Incentives not Consequences

For some RADishes, consequences are incredibly ineffective. If they have come from poverty or literally nothing in an orphanage, having things taken away or privileges revoked matters not to them. They are used to nothing. They have survived with a lot less than TV time. We have found ourselves over the years knocking our heads against the wall trying to find something that matters to her and would be effective in helping curb behavior. Maybe something will work for a day or so but it is as if she remembers that it wasn't that big of a deal in the first place. Control is more important.

What works for our attaching kids is to say, every day, everyone has 30 minutes on the iPad. If you make (wrong choices) you will lose time on the iPad. It works beautifully. It is something they love and want. Losing it matters. For RADish, not so much. We thought it would be a great incentive. Instead we had the same if not greater battles with attitude, schoolwork, entitlement, etc. Not only does she not care about iPad ( or playdates or treats or whatever other normal fun thing you can think of), she is destructive. In one week, she broke our dishwasher, sisters' toys,  and tried to break the washing machine. It was a long week.

So we are trying something new. Earning privileges in short doses and short time frames. She bucks me on every single math problem. It was getting to the point where I was doubting her intelligence (how do they get us to doubt that?!!?) DH was even thinking maybe she was dyslexic or something. We decided to offer her a deal. A bribe, if you will. If you do all of these corrections, you get 5 minutes on the iPad.Every new sheet you do in an honoring way, 5 more minutes. Then we sat back and watched.

Mind you over and over and over, she will have things explained to her, can explain them back to me as how she will do the problem and then hand it back to me wrong. For days on end.

But after this little deal. Low and behold, all her corrections done. Perfectly.

5 minutes.

A couple of days now and she will only do 5 minutes a day. Then out of no where, she did all her corrections and 2 new pages on her own. 15 minutes!! Don't know how long it will last, but I'll take it for now. Grade level----here we come. Just kidding. I am not insane.

Inner Dialogues

You have to get them talking.  They have to hear their inner dialogue out loud. Countless times I have then heard RADish say, "oh, that's weird." or "that doesn't make any sense" or "I think that but it can't be true."

Two consistent questions in my world right now:

Who are you REALLY mad at? Sin will continue against family members until she can figure out why she is mad and who she is frustrated with. You can't ask why, but you can ask Who? At some point, I hope she will be able to articulate her anger with people in Haiti. She needs to acknowledge it and move on. She isn't ready for that yet though. She will say she knows she is mean to me to punish me for what they did, but she won't actually move the anger towards the sin. Eventually, she will say she is mad at herself or mad at God. I am okay with these answers.  It gets her off of attacking us and helps take responsibility for her choices. I am also okay with her being pointed to wrestle it out with God. He can take it and it forces her to deal with sovereignty of God.

The second:
What is it that you want? For YEARS, she would say "nothing."

Really?? Nothing?

"Well, I want to go to the bathroom."

(lofty goal!) What? Just go to the bathroom.

"Oh. that is weird. I bet kids don't say that."

Now, finally (like in the last couple of weeks) she will say normal kid things like play outside or play on the iPad. That I can work with. . . . . .


What does your RADish cling to in their inner monologue?

A Break

It's been quiet around here.  For various reasons. I won't speak for Dawn, but we had one of the worst years RAD wise and I just couldn't stomach giving one more ounce of attention to RAD. RAD was sucking the life out of our family relationships. Her needs consumed all of our finances and then some. We found ourselves stuck talking about her on our date nights. Our children that are attaching were mimicking her behaviors. She had lost or sabotaged every relationship outside our home. There was tension from the moment she woke up until the moment she went to bed. RAD had become an idol. It took and we let it take. It would continue to take until things changed. Taking a break from blogging was a good step for me. We still have to stop conversations, interactions, etc, and remind ourselves just because she is the loudest, does not mean she gets the most attention. We have other kids and Jesus is the center of our home. So it was a good break.

I am not sure I am back, either.

Mr. Moe GIVEAWAY WINNERS

Mr. Moe Giveaway WINNERS!  

GB's Mom and Carol.....please send your addresss to:
attachinghearts@yahoo.com

Sorry for the delay in sending them out.  We had some unexpected health issues over here.

Katherine Heigl Discusses RAD

Actress talks about attachment struggles.

A Change in Our Days

It has been two months now since my RADish started going to work with my husband. Every day. Her lessons and discipleship are completely his. Things had begun to really spiral. (Worse than usual) She's really struggled lately relationally and behaviorally. We had gotten to the point where she couldn't really play with anyone or go anywhere without us being 3 feet away from her. I was exhausted and started to really hurt physically. My husband is primarily responsible for her discipleship and education and knew right now I couldn't come alongside him in it.

The first couple of weeks were hard on her. She would be ok during the day with daddy, but then wreak havoc on me and the house when she was home. It was hard to respond and not react. But we got into a good groove of not reacting to her attempts at control. When she saw that she had lost all (ok most) of the control over me that she has had, she turned to old behaviors. . . and worse. Primarily with food and lying.

It's been hard, but a recent visit from a friend cheered her heart. She has bravely asked that I would have a few people pray for her to overcome these challenges. This is huge for a RADish. They like to charm and woo the outside world in a superficial way. Then they save all of the angry behaviors for mom and dad. To step out and actually invite a few trusted people into her scary world, is so very brave.

I totally understand that not all husbands are capable within their job structure to make such a move. We needed to make a change. She needed to be under Daddy's authority more intimately. As Dawn also did something similarly to this awhile back. Their tutor was this for them. Her RADish couldn't shadow Daddy, but she could bring in a tutor for a subject that was causing much strife between them relationally. We knew for both our families, home schooling was the right choice. Even with RADishes. We also knew things couldn't stay exactly the same. These were good changes for us.

Is there one area over others that is bringing a great deal of strife? Try bringing in some help in that area to bring some amount of peace.

Reader's Letter

We received a letter (and a heart photo) from a reader and thought it would be an encouragement so we are passing it on with her permission.

___________________________________________



I faithfully read and love letting you know my "Miss Romania" is almost 18 this year, in one month. It has been one little crazy journey but it is our life and we chose never to give up. Having no other children at first we knew no other life. After all the tears, scars, deafening screams, fights, attacks and emotional stabs... She is attaching. She told me she never wanted to move from her happy place in our home. She begs me to hold her hand when we watch tv now, sitting on the ground below me, and holds onto my finger like a little baby when I drive the car. When we get out of the car she wants to hold my hand, proud that we have a relationship, and not afraid at the age of 18 to hold mama's hand in public. She almost demands my hand at times so she can prove to the world that we are one and she is loved. She spontaneously hugs and tells me she loves me and acknowledges that she put our family through a lot.

She lies less about needless things, and confronts her behavior with an appropriate reaction of sorrow.

Although she's grounded from her phone and computer at present, it has nothing to do with her behavior or lack of appropriate behavior with her family. She did normal crazy teenage things.

I've put her and her sister together in situations where they have to work together. Last Saturday she went to R's fashion show and went in the back with all the other models to help her sister dress and keep everything in order. They were both pleased at their teamwork, even R was shocked. I didn't go to watch my daughter because I wanted to see how they could be together without killing one another with words and painful hits. It is happening.

Yes we still have those days, they are so far between now it isn't so painful. Yes she still has her moments. But we are becoming whole. But in saying that, it is with a small wall that is lowered ever so slowly.

Deep Aches

I look into my daughter's eyes. She is angry. At her birthmother. At her birth country. At her orphanage. She takes it out on me as if I committed those sins against her. I try and love her and she pushes me away.

How can a child that rejects even the love of tangible, physical earthly parents, accept the love of an unseen God.

It will take a miracle. This will be the work of Christ.

GIVE AWAY

Do you have or work with a child who laughs at sad things? Or maybe they look grumpy when they really aren't feeling grumpy in the slightest. Or, one who freezes at times...showing no emotion at all?

Well, I know this brilliant lady who came up with a brilliant idea...Mr. Moe!



I have two Mr. Moe key chains to give away. One pink...the other blue.

If you would like to enter the DRAWING...leave a comment here (by Monday 4/2 noon EST) w/your color preference.

Then...we'll have a drawing and pull two names.

We hope you win!!!!!!!!

And, don't forget to spread the word about Mr. Moe.

Adoption in the News

Another article. Thoughts? Respond anonymously if you'd like.

Attachment Parenting in the News

Interesting article.

Dried Up Leaf Love

Bike Path Mud Smudge Love

Baby Potato Love

Why Dig Deeper

Not only does it get to the root of the issue, but time and time and time again, we see how secular psychology fails. The thing adults often think is the trigger for a kid with RAD rarely is. Case in point.

Christmas is full of those special behaviors.

At the end of a 4 day spiral. . .

It wasn't from one thing I would ever think of.

She was jealous. They had all gotten outdoor gifts for Christmas. Apparently hubby and I were praising a sibling MORE than her. She was jealous.

What would a typical child do if they felt that way? Draw your attention away to them, right? One-up the sibling? Better and brighter. "Look at me! I'm doing so good on my scooter! Mom, watch me do this! Isn't that great! My scooter is the best!" etc.

Kids with trauma seeing the positive attention to another do not seek out positive attention. They seek out negative attention because they want the positive attention. It doesn't make sense. When they start to heal and can articulate their issues, you can state it back to them.

"So, you saw that he was getting positive attention (previously explained and ID), you were jealous. Instead of trying to get positive attention, too, you chose all of these (listed) behaviors that led to this negative attention and disciplines."

Now, she will say, oh, that doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't. She is now agreeing that that was the wrong pathway. Then we identify the sin that was chosen. Pride, control, fear, etc. Hopefully quickly it will lead to repentance and restoration.

Once again I am reminded that we as adults can not superimpose our frameworks from healthy histories and experience on to their perspective. It is almost always wrong. Do not plant those ideas in their heads. They will just become robotic answers handed right back to you. Ask that the Lord would reveal the truth and prompt you to go deeper when the root has not yet been found.