Here's what stinks big time! I am able to cuddle, snuggle, smell, rock back and forth and touch cheeks with.... almost every newborn I know. I'm able to whisper, "You are sooooo adorable and sooooooooo precious."
I can give Mom a break for a few minutes...until she needs to nurse again.
I can't get close to the ones I want so desperately to hold though...my bestest girlfriend in the world's babies. I want to know them. To love them. I want desperately for them to know me....the way my kids know her. The other day, one of her daughters fell and bumped her chin. She came to me crying and all I could do was look at her briefly...because I didn't want to hold eye contact too long....and say, "I'm sorry that happened. Sit right here. Mommy will be back from the restroom in a minute." This darling little girl wanted to be comforted and I felt like a big fat fat insensitive fart face. What sort of woman ignores...for all intensive purposes...the cries of a wounded child? ME!!!!!! It went against every instinct in my body. I knew why I couldn't sweep her up into my arms and smother her with kisses, but knowing why I was paralized didn't bring me any sort of comfort.
I'm bummed.
My kids know my girlfriend and her husband....as affectionate safe places...intimates they can turn to to get some lovin' needs met in Dad and Mom's absence...and sometimes even alongside Dad and Mom. I'm sure my kids are missing the tickles and kisses and hugs that they used to receive. They haven't verbalized the loss....but they must be feeling it. I feel it for them. But how can things stay the same as they were when we are dealing with fresh attachment issues? If my girlfriend continues on the way she used to...swooping up my kids when she sees them...kissing their necks and tickling their bellies when they are on her lap....it will confuse her children. Why is my mommy so loving.....while she (ME!) never even looks at us or touches us? Gee, she (ME) must be a "meany."
Sometimes I hate "attachment"...or more specifically, "non-attachment." I get it...as I am a RAD parent myself... but sometimes I hate it very much. And now I'm having trouble with it for a whole set of new reasons.
This just stinks.
3 comments:
Found a link on Family Gregg. I have never dealt with this but I hear the pain in your words ((hugs))
Sometimes I pray, please God, let me feel something for this little child. Give me a clue that somewhere in my heart there is love and warmth and motherhood. Sometimes I don't think it is she who isn't attaching to me, but the other way around.
And then there are the times that I look at her and I am filled...filled in that moment with the absolute knowledge that God brought her to me for a reason, that ours may not be the fairy tale image, but that in fact it's much bigger. That He is accomplishing in us a far greater work. And in those times, that's all I need.
It does drive the wound open further. Not only does your relationship with your child feel fractured--or I guess dead as there would need to be a connection for a fracture, but then you can no longer interact with the pre-adoption children in your life the same way. And most horribly the intimates around you can love other people's children more freely than your own. Another loss. Another hope or expectation that must be altered. May the healing come soon.
Post a Comment