing with PTSD. It is very hard to ID in kiddos especially if the loss was pre-verbal. Here are some websites that may be helpful. But as with anything, don't wait until you want to quit to get help. Just got Krill's book in the mail. It is the first book I found addressing this in kiddos. I'll let you know how it is when I get through it. :)

A4everfamily

Dr. Krill

Kid's Prayer Request

I have been angry with God. I have used his name in vain and I have mocked Him. I admit it was totally a bad example and not only that but it was also wrong. I was worried that He wouldn't forgive me for that, but my Mom explained that my version of God is obviously little. It hit me as true. I was making up a little God when the real God is so big. I am writing about this because I am a Christian who needs prayer about the Lord having Lordship over me. My understanding of the Lord is that he is a Saviour but I don't know if I understand the true meaning of Lordship. I have been angry with God for the last 10 years. I've been processing my history in a negative way instead of a positive way. I have been dwelling on the negatives and that has made me bitter. It is hard to allow the Lord to have Lordship over me when I haven't been trusting Him. I've realized that I haven't allowed Him to work through me. The bottom line is that I need to let the Lord renew my mind. Specifically, I need prayer for allowing myself to trust.

Art Imitating Life

Can anyone else relate?

Lord, Come Quickly!

I am absolutely convinced more than ever that the living Lord of the universe must interrupt hearts for true healing to take place. It is our job as parents to prepare the soil. To plant seeds. To water. To nurture. To prune.

Oh, that we would each be given a glimpse this week of what is possible....so that we would not be tempted to faint.

Lord, please reveal Yourself amidst our struggles.

Thank You..... for how You have and are revealing Yourself already.

RAD Fear

After speaking with a sweet, sweet friend yesterday (with her brand spankin' newborn son)  during a zoo field trip...I cannot get the message of this post out of my mind.

Here it is....

Many in the adoption world are living in fear of RAD.

Hear me again....

Many in the adoption world are living in fear of RAD.

Stop this immediately.

Stop this fear based existence.  

Your adopted child may never develop symptoms of RAD. The stress of living with messed up parents...anticipating RAD symptoms to pop up at every turn will throw everyone in the house for all sorts of crazy loops.

If your child does show signs of attachment struggles....move forward accordingly.

Take reasonable precautions, of course.

Know the warning signs.

Be intentional, always.

I've been around the block long enough to see some pitfalls that we all can easily slip in to when operating out of a fearful place.

Control Issues
Isolation
Shame
Anxiety
Distrust
Depression
Exasperation
Hopelessness
Manipulation
Sarcasm
Wall building
Regret
Self Protection
Anger
Confusion
Hostility
Denial
Apathy
Resentment
Bitterness 
Withdrawal
Lack of Joy

Parenting a child with attachment challenges is quite unlike what most of us are accustomed to or prepared for...while being very much like parenting a child without them at the very same time. Huh?????????? Does that even make sense? Know yourself...good & bad. Know your kids...good & bad. Test new things...try and try again...and never give up.

I am a hippie type. Therefore, it was perfectly natural for me to co-bath (younger years) and co-sleep w/my kids. All of my kids. Bio kids...and adopted kids. It is not something I researched and planned...or checked off on a To Do List. It was not scheduled. For me...it has always been organic...what feels appropriate and good. Comfortable. Correct. Have I had to be more intentional with Girlie than with the others? Yes, of course. But I have been myself with her. She has gotten Me.

Here's the good news. She knows me. The REAL me. The authentic me. Not the me I am trying to be.

The advice I gave to my sweet, exhausted, fearful friend....for whatever it's worth....

.....be the parent you are created to be. If the need arises...be that sort of parent in the Struggling To Attach World. 

It's like being you on steroids. 

Superpower You.

Here's the hard part. We can say with our mouths that we trust the Lord and that we are not operating out of a place of fear. But our actions betray us.

Food Lover

Cate's latest post rings so true.

Early on, we got the fact that it is important to find all sorts of intentional ways to communicate to our kids that as parents, we will bend over backwards to meet their needs and even go the extra mile to meet some of their desires. One of the ways we do this in our home is by having a fully stocked pantry. There is a pasta and sauce variety shelf. A canned veggie and beans shelf. A cereal shelf. A snack shelf...etc. When I get down to two or three cans of green beans....I make sure to throw a few more into the grocery cart. Lots of black beans in there now...and for some reason....we have more than enough saurkraut. Must've been that sale :)

I really do think that the day in and day out visual of seeing plenty of food items nearby communicates stability, protection (especially if there is malnutrition in your child's history,) and provision to our Girlies.... (all the kiddos in fact.)

Some kids come home with food issues. Some kids develop food issues. Manykids are just plain old hungrier than other kids...or not quite as hungry as some. Ask the Lord to give you wisdom in how to best deal with your children.

On the flip side...most likely, we have all been exposed to parents with food issues (not really the issue.)

If you are a parent who finds yourself controlling your children with food....repent. For it is just that....a control issue.

I am a lover of food so naturally...I find myself loving through food.

Find what you are a lover of....and use it to show love to those around you.

The Anytime Bowl

Some of our kiddos have food issues. Most of the attachment books will say to let them have non perishable snacks in their pockets or bedside table. I know that works for some families and that is great. But something didn't seem right to my heart about that for us. For one, my girlie wasn't trying to hoard. But she was gorging at meal times. She was actually eating more than my husband. Our pediatrician isn't too worried about it as long as we let her gorge on fruits and veggies. :)

At the heart of it, though, is trust. Not trusting your parent to meet your needs, not trusting your self and sensing your own needs, trusting to communicate those needs. I wanted my baby's needs to be met but I don't always know when she has a need because she doesn't tell me. I also wanted a way to help build that trust between us. The jump from having food available to knowing Mommy was going to meet her hunger seemed too great or would take too long for my little one.

So we created the Anytime Bowl. Here's how it works. A big bowl of fruit (types change every week depending on the season) is on our kitchen counter. We told the kids, "this is the Anytime Bowl. Anytime you are hungry, you can ask for something out of the Anytime Bowl. Anytime you ask, Mommy and Daddy will say YES! Every time! If we just ate breakfast, but you are still hungry, you can ask. If it is dark out and you are hungry, you can ask. If you are sleeping and your are hungry, you can ask. Anytime." Only some of our kids use it regularly but they are starting to get the hang of it. We remind them of it almost every day. Part of that is probably because their needs are met by their regular meals. We feed them their scheduled snacks and meals but no more than 2nds. We can still meet their needs then if they arise but also know they aren't super hungry. They need to trust us to get a piece of fruit but they also know they won't be rejected.
:)

Playdate

Contact us if you'd like to join us for a Phoenix area playdate next week.

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