We cease to grow when we cease either to labor or to suffer for the Lord. ~Charles Spurgeon

This wounded, draining, challenging child was chosen before the beginning of time to be in your home, at this time, for His great purpose. Press In, Beloved.

Dreams

I'm thinking again about a very real reality which may be a fact in many of our lives.

I know some of us out there are tempted to think that our kids have been dreaming of us since ages past...that we (their knight in shining armor parents) are their dreams come true. They have been waiting for us to sweep into their less than ideal situations and swoop them up into our loving embraces. Haven't they?

Not necessarily so.

Many have been dreaming of others. Dreaming other dreams. Dreams which might not have included us. GASP!!!!!!!!!!

Put it this way....

Once upon a time, there was a Princess who had deep down memories of a long lost Prince whom she had met during her youth. She thinks of him often...in fact, every minute of every day he enters some part of her existence consciously or unconsciously. He might be a blur...he might be crystal clear....but he is there....always there in her heart and in her dreams (good and bad.) One day...her Prince will come.

Out of the blue...another Prince extends his hand. He is kind, He is handsome. He means her well and has been waiting a long time to find his one and only true Princess.

The Princess is heartsick. Her dreams....suddenly they are confused. What is to become of her dreams? Do they simply disappear? Do they shift?

What a predicament the Princess finds herself in. A predicament thrust upon her. Not of her own choosing. If she showed no signs of trouble in releasing her previously held dreams...we...each one of us....would take a second glance and wonder at her peculiarity.

Eyes Wide Open or um, shut

We went into adoption with our eyes open. We knew all we could about attachment. We had walked with others through their attachment challenges. We read everything we could. We went to classes. We read online. We were ready. Or were we? I don't know if you can ever really be ready. I think part of that is the Lord only equips you for today. He is not going to give you the direction and grace for tomorrow. Today has its own challenges. In the middle of today's trial, He is there.
A lot of my sorrow during this attachment walk has been what I could never had planned for. I knew, even if my kids were babies--which they weren't--their little hearts would be hurting. They would probably have gone through more in their little lives than most of us could ever even imagine. I expected heavy feelings, uncomfortable conversations and crazy behaviors from big hurts.

What I wasn't ready for was the rejection. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. I knew attachment/bonding could be uphill or slow or even awkward at first. But I wasn't ready for the pushing away. I knew they would be hurting, but I never could have imagined that my precious child would not allow me to be their interpreter of loss. It was something that really shocked me. Longing for a birthmother, or a birth place, or big tears over pain-yes. Not allowing me to wipe the tears and rub the backs-no.  It was subtle and flicked at what I guess I had hoped for.  I am secure in the Lord and wasn't looking for a child to meet my needs or desires as a mom.  It is this unarticulated desire to walk a deep valley while having some level of normalcy in our relationship.  It has yet to come.

It was a good realization, though. Because now I expect that there will be unexpected times that I wasn't ready for. I am choosing to allow Jesus to be my interpreter of loss. I am allowing Him to carry me through the unknowns. His grace will come for those moments when they arrive, and not a minute before.

Get them Rest

More than even the adults talked about here, our kiddos need a good night's sleep (need more than the adult 7 hours).  Although, obviously, the cave man stuff is ridiculous, I thought it was fascinating to see the correlation between sleep and the ability to process positive emotions. When you are standing with gentleness and a smile before your raging kid, could it be that they aren't even seeing it. It surely isn't that a good night's sleep will fix everything. But we want to make sure we are doing every thing we can to remove any physical challenges. Our kids must get the nutrition, supplements and sleep they need to set them up for the best situation possible. (watch the video, too. no texting/computers/tv for hours before bed).

More hope than ever before as our Girlie is saved this week. Oh, Lord....may true healing begin.

He is the Vine

love love love love love love love love love love

love love love love love love love love love love

Respite-encore

We would still love to hear some respite input!! What works, what doesn't.  I also want to know if those who use respite can answer how well it works.  Until then, we can all use a good laugh.  My husband sent me this today in the middle of a horrible, RADtastic tantruming day.

Summer Playdate

Interested in an upcoming playdate in the AZ area? please email us!

Tiny Weed Love

Respite

Recently my husband and I were challenged in regards to respite.  Specifically, that we aren't taking any.   The Lord took time to be with God, to rest, to be alone.  He sets an example of ministering to those that don't understand true love.  But it doesn't seem possible.  I think it is one way I feel like I am parenting a child with a disability.  I feel like I have a medically fragile child.  Sure, from the outside she looks like every other kid.  But the reality is she is vulnerable.  It is just emotionally.  We are parents that need special training, can't leave just anyone with her, are the primary caretaker 24 hours a day without break, that fear the condition may never improve, seek new techniques that may help but aren't readily accepted in the medical world, that are concerned with harm--maybe it is not the respirator failing that could cause damage or death, but the harm they can do to themselves certainly could, that have kids that cannot do what other children do-physically, socially, emotionally, that may never hear the sincere words I love you.  It is hard work.  You need a break.

Aside from moments of emergency/crisis, I can count on one hand the time my husband and I have been out together alone in the last year.  The reasons are manifold.  One, is free, licensed respite does not exist for children that came home internationally.  Second, the trusted circle around us has its own life/issues/challenges.  This makes calling on them regularly impossible.  Third, and most importantly, it is not worth it.  I know that sounds crazy--well crazy to people not dealing with it.  To you, beloved, you are just nodding your heads, I am sure.  We are not a child-centered family.  In. any. way.  We value our marriage.  We know that working on our marriage is essential-for us and for them! But seriously.  It is not worth it.  Even just a couple of hours away with a trusted family member leads to backlash and punishment from the little RADish for days.  It is almost like I would rather have "normal" crazy every day than a little break with super crazy for the rest of the week.  

We have put the children to bed and then gone out.  But it isn't always the easiest or the most convenient for schedules or energy.  But it is one choice, though, when someone is available to watch them.  People have said the more often they are left, the more they get used to it.  But that really scares me.  What are they getting used to, stuffing, trying to do on their own??

I think this is one of the crucial parts of parenting an attachment kiddo.  You do need a break.  not just as a Mommy, but as a couple.  Let's share ideas!!  What's worked for your family?

Ask

I've asked for compassion for my child and I have received it. I've asked for patience and He has provided it. I've asked for strength to carry me through and He has delivered it. I've asked for warm fuzzies and I've gotten them.

Ask Him to fill you up when you are depleted. When you have nothing left to offer. Ask Him.

Kids' Space

Kids' Space

I've had an idea floating around in my mind for a while now....and for some reason, I think the time might be right to articulate it here. Let's give our kids some space.

Kids who are struggling often feel alone....just like parents who are struggling tend to feel alone.

I'd like to create a space where kids who are struggling to attach or their siblings (RAD affects the entire family) can put their thoughts into words. A space where their images or artwork can be displayed. A space where they can safely express themselves and make attempts to be heard and understood. Anonymously.

Readers can send in their contributions. Please make sure you have your kid/s permission before posting.

All in an attempt to learn a little something from our children. All in an attempt to have our kids learn a little something from each other.

I think we should prepare our hearts for some beautiful and not so beautiful stuff.
Dawn