Re-homing

This breaks my heart in so many ways.  For the adoptive families.  For the kids.

And I think it is more common than we know.

There's so much shame surrounding a move like this.  For all involved.

And the enemy of our souls loves to SHAME us.

I guess the bottom line is this....whatever is done in darkness will come to light.  So...if a drastic move must be made...travel the path in the light.

HSLDA Article

Oh my!!!!!!!!!!  this article.

I feel as if our whole entire life just flashed in front of me.  NO-ONE was talking about this in our circles...13 years ago.

We felt so alone for so long.


One thing I know.  The Lord is up to something.  He is at work.  He is doing something.  It's a move of the Holy Spirit.

Did Steve Jobs Have RAD?

This is an interesting article.

hmmmmmmm..........

Reminder

Like an Elephant

What to expect when you show your child video footage of themselves prior to your adopting them?

Footage that exposes it all.

Well, not all.  

But enough.

Orphanage footage.

If you are anything like our family you should expect a full blown out of control spiral.

Lots of pain and anger to process through.

She hasn't even identified the viewing yet as the core issue.

But it couldn't be more obvious.

Classic PTSD (alongside RAD).  Forgetting every single little thing...zero concentration.  Irritability & angry outbursts.  Hyper vigilant.

Here is the trigger that she is as of yet unaware of.

While in the orphanage Girlie was made to perform.

For 4.5 years...every time  she wanted something from the caregivers...she performed.

Every time the adoption liaison arrived to video the children she was working hard to find families for...she would perform.

It's all on film.

It's absolutely ridiculous the way she was required to perform.  It's disgusting.

It makes me heartbroken for her.

We will not allow our daughter to walk in that mentality any longer.  Even so, she struggles with needing to perform at all times.  Still.  13 years home.

Since Day One we have encouraged her away from this bondage.

She is corrected and even disciplined when necessary...as she chooses to walk in this temptation.

Well, long story short...seeing herself as a baby and a toddler...performing like a friggin monkey in a poor man's circus has done a number on her.  And ever since...she has been trying her hardest to perform...for everyone and anyone who will give her a glance.

She tried it with us.  But we were having none of it.  Moms, Dads, and siblings don't need to perform for one another.  In fact, it's insulting to think it necessary.  Offensive even.

And when you are dead set on performing and winning others over by your performances...let's say...wooing family friends...relatives...peers...neighbors...because if you don't you feel as if you could literally DIE...

...and that attempt at control is removed from you by the simple instruction...

"Do not speak unless you are spoken to."

...well...the entire world becomes a frightful place all over again and the need to control it threatens to overpower you.

The trigger in a nutshell.

It's like an elephant smack in the middle of the melt-down.

good blog post

good blog post...goes for RAD too.

There is a flip side however.  Sometimes, as parents dealing with attachment issues...we can go overboard with the not wanting our kids to engage inappropriately with others ...or visa versa...though.

It's because we know that many times they are being superficial.

And that they engage with every Tom, Dick, and Harry while out and about  BUT not with intimates at home.

That they are trying to win random strangers or Joe Shmo acquaintance's approval.

This attempt of theirs is not only a grab for attention...but a grab for control.  Controlling their environment...even to the point of attempting to control others perception of them...is a huge temptation.

As parents...we want to train and guide our kids...in the ways we see fit.  The ways we believe will most benefit them in the short term and in the long run.  We want to protect them.

One of the hardest things to do is to let go and to sit back and watch.  And to allow natural consequences to play out in the lives of our struggling kids.

When others do not think it's so cute anymore as a child/tween/teen refuses to stop nonsense chattering about NOthing.... when a child/tween/teen is constantly disregarding other people's personal spaces and hangs a littletoocloseforcomfort...or isolates in uncomfortable and strange attention seeking ways...when self control & self awareness are lacking in a child/tween/teen...etc...etc.... etc.

We can tell them until we are blue in the face why A B or C is inappropriate or when enough is enough...but in my experience...a handful of incidents where others catch on and have had enough...and get to the point of mentioning something...well....those sorts of moments speak volumes.

90 & 9

Love...it's a verb.

To be honest...the last thing I wanted was for Girlie to touch me.  After the week we had...even the feeling of having her anywhere near me was something I needed to drum up.

Once the thought entered my head though...it wouldn't leave.

Even if she's pushed and pushed and pushed you away....bring her close... pull her close.

I needed to make a choice.

Instead of walking in my flesh...I submitted to the Holy Spirit and asked her to do my feet.

By "do my feet" I meant...take off my old chipping nail polish with nail polish remover and attempt to get off the beach tar while she was at it...pick a color ...any color...and doctor them all up again nice & pretty.

She chose this pretty shade of lavender.

So that my feet could match her feet.

Love... it's a verb.


Added benefit...a pedicure was the perfect wrap up to my crappy week ;)

Over My Dead Body

The enemy of my soul...the enemy of my family members souls...wants nothing more than to wreak havoc and cause division.

He is completely opposed to unity.  He wants to separate.  He is like a lion prowling around waiting to pounce.  Waiting to devour.

He wants to devour Girlie.

Over my dead body is He going to win.

I've got a victorious Lord and I've got Ephesians 6.

His ass is grass.

2 articles

good article

and

good article

Sometimes We Get Angry

Control Issues

Are you an adult with RAD tendencies?  Or do you know one?

It can be very frustrating to deal with individuals who have a need to maintain such a high level of control.

I went back and located a post that I had written a five years back and the thing that struck me the most...is that I was once so hopeful.  

Today..after dealing with 5 more years of struggle in our own home and yet another adult ( RAD seems to find me) with obvious RAD issues ...I am a bit annoyed and somewhat over it.  

And you know what?  That's okay.

The person who is the struggling person is NOT the center of the universe.  The world does not revolve around them...their fears...their perceived needs...their tantrums...their drama...their spirals.

Dethrone them in your heart.  They love to be lifted on high.

Whatever the root cause.....sin is sin.  Sin is sin.  Sin is sin.

And sin only has ONE remedy.

Disruption

I remember one Adoptive Parenting Support Group meeting Cate and I attended together a few years back.

Nothing fancy.

Just a nondescript room filled with a bunch of traumatized adults sitting in a circle and pouring out their guts to total strangers.

Disruption....the word nobody wants to hear...never mind say out loud.

Shaun Groves is blogging about it.

Small Victories

We have many adoptive families in our circle of friends.  That means there are many adoption stories playing themselves out all around us.  Each story is different.  Each story will have different plot points.  Different character arcs.  Different climaxes and twists and turns.  Not all stories wrap up prettily or end happily...in this broken world we live in.

When one family we know passed on adopting a child who had been exposed to alcohol in utero...Girlie was affected by it.  It took some struggle & some time for her to process this information. Does that mean they would not have chosen her if she were presented to them?  We don't even know for sure that she was exposed in utero...but given her low birth weight and some of the struggles she has...it could be true for her.

She sees herself in another adopted child who struggles and she does not always like what she sees.  This can be a trigger.  This can set her off.

Another family we know has made some changes that are apparent to Girlie.  She is struggling with the situation.

She usually spirals when this sort of stuff comes up and it's days ...if not weeks...before she can identify what's troubling her.  I'll get hourly laundry lists of anything & everything but.

Even though I am more often than not aware of it myself...I never name the core issue for her...only push her to dig down very deep and find it for herself.

It's when she identifies what's troubling her and expresses what's going on in her heart...that I see evidence of healing.  Of growth.  Of progress.

Trusting us enough to speak her fears out loud.  It does not come easy for Girlie.  It is an uphill battle.

Small victories.  Praising the Lord for them.

Dig Deeper

what I mean by "digging "deeper"

Hope

I was up all night tossing and turning.

Worried.

Concerned for the future.

Distressed.

Anxious.

Over my morning cup of coffee I started to calm down.  For some strange unexplainable reason...a sense of hope began to rise up.  In my troubled heart.  Hope showed up.

Peace.

A super natural peace.

A peace that flew directly in the face of the evidence.

Girlie awoke.  She was softer.  I got a "God Bless you..." after a sneeze.  She sat near me on the couch.  She wanted to be close.  On my terms...not hers.

I'm hoping we are finished with the "crazy cycle..."  I mentioned nonchalantly.

It was the open door she needed.

"Yeah, me too."

After having her read the "Out Crazy the Crazy" post...I asked her to sit quietly and process her feelings and thoughts.

She immediately and instinctively tried to blame the spiral on some little thing.

"Pickle," I said.

Immediate submission.  She knew darn well that her trying to blame this spiral on something it was so not about...was not going to fly.

But unlike during mid spiral times..I had her attention.  I had her heart.  It was turned towards me.

I asked her to write down all that she was feeling over the past few days.

Girlie chose to go deeper.

She just now said, "Thanks for out crazing my crazy, Mom"...

... and she's writing her little heart out.

Hope.