Adult RAD

We've been posting about RAD on our personal blogs for a while now. For those of you who did not meet us until attachinghearts.blogspot.com...we're making earlier posts easier to locate by including them here.


Reactive Attachment Disorder...if left unaddressed....can leave a person with a lifelong inability to form healthy, deep, and meaningful relationships. Adults suffering with this disorder keep those whom they cannot control at a distance, manipulate, perceive themselves to be victims in situations, seem to have justifications for everything, operate passive aggressively, and appear to be addicted to drama. They set up "straw dog" situations which place others in positions that validate what they "knew to be true" all along..."I'm, on my own. The only one I can rely on is myself. I can only trust Me." Really these individuals are lonely and frightened....although it takes looking past their "tough-pull myself up by my bootstraps-take me or leave me" exteriors...and into their hearts. Lifelong patterns of dysfunction have taken hold and the mazes their lives have become....serve as traps of their own making. Often, they feel as if something is wrong but don't connect the dots with the fact that they themselves are the root cause of their own misery. They are in danger of alienating those close to them...and continuing their never ending ride on the "victim" cycle. The most difficult aspect for intimates to deal with is the non-reciprocal nature of their "love" which does not translate to love at all....but instead screams of control issues. Heartbreaking but true, these wounded adults begin life as wounded children.

Usually, children with RAD are usually fiercely independent. Because they have not been able to rely on the adults around them to meet their needs...they develop coping mechanisms which cause them to rely on nobody but themselves. RAD pops up in many children who are neglected, abandoned, or institutionalized...in children who have either themselves had an illness where they were separated from a primary caregiver...or who have sickly caregivers who "tune out." Many times children of depressed, overwhelmed, disengaged, drug addicted. or alcoholic parents show signs of struggling with RAD...as well as children who are raised with multiple caregivers (nannies, childcare etc.)

These children have a need to maintain control of their environments and their relationships. They are either loud, have no edit button, and poor impulse control...doing and saying whatever comes to mind... or are methodical and conniving...always jockeying for position, the last word, and the upper hand. They are often times charming, chatty, friendly and seemingly well adjusted as far as the outside world is concerned. Only those intimate with the suffering child...know that they are living a lie. Intimates see the manipulations and battles...sometimes subtle and barely perceivable.... for maintaining control. The key word is SUPERFICIAL. In a nutshell, a child with RAD cannot rely on the adults around him/her to provide security because that feels too unsafe...therefore they keep those adults and sadly, everyone else at a distance. Deep down....they are crying for rest. They are exhausted.

As we've travelled this road over the past 8 years...we've learned so much. It is our desire that the Lord use our experiences in the lives of others if He sees fit. Our biggest heartache is this...if a person does not bond in a healthy way to a caregiver or others...they will not only have difficulty maintaining relationships.... but difficulty accepting the love of and bonding with their Heavenly Father. Please know that with us...there is an understanding ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and no judgment. For those of you who are dealing with RAD and feel all alone...please be reassured that you are not. There is hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It takes truth, time, commitment, consistency, transparency, persistence, repentance, selflessness, and supernatural love. If you are a parent of a child with RAD you may never, never give up...even on those days when you feel like doing so. If you are dealing with an adult with RAD...you have the option of either counting the cost, setting boundaries, and attempting to go deeper...or not. It will be determined by the role you are willing to play and the role you will be allowed to play.

To see a child blossom is one thing. To see her blossom...knowing the work which went into planting the seed...watching it wither...planting another...watering...trusting a root system would grow...tearing it out months later because the tender shoot was being strangled by weeds...beginning again...another seed....more water....this time in more fertile soil...healthier, deeper, stronger roots...a little pruning...food...SONlight...protection from the cold...dead leaves....dead leaves with no appearance of life at all...not a single hint of life...only to have the shoots spring forth with new growth when least expected....then overflowing blooms....and even butterflies fluttering by! Now, that's....... quite another thing.